I'm having a shitty night, and I don't want to look even worse than I normally do on Facebook, so I figured I'd take my honesty where no one would read it.

Tonight, one of my dogs has been having a lot of pain in what seems to be her right leg or hip. She can barely get off the couch and whines whenever she shifts. She's 7-ish and a big dog, so she's pretty old. She's got a lot of gray, but generally speaking, she acts just as young as she always has. Watching her try so hard to move, though, and hearing her cry has really done a number on me. I love my dogs more than I even care about most people, because when I'm sitting alone at home 3 days a week or more, they're the only company I have. They have personalities and they make bitchy faces and they don't mind sitting around and watching TBS in silence all day. They're my best friends. The thought of losing one is one of the most difficult things in the world for me. It's happened before and it'll happen again, but I hate it more than anything. Losing people is incredibly difficult, but it somehow seems more unfair when it's an animal. I can't even watch movies in which a dog dies because it brings up such shitty feelings. I've been crying off and on all evening, and I can't seem to stop for more than twenty minutes. I'm anxious by nature, but when I have a reason to be, I get so much worse. I'm not ready for anything to happen.

I have so much to say on that front, but I don't know how to say it, so I guess I won't. All I know is that my stomach hurts, I'm congested, my nose is runny, and I've got tears everywhere. I'm sure I'm gorgeous right now.

Speaking of loss, I think I'm finally nearing the end of my really shitty friendship with Rachal. She insisted on having things her way, then apparently suddenly changed her mind a couple months ago. I honestly have a huge suspicion it has a lot to do with dick, which is really fucked up of me, but I'm not going to lie. She wants to go live her delusional, typical teenage life, and that's fine. I, however, don't want to stick around for it. It depresses me, especially because I still care so much when she clearly doesn't. If I ever need to talk, she doesn't have time, but a co-worker has a shitty day and she puts me off to go over there and hang out with him. Our friendship has been way too one-sided for way too long, no matter what she seems to think. I'm tired of having to be the one to really work at friendships. That's how it always seems to go. Maybe everyone else just "grows up" and I don't? I have no job, no love life of any kind, few obligations. I realize that things change, but even on days when I have school from 10 AM to 8 PM, I find time for friends. Maybe that's unusual; fuck if I know. It's what I've done all my life and I don't plan on ever stopping.

A few months ago, I took myself out of the friendship, hoping for a break that would let me clear my head and figure out where I stood, but she refused to let me have that. The same thing happened just a couple months ago. I called for another break yesterday (or the day before); so far, so good. To be honest, if I never hear from her again, I think I'll be better off. She likes to tell me how shitty I am as a person when I ask for breaks, but (and I know I'm biased) I think it's the other way around. I've made myself available during school, during school nights, during events, during shows, basically 24/7 for five years or so. I allowed her to have things her way for over a year. I continue to be around for her when she needs to talk, even when I desperately need the same. She's never there when I need her. She lies to me regularly. She puts me down for being upset about anything. It's extremely emotionally draining and it's pretty much isolated itself (the friendship, that is) as my biggest source of anxiety and depression. During the few short breaks I have been able to take, I've been happy. It takes a couple of days to get there, but when I do, it's amazing. Then, she comes along before I'm ready and tears me back down. I need to end it. She just won't let me. This entire friendship has been on her terms, and she refuses to do anything my way, including letting me leave. In the next few days, I may do just that. All of my other "friends" have worked themselves out of my life; I think I need to make the effort to work her out of mine because she refuses to do it herself. I think she wants me around as a fall-back for when her boyfriend cheats on her for the third or fourth time, but fuck that. I've said I'm done way too many times now.

I refuse to let people step all over me the way they always have. If I'm not happy, or if a person or situation isn't compatible with the way I want to live my life or what it takes to keep me from feeling anxious or depressed, fuck it. I have the right to separate myself, and I shouldn't have to feel ashamed for it. It's time to move on.

Numerology

I got bored and decided to delve into a bit of numerology again. It's been a while. All of the conversions and explanations I used here are from http://www.astrology-numerology.com.

