Up all night

I keep staying up all night but not doing my 24 hour zine. July is almost over, so I'm really running out of time. It's a shame it's so hard for me to actually get things done while I'm awake, for various reasons. I'll have to get around to it this week or risk looking like a total failure.

I feel like a total loser creep lately. I won't even begin to get into that, though. Just putting it out there.

I really have very little to say tonight. I just can't sleep at the moment because I'm feeling slightly anxious and possibly getting some random indigestion. I am quite tired, though, so hopefully it'll all pass so I can go to sleep and maybe get some shit done during the day.

SXR

Aches and pains

While my stomach has been slightly better overall, the past few days have been filled with pain in one particular spot and I have no idea why. I keep getting stabbing pains, but I'm not sure whether or not I should really worry. My temperature's fine, I'm not turning yellow, and I can eat, so I have to assume that I'm alright. I would go to the doctor, but based on my last visit, I think he'd basically reiterate what I just said. So, if I really decide to worry tomorrow afternoon, I may stop by urgent care while I'm in Fresno. I haven't been in a while, so they probably miss me.

My anxiety has also been a little better, until the pain started. At least I'm anxious for a reason now, or at least one I'm aware of: I don't want to get sick and die heh. I really prefer this really terrible anxiety regarding my health to the annoying random anxiety I normally get. This comes with more symptoms, but at least it makes sense.

I'm starting to write again. It's coming along a bit more slowly than it used to, but at least I'm not totally blocked up for now. I actually really miss writing papers, which astounds me, but I guess I've always been a fan of analyzing things and writing things with a set purpose. My fiction is almost always plotless because I have serious issues with being concise, so the only way I can ever write anything with a purpose is if it involves some sort of singular topic and research. Part of the whole paper thing probably has to do with the fact that I've been finding myself missing school, which is a little depressing given the fact that college means very little to me these days and I generally don't like being there when I have to. I've just been bored and lonely. All my friends live out of town or have other things to do, so I sit at home and do nothing all day. Simple but lame.

I have very little to say tonight. Lack of sleep and adequate nutrition is definitely catching up to me. Last night, I kept seeing things, and today, I've felt kind of out of it. Hopefully it'll all clear up tomorrow.

SXR

Super period from hell (a.k.a. TMI)

I missed my alarm this morning because my phone decided to shut itself off last night, so I woke up sometime between 2:15 and 2:30 (I can't remember) to terrible cramps. These continued literally all day and just subsided probably an hour or two ago and it's after 4 AM. Naproxen didn't seem to work for once and neither did whichever "menstrual relief" pill I'm taking the generic version of. Water didn't help, green tea with mint didn't do shit... I felt helpless all day heh. The cramps were the kind that literally made me tense up until they passed, too. Those are the worst. Sometime around 2 AM, I also started getting nauseous and bloated, and I'm still trying to get over that. I know for a fact that there are an intense amount of prostaglandins fucking with my insides right now, hence the nausea and everything else, and I'm pretty sure naproxin or something would help, but I don't feel like taking it on an empty stomach and I definitely don't feel like eating. I just can't win. I feel like my period gets worse every month, so it's only a matter of time before I give up and do something drastic like render myself infertile heh. I think I'd be pretty okay with that, really, but what do I know?

It amuses me how freaked out people (both men and women) get when women openly discuss their periods and all the shitty symptoms. Come on, we all know what goes on, and most of us women have to deal with the same shit every month; why can't we talk about it? I'm getting to the point where I don't give a shit. I'll talk about almost anything at this point because I've embraced the fact that almost everyone has dealt with it or will deal with it at some point in time, no matter what it is. The world is kind of nice that way; it's like an instant support group, or it would be if we weren't all taught to keep so many things quiet, as if there's something wrong with having a period, questioning sexuality, and a whole slough of other things. It's nice to be an open book in that it gives me a lot in common with a lot of people. People approach me for all kinds of different things because they know I'll understand; I'm pretty up-front about a lot of the things I experience so they don't feel weird asking most of the time. I think it's something that also scares a lot of people off, sadly, but I understand how uncomfortable it can be to face something that's out of your comfort zone, especially if it's something taboo; trust me, I had to cross that bridge, too. I haven't always been comfortable with discussing bodily functions or anything like that; it's something I still have to work on, really.

I hope, though, that if people hear me and others talk about our own taboo problems enough (digestive disorders, periods, body hair, sexuality, et cetera), they'll eventually feel like they can do the same. I'm not saying it needs to be shoved in peoples' faces, but maybe in a way, it does, at least until we don't have to feel ashamed for wanting to have sex with the same gender, not wanting to have sex at all, having gas, having "too much" body hair. It's all normal and we all know it; we just can't all openly discuss it.

