Exciting News!

I've finally done it! I've booked a show that has a pretty slim chance of falling through! This is something I've been excited about for probably a month or more now, and it's definitely kept me on my toes. I'm sure it will continue to until the day after it's happened heh.

As you can see by the photo to your left, the very first show I'll be doing on my own (I've done a few events in the past with other people) will be with forgetters (with Blake Schwarzenbach, Kevin Mahon, and Caroline Paquita) and Street Eaters. I'm sure this is a bad idea on my part, but I'll make it work. Once I find some locals and start promoting the shit out of it, I think it'll be smooth sailing from then on. (Unless, of course, someone drops on me, in which case it won't be so smooth.)

I'm really excited about this, and I know a few other people are, too. Contrary to popular belief, I am not obsessed with Blake Schwarzenbach; I'm just a really big fan of his writing and consider him somewhat of an inspiration. Not that I write much anymore, but I'd like to, and he's one of those people who makes me feel a bit less like giving up on it. Needless to say, this opportunity to work with him is incredibly exciting. It could also damage my image of him if he turns out to be a huge douchebag, but eh, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Mark your calendars, plan your rides, save your pennies; you've got just less than two months.

SXR

An Alternative to Slitting Your Wrist

I recently watched (part of) the documentary for which this post is named and decided to give myself an assignment: instead of letting depression and anxiety get to me, I'm going to create a "bucket list" of sorts and document some sort of positive thought every day, to the best of my abilities. I bought a fancy new journal just so I'll feel motivated to actually do it, since, as we all know, spiral-bound notebooks aren't exactly the first things you want to reach for when you're trying to think about something other than school. So far, I have a list of twenty-some things I'd like to accomplish, and I wrote down some imagery that stuck with me and made me feel better last night, which is a start.

Today was very up-and-down, but I suppose that overall, it's been fun. I had some good times with Corina, KC, Nick, Tone, Matt, Lolita, and Andrew, so it's all good. I also received my JTB hoodie in the mail, just as I'd hoped I would, so it was nice to come home to that. I swear there's nothing better on a cold day than a brand new hoodie.

And now, a list of some of my favorite songs at the moment, just for fun:

• "Cat Heaven" -Jets to Brazil
• "Wish List" -Jets to Brazil
• "Chinatown" -Jets to Brazil
• "Sea Anemone" -Jets to Brazil
• "Bivouac" -Jawbreaker
• "Chesterfield King"- Jawbreaker
• "Want" -Jawbreaker
• "Accident Prone" -Jawbreaker
• "You've Got Everything Now" -The Smiths
• "This Charming Man" -The Smiths
• "A Guided Tour of Chicago" -The Lawrence Arms
• "Detention" -The Lawrence Arms
• "100 Resolutions" -The Lawrence Arms
• "Too Small to Fail" -forgetters

That's enough for now, I suppose, and I'm sure none of these are the least bit surprising. I've probably posted half of them on Facebook at some point, too. I do still listen to other things, of course. I'm listening to Good Riddance at the moment, another band that I love to death.

Until next time,

SXR

Light on the angst.

Despite the fact that I'm stressed beyond belief this week, I'll leave the angst out of this blog and focus on other things.

The Bel-Tower is still a hit, although we're in serious financial trouble. You win some, you lose some, I suppose, but that doesn't make it any less painful. The one month anniversary of our first show was last Friday, so it'd really be a shame to lose it now. Plus, we've got shows booked into January, and I'd hate to leave people hanging. If anyone happens to know anybody with a few hundred bucks to spare, have them send it our way, please. We somehow used close to $300 worth of water (in one month, when we hardly even use water), and we haven't even gotten the electricity bill yet, so we are completely and totally fucked, it would seem. But there's always a silver lining: if we lose the place, I can stop spending all of my money on it.

(Somehow, the trade-off isn't that appealing.)

SXR

Bad Week, Everyone's Fault

Disclaimer: I'm on my period and therefore have even more built up angst than usual. Ignore everything I say or do for a couple days.

I'm pissed. Why? Why not!? I've been cancelled on, used, ignored, left out, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. You people really have to do this when I'm menstrual? That's just rude. On top of that, I'm still dealing with some really annoying feelings that I have yet to figure out, and they're causing me a lot of low self-esteem, jealousy, anxiety, depression, and all of that other good shit. I know I'm wasting my time, but it's how my mind works and I can't help it.

