Angst.

I need therapy. When I was still denying that fact, my mother was trying to force me to go; now that I admit it, she thinks it's a stupid idea. I'm at a very stressful point in my life and suffering from severe anxiety, emetophobia, and random bouts of depression, but now would be a bad time for therapy? I just don't get it.

I apologize for venting here, but that's what blogs are for.

I do very little for fun. I don't get out very often, aside from school, rehearsals, and meetings. All I really do for fun is go to shows. I haven't been to a single show since January 30, and it is now February 21. I've missed at least five shows this month, and each time one comes along, I get excited at the prospect of finally going out and seeing a few friendly, familiar faces. After the crushing disappointment of being denied a trip to San Francisco on Saturday, being told I had to miss yet another show tonight just gutted me. I'm sore from painting a set for four hours, I haven't felt well in a year, I have tons of senior year shit to deal with, and now, every time something good comes along, it gets ripped away at the last minute.

I've tried so hard over the past few months to stay positive, but it gets harder and harder. My anxiety gets worse, opportunities to go out and have fun are fewer and fewer, my health is constantly declining, I'm being told my college plans are stupid...

In short, fuck my life. I'm getting tired of building myself back up only to be knocked down even further each time.

I'm going to go cry some more and wallow in self pity.

SXR