I really wish everyone would wake up and get out of the house so I could have it to myself and continue to attempt to herbally self-medicate until I felt better.

SXR

Cold nights and rising gas prices

Today has really been a mixed bag heh. I had a pretty decent day, but the night has been very up and down. I intended to go to yoga today, but, as usual, it didn't work out, this time because we (Jon and I) ran into Tyler and a friend of his in Tower and got caught up in conversation and then went to buy my sister a late birthday gift. I ended up getting her a really cool Evil Eye thing, which she loves, so I'm glad I finally got that done. After we did that, we went to Trader Joe's to buy some cheap shit to make dinner with, then to Smart and Final to buy more It's-Its (because how could we live without those at the Bel-Tower?). The turnout at tonight's show was pretty bad, but the touring band booked the whole tour themselves, which was cool, and that made it understandable. If they hadn't had two rooms full of equipment, I'd have given them some cred for booking the tour, but eh. Maybe I'm a snob, but to me, tons and tons of expensive equipment (including a full light show) doesn't generally count as DIY. The night was pretty cool, aside from a brief period of some unsavory business. I was pretty happy until I went to the gas station to spend my last $5 on gas and had to wait 20 minutes to get gas at all. It didn't help that it was freezing out tonight. Normally, I'd be stoked for that, but I'm PMSing, I was annoyed, it was windy, et cetera.

I'm still not sure how to feel about a few things, but I'm getting a little better, anxiety-wise. Maybe it's just because I was with friends today. Socializing always helps heh. I definitely need to find a way to make it happen more often. It's just hard when all of my friends are busy with jobs and shit, broke, or too far away. I feel like I'm kind of stuck in life, but I guess it's easier this way, at least financially. I'm not truly happy, but I doubt I ever will be, seeing as that's how life goes.

I think I just realized that I'm an emotional voyeur. I know no one really reads this, and I use it almost exlcusively like a private journal, but I like having it where everyone in the world can see it. If I've got a problem, I have no problem with talking about it to just about anyone, if they ask. I probably get annoying, but I find my openness a little refreshing, seeing as so many people I know tend to keep everything a secret, as if it really matters heh. I guess I just don't see a problem with being an open book.

I also don't know what I'm talking about.

SXR

Tired

I was going to go for a walk, but I decided against it since I knew everyone would want to join me. I'd rather walk alone for a while; it gives me time to zone out. So, here I am, writing yet another totally pointless blog.

I felt so much better today than I have in days. I kind of feel like shit now that I've had a Moon Pie even though I was trying to limit my sugar as much as possible today, but I still feel a bit better than I have in a while. It probably helped that we had lunch at Sweet Tomatoes, which I love to fucking death. It's hard to beat soup, salad, bread, and muffins. I really have become a salad person in the last few years. I won't eat iceberg lettuce unless I have to, but give me some red leaf lettuce, some spinach, some field greens, and a ton of delicious vegetables and I'm totally set. As a matter of fact, I could go for another salad now. Fuck my doctor's suggestion to lay off of vegetables; I'm a vegetarian and a salad-fiend, so I'll eat all the raw vegetables I want.

Sitting at home is really getting old. If the weather stays decent, I'll spend much more time walking, but it is July, so that can only last for so long. I need to either get really crafty, somehow land a job, or find a friend who will come to me or meet me halfway or something. Maybe I can start a new story that I'll never finish, or maybe even something that I might be able to finish and submit for publication. For someone who wants to make a career of writing, I'm not doing much with it. It doesn't help that it's extremely hard to get started, but I feel like I'm not even trying. I've submitted one short story to two publications; not very impressive. Maybe that can be my summer goal: finish a short story, edit the shit out of it until it's semi-good, and submit it to a few publications.

I'm still dying for a trip to somewhere cooler and more scenic. I'd love to go spend some time alone in the mountains, but I'd also be totally content with a few days in the East Bay, especially because I never get the chance to really explore when I'm there. There are so many places I've been meaning to check out, but I always run out of time. Next time I have the money, I'm going. Fuck responsibility heh; I need to have some fun.

I think I'm actually really looking forward to school. I'm sick of sitting around and feeling like I have no purpose or reason to wake up. Plus, my schedule's really not bad. I've got classes Monday, Wednesday, and a short day on Friday, which should be kind of nice.


That's all for now, I suppose. I may be back.