Everytime I find someone I feel I can count on, I'm somehow proven wrong. For once, I'd like to find just one person who didn't mind my occasional bouts of depression, anxiety, and anger, someone who'd spend time with me regardless and really give a shit about how I feel. I know people who do that to an extent, but it's usually a fairly small extent. I know I'm a lot to handle, but I like to think I'm worth it.

There's so much I want to say, but it's probably best that I don't say it; a number of people (as if they ever read this hah) would close the window and be very upset.

I'm going to continue to listen to '80s hardcore and mope.

My outlook on life is (not currently) positive.

SXR

Replacement

Since I'm taking a bit of a break from social networking, I'm making an attempt to blog more often (since basically no one reads it anyway, so I know no one is going to make it into a fucking joke).

Yesterday was brutal, as was the day before. Today's been a little better, although I did wake up at 1:30 in the afternoon, so there hasn't been much time for things to get fucked up yet. Last night, I did get a bit of a pick-me-up. I hung out with Corina, Kc, Nick (Glamour Tronic), and his friend Matt in River Park. We played Uno with a random little black kid who talked a lot of shit hah. Good times. Speaking of which, watch out for our new skinhead crew, Burrito Skins. We don't fuck around.

Since I'm in one of those places where I'm pretty susceptible to new things (as well as emotions, apparently), I decided to download Jets To Brazil's discography. It's the only band Blake Schwarzenbach has been in that I haven't been able to get into, and I'm not entirely sure why. It lacks the aggression Jawbreaker had, but then again, so have Blake's newer bands, to some extent. It's either too clean or too... soft? in its angstiness, I guess. I assume it's only a matter of time (and repetition) before I get into it, especially since (thanks mostly, I'm sure, to EmoGame 2) I'm on a bit of a classic emo kick. I wish I hadn't been so anxious to cast off the emo thing when I was younger and all of these great bands were still around or relevant heh. I remember getting a Jets sampler with some magazine and listening to it once or twice, then giving it away. I thought it was cool, but evidently, not cool enough. I also remember people talking about Piebald all the fucking time, and now, I'm pretty sure most people don't give a shit about them. It's crazy how emo became what it is today heh. Late '90s/early '00s emo is nothing like current emo. Weird shit.

I have business to attend to now. (After I play some EmoGame 2.)

SXR

In which I feel like shit.

I have so very much to say right now about certain people and certain things they've said.

However, all I'm going to say is that I've been depressed enough that I've resorted to listening to Jets To Brazil (who I'm not even into) and playing Emogame 2. I beat level one in less than ten minutes.

Depressing.

SXR

Pointless Post

I just really feel the need to list all of the bizarre things that I'm really strangely interested in and which would surprise most people who haven't known me for most of my life. (These are often things I look up on Youtube; I have no time for viral videos.)

• Soundscapes (by which I mean primarily nature sounds). My favorite site for this is soundsleeping.com.
• The call of the loon.
• Native American music.
• Celtic music.
• Spillways and dams. Arguably my most bizarre interests. I don't care about how they work or whether or not they're beneficial; I just like the way they look when they're flowing.
• Indian and other assorted eastern music.
• Occasional fantasy novels, such as The Lord of the Rings trilogy. I was way too into that for a while.
• Gregorian chant.
• Religious symbolism. (I'm not religious at all; I just think the symbols and imagery are incredibly interesting and gorgeous.)
• Rustic decor.
• Dead languages (despite the fact that I've never learned any).
• Old churches.

That'll suffice for now. I just felt the need to list this shit somewhere. I sometimes forget just how many off-the-wall things I get really into from time to time.

SXR

Bay Area Weekend

I went up to San Francisco last Thursday with a friend who attended the Femme Conference in Oakland, which sounded like an amazing experience. As for myself, I hung out with my friends Ralph and Josh, who moved up there a few months ago. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were comprised of vegan food, tattoos, and hanging out in San Francisco, then on Sunday, I went over to Berkeley to hang out with my friend Gabby on her birthday. She got her first tattoo, which is always fun to see.