DESTINY NUMBER: 7

The number 7 Destiny suggests that the direction of growth in your lifetime will be toward thought, analysis, and the development of a mind skilled at searching out the truth. You must become accomplished at analyzing, judging and discriminating, so that little escapes your observation and deep understanding. In this you will become increasingly introspective, and value seclusiveness and solitude.

You are the type of person that can really get involved in a search for wisdom or hidden truths, and you must become an authority on whatever it is your are focusing on. This can easily be of a technical or scientific nature, or it may be religious or occult, it matters very little, you pursue knowledge with the same sort of vigor. You can make a very fine teacher, or because of a natural inclination toward the spiritual, you may become deeply emerged in religious affairs or even psychic explorations. You have excellent capabilities to study and learn really deep and difficult subjects, and to search for hidden fundamentals.

You tend to operate on a rather different wavelength, and many of your friends may not really know you very well. At full maturity you are likely to be a very peaceful and poised individual. You really like to work alone, at your own pace and in your own way. You neither show or understand emotions very well.

The positive aspects of the 7 Destiny are that you must be a true perfectionist in a very positive sense of the word. You are very logical, and usually employ a quite rational approach to most things you do. You can be so rational at times that you almost seem to lack emotion, and when you are faced with an emotional situation, you may have a bit of a problem coping with it.

If there is an over supply of the number 7 in your makeup, the negative aspects of the number may be apparent. The chief negative of 7 relates to the limited degree of trust that you may have in people. A tendency to be highly introverted can make you a bit on the self-centered side, certainly very much self-contained. Because of this, you are not very adaptable, and you may tend to be overly critical and intolerant.

SOUL URGE NUMBER: 7

With a 7 Soul Urge, you have a strong inner need to gain a spiritual sense about the world around you. You have an inborn appreciation for nature and the wonders of the world around you. Fulfillment comes with being able to spend time in solitude and in seeking wisdom.

INNER DREAMS: 6 (I don't think this makes sense for me.)

You dream of guiding and fostering the perfect family in the perfect home. You crave the devotion from offspring and a loving spouse. You picture yourself in the center of a successful domestic unit.

LIFE PATH NUMBER: 8

The Life Path 8 suggests that you entered this plane armed to lead, direct, organize and govern. You are very ambitious and goal-oriented. You will want to use your ambitions, your organizational ability, and your efficient approach to carve a satisfying niche for yourself. If you are a positive 8 you are endowed with tremendous potential for conceiving far-reaching schemes and ideas, and also possessing the tenacity and independence to follow them through to completion. In short, you were born to be an executive.

You know how to manage yourself and your environment. Your ability to judge the character and potential of the people around you is an asset used to your advantage. A large part of your success in life comes from how hard you work. This Life Path is the most prone to producing workaholics. But your ability to spot good people and engage them in your endeavors is a special trait not to be overlooked. There is an inspirational quality in your makeup which allows you to become a great leader. You are practical and steady in your pursuit of major objectives, and you have the courage of your convictions when it comes to taking the necessary chances to get ahead.

With the Life Path of the number 8 you are focused on learning the satisfactions to be found in the material world. The Life Path 8 produces many powerful, confident and materially successful people. Most of your concerns involve money and learning of the power that comes with its proper manipulation.

This Life Path is perhaps the one that is the most concerned with and desirous of status as an ultimate measure of success. You want to be recognized for your hard work and achievements. The attainment of honors and acceptance into the club of executive leadership is all important. For this, you may find yourself very well suited to compete in the business world or in the political arena.

In relationships, you are frank, honest, and steadfast. You may be very much in love, but watch that you are not too busy and preoccupied to show it. Being the lavish provider is not always an adequate substitute for showing your devotion and affection in more personal ways. You have a great need for close personal relationships to mitigate and somehow soften your nature. You must find the time for love and keep it as an important project in your life.

