I'm having a shitty night, and I don't want to look even worse than I normally do on Facebook, so I figured I'd take my honesty where no one would read it.

Tonight, one of my dogs has been having a lot of pain in what seems to be her right leg or hip. She can barely get off the couch and whines whenever she shifts. She's 7-ish and a big dog, so she's pretty old. She's got a lot of gray, but generally speaking, she acts just as young as she always has. Watching her try so hard to move, though, and hearing her cry has really done a number on me. I love my dogs more than I even care about most people, because when I'm sitting alone at home 3 days a week or more, they're the only company I have. They have personalities and they make bitchy faces and they don't mind sitting around and watching TBS in silence all day. They're my best friends. The thought of losing one is one of the most difficult things in the world for me. It's happened before and it'll happen again, but I hate it more than anything. Losing people is incredibly difficult, but it somehow seems more unfair when it's an animal. I can't even watch movies in which a dog dies because it brings up such shitty feelings. I've been crying off and on all evening, and I can't seem to stop for more than twenty minutes. I'm anxious by nature, but when I have a reason to be, I get so much worse. I'm not ready for anything to happen.

I have so much to say on that front, but I don't know how to say it, so I guess I won't. All I know is that my stomach hurts, I'm congested, my nose is runny, and I've got tears everywhere. I'm sure I'm gorgeous right now.

Speaking of loss, I think I'm finally nearing the end of my really shitty friendship with Rachal. She insisted on having things her way, then apparently suddenly changed her mind a couple months ago. I honestly have a huge suspicion it has a lot to do with dick, which is really fucked up of me, but I'm not going to lie. She wants to go live her delusional, typical teenage life, and that's fine. I, however, don't want to stick around for it. It depresses me, especially because I still care so much when she clearly doesn't. If I ever need to talk, she doesn't have time, but a co-worker has a shitty day and she puts me off to go over there and hang out with him. Our friendship has been way too one-sided for way too long, no matter what she seems to think. I'm tired of having to be the one to really work at friendships. That's how it always seems to go. Maybe everyone else just "grows up" and I don't? I have no job, no love life of any kind, few obligations. I realize that things change, but even on days when I have school from 10 AM to 8 PM, I find time for friends. Maybe that's unusual; fuck if I know. It's what I've done all my life and I don't plan on ever stopping.

A few months ago, I took myself out of the friendship, hoping for a break that would let me clear my head and figure out where I stood, but she refused to let me have that. The same thing happened just a couple months ago. I called for another break yesterday (or the day before); so far, so good. To be honest, if I never hear from her again, I think I'll be better off. She likes to tell me how shitty I am as a person when I ask for breaks, but (and I know I'm biased) I think it's the other way around. I've made myself available during school, during school nights, during events, during shows, basically 24/7 for five years or so. I allowed her to have things her way for over a year. I continue to be around for her when she needs to talk, even when I desperately need the same. She's never there when I need her. She lies to me regularly. She puts me down for being upset about anything. It's extremely emotionally draining and it's pretty much isolated itself (the friendship, that is) as my biggest source of anxiety and depression. During the few short breaks I have been able to take, I've been happy. It takes a couple of days to get there, but when I do, it's amazing. Then, she comes along before I'm ready and tears me back down. I need to end it. She just won't let me. This entire friendship has been on her terms, and she refuses to do anything my way, including letting me leave. In the next few days, I may do just that. All of my other "friends" have worked themselves out of my life; I think I need to make the effort to work her out of mine because she refuses to do it herself. I think she wants me around as a fall-back for when her boyfriend cheats on her for the third or fourth time, but fuck that. I've said I'm done way too many times now.

I refuse to let people step all over me the way they always have. If I'm not happy, or if a person or situation isn't compatible with the way I want to live my life or what it takes to keep me from feeling anxious or depressed, fuck it. I have the right to separate myself, and I shouldn't have to feel ashamed for it. It's time to move on.

Numerology

I got bored and decided to delve into a bit of numerology again. It's been a while. All of the conversions and explanations I used here are from http://www.astrology-numerology.com.

DESTINY NUMBER: 7

The number 7 Destiny suggests that the direction of growth in your lifetime will be toward thought, analysis, and the development of a mind skilled at searching out the truth. You must become accomplished at analyzing, judging and discriminating, so that little escapes your observation and deep understanding. In this you will become increasingly introspective, and value seclusiveness and solitude.

You are the type of person that can really get involved in a search for wisdom or hidden truths, and you must become an authority on whatever it is your are focusing on. This can easily be of a technical or scientific nature, or it may be religious or occult, it matters very little, you pursue knowledge with the same sort of vigor. You can make a very fine teacher, or because of a natural inclination toward the spiritual, you may become deeply emerged in religious affairs or even psychic explorations. You have excellent capabilities to study and learn really deep and difficult subjects, and to search for hidden fundamentals.

You tend to operate on a rather different wavelength, and many of your friends may not really know you very well. At full maturity you are likely to be a very peaceful and poised individual. You really like to work alone, at your own pace and in your own way. You neither show or understand emotions very well.