I'm ecstatic about my own new tattoo, so I had to blog about it and do a really shity edit of it to use as the header for the blog, which you may or may not have noticed. I got it done at Double Crossed Tattoo in the Mission District in San Francisco. If you're in the area and looking for a tattoo, stop by! The shop is nice and the guys there were great. Greg was my artist, and holy shit, we seriously lucked out heh. We'd been to a couple shops who didn't have time for us, but when we got to Double Crossed, they were totally down to work on us. I'm so glad I ended up with an artist who likes Jawbreaker. This tattoo is currently my favorite thing ever. I would post a picture, but that seems redundant, seeing as it's in the header.

I started at Fresno State today, by the way. Could be worse.

SXR

The Soapy Smell of Failure

I'm into activism. That doesn't mean I'm going to throw myself in front of vehicles or stop eating for a week. I consider myself a bit of a feminist. That doesn't mean I don't believe in shaving or dating men, so long as they're respectful. I often feel like there's really no "scene" I belong to. If nothing else, I suppose I belong to the Fresno/Central Valley DIY scene, if such a thing really, truly exists. It isn't much of a scene; it's just a few disjointed individuals and groups who rarely come together all at once, especially from different cities. I don't consider myself a punk, a hardcore kid, a hipster, an activist... Sometimes it's insane how people try to keep all of these groups seperate. It's like a plate of delicious food has been served to the city of Fresno, but Fresno (or the people in it) won't let any of the items touch. Now and then you'll see hardcore kids and punks at the same show, but you almost never see all of these "subcultures" at the same time and in the same place. There's very little unity here, and it seems to go against everything the punk and hardcore communities stand for.

I wasn't quite going anywhere with that, in case you were wondering. Just saying.

I recently started making soap (melt and pour, since I don't have easy access to all of the supplies I'd need to make it from scratch right now) in hopes of pulling in a little cash. So far, nothing. I listed some stuff on eBay and have seen some considerable interest, so I may be able to afford a couple more shows; I'm getting really low on cash and have no job, so driving to and from Fresno all the time and going to shows is going to get really difficult. I'll find a way, though; it's all I really have heh. 3SN is all but done, otherXcore zine may never happen... It's disappointing to see so many of my ideas kind of crash and burn. I'm a creative person, but that creativity tends to be a bit unfocused, so it rarely goes anywhere or does anything for me. I'm supposed to start doing shows in Madera soon (which is something I've always wanted to do), but we'll see how that goes. I can either be ridiculously DIY and break into semi-abandoned buildings (which is quite risky, since I'd rather go to college than jail), or I can shell out a ton of money to rent a space. I hate to say it, but the second option sounds slightly more favorable. We'll see how that goes. In the future, I'd love to do some kind of fest, sort of like Madstock and Fresno Fest, but I don't see myself having the money, time, or connections anytime soon. Ideally, it'd be a couple days long, have a bunch of bands from all over the area, and maybe from elsewhere, have workshops, and be a really cool unifying experience for everyone, but eh. Maybe that's just wishful thinking.

Side note: I'm pretty sure absolutely no one reads this blog, but I bet that if I had a tumblr, people would suddenly be interested. (Blogspot is for real bloggers. Unlike myself. I'm not bad enough for tumblr, though.)

SXR

Excitement and Apathy

I don't know why I don't blog more often; I always have so many things I need to share with no one. Let's get down to business.

Weekend before last (I believe), I accompanied several other members of MYL to the Kern family farm, located around North Fork. I'm not entirely interested in farming, but I am interested in DIY, and because of that, I found it incredibly interesting and inspiring. Everything the family grows on their 82 (if I remember correctly) acres is organic, and the farm is almost entirely self-sustainable. Not only that, but the entire farm was built from the ground up by the family. It's quite incredible how much time, money, and energy has gone into it. My hand got a little fucked up from clipping and peeling garlic, but I had a great time.

Now, on to less exciting and interesting things.

I don't know if you care, but I'll let you know what my life has become: I drive all the way to CYC a minimum of two or three times a week, stand off by myself, then usually go to Denny's with Chris until 6 or 7 in the morning. I do this stuff so often that it's sad. Almost every Denny's employee in Fresno (the ones who work nights, that is) must know all about me and Chris and our late-night Denny's escapades. Surprisingly, it is entirely possible to just talk to one person for six or seven hours in one night and not really get sick of it.

