Eh.

I've been getting depressed again, for some strange reason. I think it's a combination of loneliness, hormones, and anxiety.

I'm having issues with my body again. I know I'm fat, and I really don't think it helps when everyone lies to me and says "no, you're not," because that's a huge lie. Based on my BMI (that system is bullshit, but nevertheless), I'm beyond morbidly obese. While I don't believe in BMIs, I know for a fact that there's a problem here. Ideally, I'd love to lose about fifty pounds. That's a hell of a lot and it's never going to happen, especially since I've been at the same weight since I was about 12 or 13, but a girl can dream. I know I'll never be thin (my family is full of big-boned and stocky people, and that's not just us making excuses for being big), but I'd love to be able to buy clothes or be found attractive by someone other than my closest friends and family. It's all very depressing. For instance, I generally wear size 16 pants, or 36 or 38 in men's sizes, depending on the pants. The other day, I bought a pair of size 38 jeans and they were at least two inches from even buttoning. The store didn't even carry size 40, so I still have no pants and went home feeling really disgusted with myself. I can rarely even shop at Torrid because everything is either too big or too small.

I'm rambling. I came here to say something else, too, but I've forgotten what it was.

Fuck the world.

SXR

Strep throat part two?

It would seem that I'm getting sick again. The same itchy, sore throat is coming back and my mom pointed out that it could be my strep coming back. I would say I have a fever, but I got a slight sunburn today after my hour and a half walk between Fresno City and Tower, so I think that's where the heat is coming from.

Today's really been an emotional battle, for some weird reason. I'm PMSing, but still, I have to have something to spark those over-the-top emotions, right?

I just want to get my period out of the way, find out if I'm sick again, and get on with my life. Is that really so much to ask!?

SXR

Ups and Downs

As I type this, I'm struggling to stay awake thanks to a migraine, as well as the lavender oil on my temples and cup of hot tea I'm attempting to remedy it with. I think my head only hurts because my hair is dirty. (That's the number one reason I'll never be a crust punk. I guess the fact that I don't listen to the music is a big part of that, too, but half the crusties I've come into contact with don't, either.)
I noticed that I have yet to gush about kefir here, so I decided to do that tonight. I've been drinking kefir smoothies (Lifeway) for two weeks or more, at least a cup a day, and I've felt amazing! I can finally digest my food again and not feel like shit all the time! I really have noticed a change in my body since I've started drinking it, so I'm going to continue doing so. I'd like to start making my own so I can have fresh kefir smoothies every morning, but I have no idea where to get starter grains in the area, and I'm trying not to buy the powder starters, so if anyone knows of a good seller in Central California, let me know!
The Bel-Tower has been in our possession for six months now. Six months! It's hard to believe we've made it this far. It's been ridiculously difficult, but definitely equally fulfilling. We've had our fair share of issues with people (such as the infamous pity party incident on April 1), but so many people have shown us love and support that it almost brings a sappy little tear to my eye. As long as people keep that love and support up, I know we can keep the collective up and running. There are so many things I still want to do with it.
My last batch of vegan donuts was great. I tried some new icing flavors (lemon and orange vanilla) which came out great. I'm hoping to make donuts more often; people like them, they're not hard to make, and I need money! I give major props to Jan of Stay Sweet Cupcakes; the amount of baking she does sometimes is insane, and even if I try to do this more often, even regularly, I don't think I could ever manage to do the amount of work she does. What's nice about donuts is that they require no decorating skills; that makes them perfect for me.
I finished a painting today. I want to hang it at The Bel-Tower, but I'm slightly afraid it'll be stolen. Haley's have never been stolen, but all three of mine disappeared and they sucked. Maybe someone has shitty taste in art and bad manners?
SXR