I'm having a shitty night, and I don't want to look even worse than I normally do on Facebook, so I figured I'd take my honesty where no one would read it.

Tonight, one of my dogs has been having a lot of pain in what seems to be her right leg or hip. She can barely get off the couch and whines whenever she shifts. She's 7-ish and a big dog, so she's pretty old. She's got a lot of gray, but generally speaking, she acts just as young as she always has. Watching her try so hard to move, though, and hearing her cry has really done a number on me. I love my dogs more than I even care about most people, because when I'm sitting alone at home 3 days a week or more, they're the only company I have. They have personalities and they make bitchy faces and they don't mind sitting around and watching TBS in silence all day. They're my best friends. The thought of losing one is one of the most difficult things in the world for me. It's happened before and it'll happen again, but I hate it more than anything. Losing people is incredibly difficult, but it somehow seems more unfair when it's an animal. I can't even watch movies in which a dog dies because it brings up such shitty feelings. I've been crying off and on all evening, and I can't seem to stop for more than twenty minutes. I'm anxious by nature, but when I have a reason to be, I get so much worse. I'm not ready for anything to happen.

I have so much to say on that front, but I don't know how to say it, so I guess I won't. All I know is that my stomach hurts, I'm congested, my nose is runny, and I've got tears everywhere. I'm sure I'm gorgeous right now.

Speaking of loss, I think I'm finally nearing the end of my really shitty friendship with Rachal. She insisted on having things her way, then apparently suddenly changed her mind a couple months ago. I honestly have a huge suspicion it has a lot to do with dick, which is really fucked up of me, but I'm not going to lie. She wants to go live her delusional, typical teenage life, and that's fine. I, however, don't want to stick around for it. It depresses me, especially because I still care so much when she clearly doesn't. If I ever need to talk, she doesn't have time, but a co-worker has a shitty day and she puts me off to go over there and hang out with him. Our friendship has been way too one-sided for way too long, no matter what she seems to think. I'm tired of having to be the one to really work at friendships. That's how it always seems to go. Maybe everyone else just "grows up" and I don't? I have no job, no love life of any kind, few obligations. I realize that things change, but even on days when I have school from 10 AM to 8 PM, I find time for friends. Maybe that's unusual; fuck if I know. It's what I've done all my life and I don't plan on ever stopping.

A few months ago, I took myself out of the friendship, hoping for a break that would let me clear my head and figure out where I stood, but she refused to let me have that. The same thing happened just a couple months ago. I called for another break yesterday (or the day before); so far, so good. To be honest, if I never hear from her again, I think I'll be better off. She likes to tell me how shitty I am as a person when I ask for breaks, but (and I know I'm biased) I think it's the other way around. I've made myself available during school, during school nights, during events, during shows, basically 24/7 for five years or so. I allowed her to have things her way for over a year. I continue to be around for her when she needs to talk, even when I desperately need the same. She's never there when I need her. She lies to me regularly. She puts me down for being upset about anything. It's extremely emotionally draining and it's pretty much isolated itself (the friendship, that is) as my biggest source of anxiety and depression. During the few short breaks I have been able to take, I've been happy. It takes a couple of days to get there, but when I do, it's amazing. Then, she comes along before I'm ready and tears me back down. I need to end it. She just won't let me. This entire friendship has been on her terms, and she refuses to do anything my way, including letting me leave. In the next few days, I may do just that. All of my other "friends" have worked themselves out of my life; I think I need to make the effort to work her out of mine because she refuses to do it herself. I think she wants me around as a fall-back for when her boyfriend cheats on her for the third or fourth time, but fuck that. I've said I'm done way too many times now.

I refuse to let people step all over me the way they always have. If I'm not happy, or if a person or situation isn't compatible with the way I want to live my life or what it takes to keep me from feeling anxious or depressed, fuck it. I have the right to separate myself, and I shouldn't have to feel ashamed for it. It's time to move on.