Other than that, my obsession with pop punk continues. I've finally gotten into "Dear You," which was, I'm sure, inevitable, and as I type this, I'm pre-ordering the long-awaited forgetters 7", which comes out in September. I still haven't gotten that into Jets to Brazil, but I'm sure that'll happen before long. I can't help it; Blake Schwarzenbach knows how to get to me. He's the poet I wish I could be.

Also, I now make soap. If ever you need glycerin soap with lavendar, honey, green tea, oatmeal, or rose, hit me up; I need money for college. I paid my Fall fees today: a whopping $2,439.50. That's gonna take a lot of soap to pay off.

SXR

Goings on

Last Thursday, I finally had my gallbladder removed. Miraculously, I made it out of the hospital (where I was forced to stay for approximately 30 hours) having had only two doses of demerol, and I never took any of the vicodin I was prescribed. I'm still sort of in the recovery process, but I'm doing well, aside from some itching in my incisions. I've already been to two shows since the surgery, so I'm doing quite well. I even drove there, despite my doctor's orders not to drive.

Last week, I also became examiner.com's Fresno straight edge culture writer, so I'm sort of employed as a freelance writer! I hear the pay is terrible (and since it's based primarily on page views, I'm sure it is), and I'm bound to run out of topics in no time, but in my current state of unemployment, it's better than nothing. If you've got any ideas for articles, please feel free to let me know. They have to be relevant to Fresno's straight edge scene or something I can tie into the local scene.

In other news, I'm trying to start a zine for the third or fourth time. This September will be the second anniversary of the 3SN zine that never happened! (Thanks, Kelly hah.) I'm thinking that this one will be a mix of my own assorted shitty work, including collages, fiction, nonfiction, and terrible drawings. Hopefully I can give it some sort of relevance that will make people actually want to read an issue or two. Wish me luck.

SXR

Crazy how things change.

I believe I was twelve years old when I declared AFI my favorite band of all time and swore they always would be (hence the really bad AFI prison-style tattoo on my ankle hah). While I still love them, I'm finally swallowing my pride and admitting to myself that I've been wrong all these years. (It's already been probably close to seven years now. So crazy.)

I can now say, with some certainty, that Jawbreaker is my favorite band. Who'd have seen that one coming when I was the little fat girl with the faux devillock and the eyeliner halfway down her face?

Luckily, I haven't gotten to the sad level of obsession I had over AFI with Jawbreaker. I think I'm past the fangirl stage of my life now. However, pop punk (particularly that which came out of the nineties) is taking over my life. I guess that's a good thing, considering my cynicism (which Jawbreaker adresses quite well); I need a little more posi in my life. It's also kind of fun to talk about all the bands I've been listening to lately and have everyone give me a blank stare in return. Listening to bands your friends have never heard of is so punx. Plus, since I'm starting college this fall, I'll finally get to be that former semi-stereotype of a middle class, white, vegetarian college student who listens to pop punk, is into activism, makes shirts, and majors in English. So psyched.

I think it's time to make a fun mix-CD (consisting mostly of Jawbreaker and Latterman) for my frequent drives to Fresno.

SXR

Existential Crisis

Sunday morning, I woke up with the weirdest feeling. I kind of just felt like I didn't belong-- I didn't belong in my bed, in my room, in my body, anywhere. From then on, this week has been an almost non-stop existential crisis, and holy shit, am I exhausted. I'm sure other people are tired of me and my whining, but they'll get over it shortly after I get over myself hah.

I've accomplished an awful lot lately, and I don't know why I never blog about anything. For the sake of simplicity, here's a list:

1. I helped plan and run an event, which took place today and was quite a success.
2. I baked vegan cupcakes from scratch for the first time and they were fucking delicious.
3. I helped paint a giant 15x4 foot banner for the event.
4. I did three acrylic paintings on canvas, which I don't think I've ever done before.
5. I bought a Yudu.
6. I made myself a Jawbreaker shirt and printed a bunch of 3SN shirts.
7. I made over $40 off of 3SN stuff today.
8. I discovered that I have gallstones and have surgery scheduled for June 15.

I feel like I've done more than that, but it's slipping my mind. I lead a generally unexciting life, filled with unnecessary emotions, bitterness, and Jawbreaker.