The negative 8 can be dictatorial and often suppresses the enthusiasm and efforts of fellow member of the environment. Often, the strength of their own personality excludes close feelings for other people with whom they come in contact. Material gains and rewards often become issues of utmost importance, even to the neglect of family, home and peace of mind. Dedication to success can become an obsession. Emotional feelings are often suppressed by the negative 8, resulting in isolation and loneliness. All Life Path 8 people must avoid discounting the opinions of others.

GoodBelly

I decided to try GoodBelly probiotic drinks a few days ago. I think I've used it for four days now. So far, my stomach has been super noisy and I've been bloated as fuck, but other than that, no problems. I'm pretty positive all of that is just because my intestinal flora is changing and everything, which is normal when starting a probiotic, even if you already take other strains. I think that's what turn so many people off of them, but with most things that detoxify the body, you have to go through a little bit of bad to get to the good. Olive leaf certainly made me feel like shit the first time I took it, but after that, I've never had a problem. Anyway, for the first three days I drank the juice (blueberry acai or something like that) and today I took one of the plain Straightshots. That one was kind of unpleasant, taste-wise, but it packs a punch. I prefer Lifeways shots, definitely, since the dairy in kefir doesn't bother me anyway.

I'm going to stick with this stuff for at least the 12 days they recommend. After that, I'll evaluate everything. I definitely understand that it's normal to have side effects at first, so I'm not going to write it off as a failure yet. If my stomach is still loud and annoying after two weeks, though, I'll have to stop using it daily, because it's getting on my nerves already.

Just thought I'd check in and mention the product and my experience with it so far. It's vegan, just a couple bucks a carton, and really good, so you should give it a try if you can. GoodBelly also has a 12 day challenge you can sign up for on their site where they'll send you coupons, and if you don't like the product after 12 days, they'll refund your purchase. Not a bad deal.

SXR

Kill me.

Tonight is one of those nights. Emo music will be on constant rotation and I'll be ingesting some herbal stress-relievers in a minute. (No, not pot.)

It sucks when the people who used to make you happy become the people who make you want to rip your hair out and then bash your head into the wall. I haven't felt this angsty in a while.

I don't know what to do anymore.

SXR

Tubes, Pills, Hunger

I went to the student health center for the first time today. It was a pretty positive experience, especially because I've lost some weight and my blood pressure has seriously improved. However, as usual, my complaint came up irrelevant again, because despite the pain I've had in my ears for the past few days, they're not infected and everything seems fine, aside from red sinuses and blocked eustachian tubes. Sudafed was only $1.95 for 24 at the school pharmacy, which is wonderful, and I'm supposed to take 90 mg and a Mucinex tablet every day until my head clears up. Apparently I have a cold. Weird.

On that note, I think olive leaf really has helped me. I'm still getting half-sick, but it's better than being totally sick. I decided to double my dosage tonight, which my empty stomach isn't entirely pleased with. I'd have taken even more if I hadn't known it'd make me feel like shit. You know something's working when you actually get a die-off effect that goes away with regular use. I'm down to my last few capsules, sadly, and I can't afford to buy any more yet, so I'll have to figure something out there. I'd hate to get off-track with the one pill I actually take almost every single day, especially because it does make me feel better. Actually, I think it's what's bringing my blood pressure down, too, which is fantastic, because hypertension runs in the family and I lose weight at the speed of smell, if not slower.

For the past couple of nights, I've been getting extremely hungry. Lately, I just feel afraid to eat at night for some reason. I have no idea what my deal is right now. Hunger gets painful after a while, and it's not like I don't have access to food. I don't have access to much good food with any nutritional value, but I could at least go grab a handful of trail mix or something. Kefir ended up being the only thing that could satisfy me last night, but I've already had too much of that today, since I've been trying to cut back on sugar. Sometimes I really do wonder if I eat enough. It seems backwards to eat more in order to lose weight, but really, that's how it should be in most peoples' cases. I'm probably hurting myself much more than helping myself by eating less than 1000 calories a day, even if I do have a really low activity level. It takes me forever to lose weight, so there's always the possibility that my body's trying not to let go of the fat because it's not getting enough food. I'm trying to force myself into better eating habits, and eating something satisfying at night should be my next goal. I'm considering investing in protein shakes again because I know they'll fill me up long enough to get to sleep and give me some much-needed nutrients.