SXR

4 Miles

I went to the doctor this morning. As I thought, nothing conclusive, but he wants me to do a certain dreaded test to rule out things like cancer and the myriad of other digestive disorders and diseases. We'll see how that goes. I'm still trying to figure out what makes my stomach worse and what makes it better. Today, I think I've concluded that sugar really does mess me up and I need to start cutting down. Kefir is okay, but the super-rich cake we had for Tami's birthday made me feel a bit sick heh. Overall, I feel better tonight than I did this morning.

After my appointment, I went for a four mile walk since it was still relatively cool out. I listened to Green Day the entire time and just kind of zoned out, as usual. I'm hoping that it'll cool down so I can take long walks more often, or that I can force myself to start waking up so I can take them. If I could walk four miles a day, I could definitely drop a few pounds heh. Speaking of which, I'm down ten pounds from when I had strep throat. I think that was a few months ago, but either way, any weight loss is good weight loss. If I could lose another 15, I'd be down to 200, which I can live with for now.

I got my pictures back from Walgreens. The double exposures worked, but my fingers got in the way every time, unfortunately. Oh, well. This was an experiment, so next time I find a super cheap disposable camera, I'll try to figure out a way to trigger the flash without curling my fingers up over the lens heh. Maybe I'll try to smack the camera on my knee or the back of my hand or something. Here are a few of my favorites.

Self-portrait with some double-exposure and no fingers.

Favorite. Incense burner, souvenir keychain, digital download card for Unfun, juice bottle, fingers.

Definitely another favorite for no good reason.

Blogger's giving me issues with pictures, so that's all. I may post more to flickr, and they're all on my Facebook and Google+ profiles.

SXR

More plans

I've got really bad aerophagia, which is a condition in which one swallows air in order to belch in hopes of relieving indigestion, heartburn, gas, pain, pressure, and all kinds of other shit. I've had this problem for a couple years and I still haven't really made a conscious effort to change it. There's no medication for it as far as I'm aware, so it requires something like cognitive behavioral therapy, and while I'm pretty decent at that, sometimes it's way too hard not to give in and just swallow a bit of air heh. I'm trying to get myself to stop doing that now because I'm sick of belching and feeling bloated all the time heh.

I'm also planning to go to the doctor soon, finally. I haven't had a physical in years and I'm probably due for some blood work, so I need to get that done. In addition to that, I'm planning to add some more herbs and supplements to my diet and try to see what works. I'd also like to do an elimination diet and focus on wheat products first. I want to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me heh.

Tonight's blog is short and not as angsty as usual. Damn.

SXR

Cure-Alls

I'm now on the oh-so exclusive Google+. So far, it's definitely not bad. It's simple, ad-free, easy-to-use, and full of tutorials and explanations. I definitely like that I can choose who sees what, which is incredibly difficult to do on Facebook. I don't have to delete or block someone in order to keep them from seeing something heh. Gossip will be fun! (Kidding. Gossip is reserved for real life and the occasional IM conversation.) I have high hopes for the site. I know it'll be a lot more fun once Jon and John aren't my only friends.

Today was a little better. Not without drama, but I made myself clear, I think. I'm not really one to back down when I set my mind on something, so I think that in a week or so, I'll have an easier time of these changes. (Maybe not, considering I'll probably be menstrual, but after that, I should be good.)

I think that for me, there are two things that can cure just about any shitty feelings I might have: yoga and Green Day. Jawbreaker helps, too, of course, but that's best for anger and general angst while Green Day can address just about anything I'm feeling. Longing for love? Having an internal crisis? Feeling alone and all-around fucked up? Green Day's got a song for it. I feel like if you don't at least sort of enjoy Green Day, you can't be human or you've just never paid adequate attention to their music. A lot of people (da punx, especially) like to write them off as "faggy pop-punk sell-outs" or something, but I think that's bullshit. To each their own, of course, but... Eh, if I go on, I'll go on forever.

I'm really getting into the habit of blogging more frequently. I kind of like that. Even though I'm just venting and no one's really reading, it feels good to write my thoughts down publicly. Writing is writing, as far as I'm concerned, and every little bit helps me improve in some small way. I'm probably too good at bitching about stupid things, but eh, it's still practice. It has to count for something.

Sitting at home doing nothing is getting really old. I need a vacation ASAP. My mind is incredibly set on a week or two alone or mostly-alone in the mountains or somewhere woodsy. I think I need time away from people, buildings, technology, and the stress that comes with living in today's world and some quality time with myself and nature. I'm no hippie, but I think we'd all be a lot better off if we stopped focusing so much on chemicals, technology, money, and possessions and just took more time to focus on ourselves (inside and out) and the earth. I think the reason long walks are so calming is because they allow us to zone out and be alone for a while, which tends to help us (or me, at least) pick up on things in our surroundings that we've never really noticed before. It's nice.