SXR

Nothing New

So, while some people were at Coachella, getting drunk in the ridiculously hot sun, I was doing cooler, more productive things here in the 559. Friday night, I stopped by C.A.F.E. Infoshop for the Microcosm Publishing Post Punk Extravaganza Tour, which was a good time. Good people, good vegan food, a cool documentary, an interesting exhibit, and lots of radical zines and books. Everyone who didn't go missed out. On Saturday, Kelly and I helped our friend Tiffany with her CVAQ event, during which I got a crazy sunburn on my wrists, the back of my neck, and the backs of my calves. Not fun. After that, we stopped by Vintage Days at Fresno State, then made our way to the Tower District, where we ate at Loving Hut, which is basically still Au Lac hah. I'm getting good at navigating around Downtown Fresno and the Tower District, by the way. After lunch/dinner/whatever, we went to the Vulgar/Velisha/Destruct show. Kelly interviewed me and Chris for her English project and we had some fun discussions, as usual. CYC and people like Kelly, Chris, and the infamous Batlord are the reason I'm not killing myself over the fact that I'm not moving to the Bay Area this summer, truly.

The documentary we saw ("If It Ain't Cheap, It Ain't Punk") definitely inspired me to pick back up on a few projects I'd been working on and planning, including a documentary I've been talking about doing for months now. Since I'm stuck in the Central Valley for at least two more years, I figured why not start up on it now? I'm in the process of planning it all out and trying to get the logistics down right now, but I hope to start doing some really bad filming within the next couple of months. The shittier, the better, right? DIY for life.

Speaking of which, I encourage everyone who stumbles across this blog to really pursue any great ideas they have, no matter how limited their resources might seem. Whether it's writing a zine or book, opening a venue, throwing an event or show, starting a club, or creating some form of art or other media, it can be done! Gather your resources, find help from friends, and don't give up! Through hard work and a lot of DIY mentality, anything can be done.

Me and my strange virus are off to work on that documentary now. Good night, all.

SXR

Coast to Coast

I'm sure there are a number of things I had planned on blogging about and never did. C'est la vie. Shit happens.

It's currently almost one in the morning, I'm bored, I'm awake, and I leave for San Francisco tomorrow at midnight to catch a flight to New York. I'm pretty excited to visit NYC, because I've never really been to the East Coast, aside from a driving trip we took to Tennessee when I was young, and because, hey, who doesn't want to go to New York? It's funny that I've been to places like London and Paris, but never New York. I'm sure the trip will be full of amazing vegan food, annoyance at drunk friends, good times, and an incredible lack of money.

Maybe I'll post a blog while I'm there or when I get back. Don't get your hopes up, though.

SXR

Education in America

I doubt many people are aware of the storm that's been brewing here in Madera, CA, but I can assure you that it's a big one. Recently, MUSD superintendent John Stafford asked for a 9% raise, and the Board of Education voted to give it to him. Meanwhile, teachers are being furloughed and layed off, as are other school employees, schools are in danger of being closed, programs are being cut, as is transportation, and classes are about to get even bigger. As a high school student, I've been very interested in the whole debate, and it's caused me to think a lot about the state of education in Madera, as well as in California and the United States as a whole. While I was thinking about it earlier, something occured to me: education has become startlingly similar to the factory farming industry.

Allow me to explain.

To the district, or even the state, students are like cattle, or, as the saying generally goes, sheep. The schools are nothing but farms, where students are fenced in, fed cheap food, and kept "in line." This is a basic breakdown of how the system works:

• Cram as many sheep, excuse me, students, into a school as possible. Allow class sizes to reach 38-40+ students each and disregard the fact that materials will have to be shared. It doesn't matter, really, because half of these sheep will die, or drop out, in no time, right?
• Herd the sheep through the system as quickly as possible. No need to delve beneath the surface of subjects; it won't be on the benchmark, after all.
• Once the sheep have been in holding for four years, get them out of the farm as soon as possible. As long as they meet the minimum standard and bring in the money Farmer Stafford needs, they can be shipped out to a bigger farm (namely college), or sent out into the world to wander around unprepared (but that's of little consequence, really).
• Bring in the next truckload and cut costs accordingly. If the last bunch was good enough to go to auction, these ones will be too, but there's nothing wrong with cutting corners a bit to keep things simple. Extra-curricular activities aren't important; sheep are stupid anyway.