Here comes the ear pain, along with the growling stomach. It might be time to turn in.

SXR

Brushing up

I'm about halfway through the second week of the semester. So far, so good, for the most part. I got dropped from yoga, but I guess I'm being added back. I bought one book and I'm waiting on another, as well as the iClicker I need for my math class, which is already a struggle to keep attending. There's something about classes of 200 or so that just make me want to ditch. Other than that, everything's going well. Classes are easy, assignments are quick, painless, and there haven't been many. This might be a pretty good semester.

I finally got my bass out today and tried playing some stuff. In case I hadn't mentioned, I'm doing a Green Day set with Ryan Cod and Alan for a '90s cover show at Bel-Tower on October 29 (exactly a year after the last cover show). I think there will also be Pantera, Creed, and some other bands represented. I keep forgetting who's covering what. All I know is that I finally get to play some Green Day. I've got "Basket Case" down and I'm working on perfecting "Going to Pasalacqua". I have no idea what songs we all want to cover, but I figure I might as well learn my favorites and most of the hits if I can. I've got time. It's nice to finally play bass again. I'm pretty sure I'll need new strings before the show, and possibly a better tune-up, but for now, things are going pretty well.

SXR

Low

Today was okay, I suppose. I had an interview at Macy's, which went okay. I think I looked pretty nice, but I don't have real retail experience, so I automatically assume no one wants to hire me anyway. If the job market wasn't so terrible, I'd think maybe I could get hired just based on intelligence and my genuine desire to help people, but unfortunately, that's not really how it goes right now.

An hour or two ago, my back pain came back. The Icy Hot just wore off and I was too lazy to reapply it, so I guess I'll deal for tonight. I'm bloated, my eyes feel tired and sore from the makeup I had on earlier, I have a sinus headache, my allergies just started acting up... Needless to say, I don't feel great right now. Plus, I'm upset over the fact that nothing I try to do for FYBT Fest works out. The new bands I want to ask to play are all on tour or too far away, and apparently returning acts are no longer welcome, so... I guess I'm out. Everyone else can plan it. Fuck it. Not like I should have any sort of say when we're booking probably seven or eight out-of-town bands. God forbid I try to get just one I'd really like to see.

I should be asleep since I have to be up at 8. I'm tired, but I'm not at the same time. My eyes are way more tired than my mind, which is constantly coming up with new reasons to be pissed off, sad, or worried. I think there are some serious hormonal shifts going on up there heh.

Today I was thinking a lot about whether or not to start shaving regularly for yoga class. I still haven't made up my mind. The pants I'll wear most of the time cover everything but my ankles, but I don't know if I'm ready to be "that fat hairy chick." I know it's a stupid thing to worry about, but I can't help it. I've held off a lot on shaving lately for a few reasons: I finally got some nice tights, I've had cuts and bruises on my legs that have made it painful to shave, my skin is extra dry in the summer, and I've been trying to unlearn the idea that women shouldn't have body hair. Honestly, I'm not a fan of it, but as someone of Mediterranean descent, hair is just something I have to deal with. If I really wanted to shave or wax my whole body, it would take hours, and I'm just not willing to waste my time on stupid shit like that all the time. Every now and then, sure, but not every day. Some people just don't seem to be aware of how time-consuming shaving can be. It's also expensive, sometimes hard on the back, a pain in the ass when you're fat and have more surface to deal with, it dries out the skin, and when the hair starts growing back, it tends to itch. Plus, I have sensitive skin and tend to end up with searing cuts in my armpits and blood all over my legs, which usually doesn't stop for a couple of hours. It's not that I like being hairy; I just don't like taking time out of my day to inflict pain upon myself. I may shave my ankles in the morning. We'll see.

Now that you know more than you want to and eight o'clock is slowly creeping up, I should attempt to go to bed. I'm planning to check out Revive Cafe for the first time tomorrow (raw, organic, and vegan... in FRESNO!?), so I have that to look forward to after a long, boring day of school.

SXR