Before I sink back into negativity, it's probably time to attempt to get to sleep. I've been tired for hours, probably because I haven't slept well in days, but if I start thinking too much, I'll be up all night. Clearing my mind and repeating positive things to myself is getting a little easier now. I just have to keep telling myself "you're the most important thing in your life." I think I forget that.

SXR

Decisions

Last night, I made a difficult decision to temporarily (hopefully) remove myself from a friendship that's been really fucking me up mentally for a long time. I'm totally used to those, but I figure it's time to draw the line. I've never been one to pretend to think or feel a certain way just because I feel obliged, or because it's "the norm"; I prefer to be honest and just suffer the consequences, especially these days. I feel like this friend is making some very serious mistakes and have done my best to make them understand that I'm not being a bitch, that I'm concerned and want what's best for them, but I think it's best for both of us if I just step out. They have decisions to make and I'll do nothing but nag about the way I see things, and I'd rather not to that right now, for both of our sakes. I'll reevaluate myself and their own feelings when I don't feel like my life is one big panic attack, and if things work themselves out, good; if not, I'm about ready to move on. Needless to say, it's gonna be on my mind for a long time, and it isn't easy, but I'm working through it. I feel guilty, depressed, worried, torn, and a million other things, but I'm trying not to let that get in the way of my "mental recovery", as it were.

In other news, the DVD for my upcoming workshop and movie night came in. I'm going to check it out sometime very soon and possibly report back on it. I have high hopes, especially given the soundtrack (which includes J Church, who I adore).

In other other news, I feel pretty much friendless. I've got the Bel-Tower crew, of course, but I often feel alienated from them (for some reason), and I can't always be in Fresno, unfortunately. Everyone's in Fresno now, and if not Fresno, the Bay Area. I'd kill to be up there more often, especially because some of my favorite and most missed people are up there, but I can't afford it, which is definitely depressing. Although gas is cheaper than it was not long ago, I can't really afford more than two or three trips to Fresno a week, so if I went up there, I'd be fucked for a week. It might be worth it, really, but it's hard to come up with enough money to get up there at once. I desperately need a job of some sort.

I really do feel like shit lately, but I actually feel kind of hopeful about myself (not so much other people). I think I need to take time to focus on myself and really make an effort to improve my mental well-being, which will eventually improve my physical well-being, I think. My stomach's been better lately, which is good. I'm not sure if it's the yoga I've been doing, the herbs I've been taking, or just the fact that I've been making an effort to really change things for myself. If it means leaving some people behind for a while, so be it; I need to put myself first for once.

SXR

"Friends"

I'm almost totally convinced there's no such thing as a real friend in the traditional sense of the word. Yes, I realize that means I'm also not a true friend, but that's probably the case, despite the fact that I've gone to great lengths for some friends, spent too much money on others, and made myself available to some people at all times. Everyone I've ever been close to (aside from maybe one person, good old Jenny from elementary school) has suddenly changed on me (of course, all at different times). Every best friend I've ever had has eventually distanced his or herself for no apparent reason, made his or herself scarce for probably a year or so, then come back around as one of those "we used to be friends, but now we're more like acquaintances" deals. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I'd love to be one of those people who's got at least one best friend left hanging around. I'm sure I've changed, too, but I know for a fact I've never been the one to ditch the friendship for a boyfriend, school, work, God, or drugs. Of course, school and work are very important things, and so are some relationships, but I feel like people forget things exist outside of those things. I'm still here (I think).

Shouldn't there be some sort of balance? Maybe I just don't know what it's like because I've never had a boyfriend or a job, I've never done drugs or believed in God, and I don't spend as much time as I should on school, but I think I do a decent job of managing friendships, shows, school, and my various projects. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but no one's ever mentioned it to me yet. Then again, maybe they haven't noticed because they're busy with better people and things.

I've finally reached a point in my life where I just don't give a fuck anymore. It took almost twenty years, but I'm sick of being walked on. I'm sick of being used and putting more into something than anyone else will. I'm sick of holding onto relationships that are doing nothing but hurting me. (I think this is becoming a duplicate of my last blog, but I need to rant about this shit lately.)

I give up. I finally give up.

SXR

Eh.

Today was okay. I got out of the house late, so I missed yoga, unfortunately, but I suppose I can just do my bed-yoga, as usual. It's better than nothing, but it's not as good as yoga done on a flat, hard surface under the direction of someone who knows what they're doing. DIY, I guess.