It sounds much better in my head, but you get the analogy. Get them in, make sure they meet the minimum requirements with as little cost to the district as possible, ship them out. I'm not a fan of factory farming, so it goes without saying that I think factory education is fucking disgusting. Dixieland Elementary is being closed down and 120 positions are being eliminated, and this is only the beginning. When a district is allowed to spend money on anything other than education, something is clearly wrong, and this is a problem that must be fixed for the sake of Madera, California, the United States, and the world.

SXR

Angst.

I need therapy. When I was still denying that fact, my mother was trying to force me to go; now that I admit it, she thinks it's a stupid idea. I'm at a very stressful point in my life and suffering from severe anxiety, emetophobia, and random bouts of depression, but now would be a bad time for therapy? I just don't get it.

I apologize for venting here, but that's what blogs are for.

I do very little for fun. I don't get out very often, aside from school, rehearsals, and meetings. All I really do for fun is go to shows. I haven't been to a single show since January 30, and it is now February 21. I've missed at least five shows this month, and each time one comes along, I get excited at the prospect of finally going out and seeing a few friendly, familiar faces. After the crushing disappointment of being denied a trip to San Francisco on Saturday, being told I had to miss yet another show tonight just gutted me. I'm sore from painting a set for four hours, I haven't felt well in a year, I have tons of senior year shit to deal with, and now, every time something good comes along, it gets ripped away at the last minute.

I've tried so hard over the past few months to stay positive, but it gets harder and harder. My anxiety gets worse, opportunities to go out and have fun are fewer and fewer, my health is constantly declining, I'm being told my college plans are stupid...

In short, fuck my life. I'm getting tired of building myself back up only to be knocked down even further each time.

I'm going to go cry some more and wallow in self pity.

SXR

God Save McQueen

I know I'm posting this a bit late' but I have to say that when I heard about Lee McQueen's death, I was shocked. As far as I'm concerned, he was one of the best, most innovative designers of all time, and his death will have a huge impact on the fashion industry. In honor of McQueen, I've got a new shirt design, which I'll hopefully be printing before too long. I know it's been done, but hey, I like my idea better.

In other news, I've been lonely, college isn't sorted out, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm off to wallow in mild self-pity for a while. Let's hope the remainder of the three-day weekend is a bit better.

SXR

Present.

I've been neglecting my blog lately, which isn't surprising, considering my blogging history. Shame on me. I've had little to say, for some reason, and the things I did have to say, I've lost. I did recently play in the snow for the first time, which was fun. I felt like a toddler, falling on my ass and basically having no idea what to do with snow heh. Such is life in the Central Valley.

I managed to make it to CYC for the Sabertooth Zombie show last Saturday, and holy shit, best show ever. (Vulgar+rotting vegetables)+big crowd+(popcorn+chips+couch cushions+absolute chaos)=best show ever. Everyone who missed it really missed out. I, unfortunately, had to leave early due to my lack of transportation, but I'm glad I went at all. If there's anything I've learned in the past six months or so, it's that you never really know what'll happen at CYC, but chances are, it'll be memorable.

I also finally got to see AFI again, for the first time since 2006, I believe. It was at the Rainbow Ballroom in Fresno, a city they've neglected since 2004. While Chris totally missed out on it, they played "Love Is a Many Splendored Thing" and "Advances in Modern Technology," both of which I was incredibly excited to hear. They also played "On the Arrow," which nearly brought a tear to my eye, seeing as that song was once incredibly important to me. There was a surprisingly large amount of bros out on the floor, as well as a few older drunks, but overall, I had a fantastic time. It was well worth the $30 to see my favorite band, as well as Viva Hate and Ceremony, who were great, despite the fact that a few people decided to be rude and attempt to chant them off the stage. Kids these days.

Just thought I'd give my tiny handful of readers a quick update. Remember: if you switch to solar power, not only will you be helping the environment, you'll also be saving money on your electricity bill; PG&E are being very kind to people who use less electricity these days.

SXR

Sound and Fury

I can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon than listening to good records (I'm spinning Youth Brigade at the moment), contemplating the future, and lounging around in the most comfortable sweats in Britain and a well-worn Operation Ivy hoodie.

This month has had a lot of ups and downs, and my mental health has definitely been affected, but I've actually got a couple things to look forward to right now. First off, Tuesday, I'm going to see "Jesus Christ Superstar" with Ted Neeley, who, for those who might not know, played Jesus in the movie. My parents saw it a couple years ago, and loved it, so I'm excited. The movie is pretty cool, and I imagine it's even better on-stage.

The thing I'm most excited about, though, is the AFI show on the twenty-seventh. I've only seen them once before, and it was from way up in the stands at Download, so I'm incredibly excited to have to opportunity to get up in front and fight to stay there hah. Anyone who really knows me knows that they're my favorite band and have been for years, so it would probably come as no surprise that I'm going to get more and more ecstatic before the day of the show. I'm also really looking forward to seeing Ceremony and Viva Hate, and I'm really hoping for some great covers or old songs from AFI; they haven't played Fresno since 2004 or so, so I believe they owe it to us heh.

I really had nothing of importance to say, so I'll close by saying that everyone in the Central Valley should check out CYC's new site, chinatownyouthcenter.org and their blog at chinatownyouthcenter.blogspot.com.

SXR

Resolutions

Being a major hypochondriac, I'm constantly afraid that my health is rapidly deteriorating, so this year, I'm making a serious attempt at getting healthy. By the end of the year, I'd like to have lost at least twenty pounds and improved my overall health. I've been working out and drinking more water, and my vitamins are almost on track again, so all I need to do is cut out more junk food and fine-tune everything else. I've decided that next week, I'm going to attempt to go raw vegan for a week, which should get me going in the right direction heh.

I'm supposed to be writing an essay on Robert Browning's "Porphyria's Lover," so I'll get back to that. I just needed to put my intentions down somewhere heh.

SXR

Priceless.

You know what's funny? I spend all this time defending people and giving them the benefit of the doubt even when I know for a fact they're lying to me, and what do they do? They continue to walk all over me. It's fantastic.

I've determined that the people I know through music and shows are the only people I can rely on. It's weird, really, but no matter what, I know that we have something in common, which isn't always something I can say for other people. Morals, lifestyles, favorite bands, aspirations... Certain people get those, others can't relate. By no means am I saying that everyone I associate with should have the same beliefs, eating habits, and favorite music, but it helps to at least have some common ground, or an understanding, at the very least. Here at home, that's hard to find, and it brings me down. A friend of mine hit the nail on the head with that one. Madera just isn't home to me in that I don't feel like I belong. Fresno feels more like home in that sense, and CYC has truly become a home away from home for me. I'm too awkward to just go up to everyone and introduce myself, but I know several people now, and I'm sure I'll finally get to know more of them eventually. The people I don't know, I recognize, and that's nice. I feel comfortable there, and as I get older, comfort is hard for me to find in public places.

I'm finding more and more motivation to finally get my license, despite my fear of being killed on the road heh. The sooner I have a license, the sooner I can spend all of my time in Fresno and just leave this unfortunate city behind.

SXR

So, it's 2010.

Happy New Year to anyone who might be reading this. I hope your New Year's Eve and New Year's Day were enjoyable, because mine were anything but.

More college application deadlines are approaching and today, I made the decision not to apply to Pratt or SFAI. The reality is that my family can't afford the $34,000tuition, let alone the other fees and living expenses, so now, Pratt is on the backburner until a better time comes along. As for AI, it was going to be my last resort school anyway, so I might as well save the application fee.

It's funny how life works; for the past several years, I've dreamed of going to Berkeley, studying psycology, et cetera, and now, I'm totally unsure about UC Berkeley and I've decided I have more of a future in creative writing. It sucks being wrong about your own wants and needs, but I suppose it's part of growing up. (Since I just saw "SLC Punk" for the first time last night, I can relate it to that, and it's funny that I should watch that when I'm encountering a sort of similar situation.)

In other news, I also watched "What We Do is Secret," and I quite enjoyed it. I know some people hate just about everything about it, but I thought that overall, and especially for an independent biopic, it was really good. Good casting, good cinematography, good writing... I really didn't have a problem with it heh. True, Darby came off as a bit of a douchebag for at least half the movie, but hey, it's a movie. I think Shane West did a fantastic job as Darby Crash; not only does he resemble him, I think he captured the personality pretty well. Had I been in charge, the one thing I would really have done differently would have been to spend more time on Darby's emotional decline. It was there, but I don't think it went quite deep enough. It's worth a watch, no matter what, though.

SXR