Today, I've eaten nothing but a sourdough English muffin with a little honey and butter, a cup of strawberry yogurt, a few bites of salad, and a few handfuls of trail mix. I don't know whether to be proud of myself or concerned about my daily nutrients. I sometimes wonder if the reason I tend to be so worn out is because I don't get enough calories, protein, or vitamins and minerals on a daily basis. I'm sure most people would insist I get plenty of calories (because, you know, fat people always eat junk food and lots of it), but I average somewhere between 600 and 1200 calories a day unless I've eaten fast food. It's not exactly a healthy number, but society has trained me to be low-calorie heh. I know calories aren't the only factor in weight gain, but it's hard to remember that sometimes. I'm not all about losing weight, but I wouldn't mind dropping a couple dozen pounds.

I think I'm done with a few people. Of course, I'll continue to be civil because that's what I do, and I'll hang out if I'm invited, but I'm done making the effort to contact them. If other things are so important that our friendship comes last, that's fine. I think I've finally learned to let go. It feels nice after probably over a decade of just holding on to shitty friends who wear me out and bring me down. I'd rather be alone, even though it gets old. I'm tired of people changing to the point that I feel like I hardly even know them anymore. I know people change and I understand that, but I shouldn't feel obligated to stick around for those changes if they make me uncomfortable or upset. I stick with people who stick with me, not people who only want me around when it's convenient. Fuck that. I'm tired of being used like that and I'm not going to do it any more. I doubt any of the people I'm referring to have ever read my blog, and I kind of doubt they ever will (and I don't blame them), but I hope they'll get the hint. I doubt they'll even notice, but that kind of only proves my point. Whatever. Long story short, I'm good at picking shitty friends.

Good night.

SXR

Wordpress and a 24 hour zine challenge

I've apparently had a Wordpress account just sitting around for ages, so I decided to start using it the other day. I was going to just post the same things on this blog and the Wordpress, but I decided I'd rather not. This blog will continue to be updated semi-frequently with boring, pointless rants, complaints, and fleeting bits of excitement while the other one will house decent bits of writing and such. If you're interested in that, you can find it at sxretton.wordpress.com. Wordpress is like a completely different world and I'm definitely still feeling my way around, but I'll get the hang of it.

I decided today to participate in the "24 Hour Zine Thing," which is a challenge that involves choosing any 24 hours in the month of July and devoting them to making a 24 page zine. The zine must be conceived, created, and assembled within the 24 hours of your choosing and then sent in to the distro that runs the challenge. Once they get it, you get a button and the chance to have your zine distro'd. Not a bad deal. I've never done anything longer than 14 pages, and my longest zine took probably 8 or 9 months to finish, but since it's summer, I'm bored, and I'm feeling creative lately, I think I'm up for the challenge. I'm going to spend my next few days gathering up some collage materials and such so I'll be ready to make my zine in a few days. The plan is to do the minimum of 24 pages, 1/2 size (as always), use color (at the very least for the cover), and use approximately 98% art instead of just scribbling jumbled prose all over it for once. We'll see about that. If you'd like more information on that, you can go to their site at 24hourzines.com.

Also, we're going to be working on a compilation tape for The Bel-Tower's first anniversary. The plan is to have one side of locals, one side of out-of-town bands who've come through. If anyone reading this has anything to offer, let me know.

SXR

Inspiration

I attempted to write a blog yesterday (or was it the day before?) about a number of things, but Blogger was down. Go figure; when I have nothing to say, it works like a charm, but when I actually have things to discuss, it's nowhere to be found. Oh, well. C'est la vie.

Tuesday was great. The turnout was small, but the bands were great, as were the people who stuck around. Now that we "suddenly don't allow alcohol" (we never did, people), it's easy to see who comes around for the shows and who only shows up to drink. It's a bit depressing, really, but again, that's life; a lot of people are into all the right things for all the wrong reasons. The scene goes through cycles and this is just one of those purging periods. The binge, which was fantastic, is over now.

The idiots in my neighborhood just busted out the illegal fireworks. Guess that means it's party time.

One of these days, I really am going to do a cleanse, and I really am going to eat better, exercise, yadda yadda. I'm tired of feeling like shit for one reason or another. I have been a little more creatively-inclined again lately, which is fantastic. I want to write, draw, paint, and take pictures all the time lately. Pretty soon, I'm going to go buy the cheapest disposable cameras I can find and start snapping pictures everywhere. Most of them won't come out, but that's half the fun of film; you never know what you'll end up with.

I was going to share a couple pictures I took on my phone when I went on a two-hour walk the other night, but I'm too lazy to transfer them to my laptop. In any case, it was a beautiful day and that was one of the best walks of my life. I hope the opportunity for another arises very soon.

SXR