The positive aspects of the 7 Destiny are that you must be a true perfectionist in a very positive sense of the word. You are very logical, and usually employ a quite rational approach to most things you do. You can be so rational at times that you almost seem to lack emotion, and when you are faced with an emotional situation, you may have a bit of a problem coping with it.

If there is an over supply of the number 7 in your makeup, the negative aspects of the number may be apparent. The chief negative of 7 relates to the limited degree of trust that you may have in people. A tendency to be highly introverted can make you a bit on the self-centered side, certainly very much self-contained. Because of this, you are not very adaptable, and you may tend to be overly critical and intolerant.

SOUL URGE NUMBER: 7

With a 7 Soul Urge, you have a strong inner need to gain a spiritual sense about the world around you. You have an inborn appreciation for nature and the wonders of the world around you. Fulfillment comes with being able to spend time in solitude and in seeking wisdom.

INNER DREAMS: 6 (I don't think this makes sense for me.)

You dream of guiding and fostering the perfect family in the perfect home. You crave the devotion from offspring and a loving spouse. You picture yourself in the center of a successful domestic unit.

LIFE PATH NUMBER: 8

The Life Path 8 suggests that you entered this plane armed to lead, direct, organize and govern. You are very ambitious and goal-oriented. You will want to use your ambitions, your organizational ability, and your efficient approach to carve a satisfying niche for yourself. If you are a positive 8 you are endowed with tremendous potential for conceiving far-reaching schemes and ideas, and also possessing the tenacity and independence to follow them through to completion. In short, you were born to be an executive.

You know how to manage yourself and your environment. Your ability to judge the character and potential of the people around you is an asset used to your advantage. A large part of your success in life comes from how hard you work. This Life Path is the most prone to producing workaholics. But your ability to spot good people and engage them in your endeavors is a special trait not to be overlooked. There is an inspirational quality in your makeup which allows you to become a great leader. You are practical and steady in your pursuit of major objectives, and you have the courage of your convictions when it comes to taking the necessary chances to get ahead.

With the Life Path of the number 8 you are focused on learning the satisfactions to be found in the material world. The Life Path 8 produces many powerful, confident and materially successful people. Most of your concerns involve money and learning of the power that comes with its proper manipulation.

This Life Path is perhaps the one that is the most concerned with and desirous of status as an ultimate measure of success. You want to be recognized for your hard work and achievements. The attainment of honors and acceptance into the club of executive leadership is all important. For this, you may find yourself very well suited to compete in the business world or in the political arena.

In relationships, you are frank, honest, and steadfast. You may be very much in love, but watch that you are not too busy and preoccupied to show it. Being the lavish provider is not always an adequate substitute for showing your devotion and affection in more personal ways. You have a great need for close personal relationships to mitigate and somehow soften your nature. You must find the time for love and keep it as an important project in your life.

The negative 8 can be dictatorial and often suppresses the enthusiasm and efforts of fellow member of the environment. Often, the strength of their own personality excludes close feelings for other people with whom they come in contact. Material gains and rewards often become issues of utmost importance, even to the neglect of family, home and peace of mind. Dedication to success can become an obsession. Emotional feelings are often suppressed by the negative 8, resulting in isolation and loneliness. All Life Path 8 people must avoid discounting the opinions of others.

GoodBelly

I decided to try GoodBelly probiotic drinks a few days ago. I think I've used it for four days now. So far, my stomach has been super noisy and I've been bloated as fuck, but other than that, no problems. I'm pretty positive all of that is just because my intestinal flora is changing and everything, which is normal when starting a probiotic, even if you already take other strains. I think that's what turn so many people off of them, but with most things that detoxify the body, you have to go through a little bit of bad to get to the good. Olive leaf certainly made me feel like shit the first time I took it, but after that, I've never had a problem. Anyway, for the first three days I drank the juice (blueberry acai or something like that) and today I took one of the plain Straightshots. That one was kind of unpleasant, taste-wise, but it packs a punch. I prefer Lifeways shots, definitely, since the dairy in kefir doesn't bother me anyway.

I'm going to stick with this stuff for at least the 12 days they recommend. After that, I'll evaluate everything. I definitely understand that it's normal to have side effects at first, so I'm not going to write it off as a failure yet. If my stomach is still loud and annoying after two weeks, though, I'll have to stop using it daily, because it's getting on my nerves already.

Just thought I'd check in and mention the product and my experience with it so far. It's vegan, just a couple bucks a carton, and really good, so you should give it a try if you can. GoodBelly also has a 12 day challenge you can sign up for on their site where they'll send you coupons, and if you don't like the product after 12 days, they'll refund your purchase. Not a bad deal.

SXR

Kill me.

Tonight is one of those nights. Emo music will be on constant rotation and I'll be ingesting some herbal stress-relievers in a minute. (No, not pot.)

It sucks when the people who used to make you happy become the people who make you want to rip your hair out and then bash your head into the wall. I haven't felt this angsty in a while.

I don't know what to do anymore.

SXR

Tubes, Pills, Hunger

I went to the student health center for the first time today. It was a pretty positive experience, especially because I've lost some weight and my blood pressure has seriously improved. However, as usual, my complaint came up irrelevant again, because despite the pain I've had in my ears for the past few days, they're not infected and everything seems fine, aside from red sinuses and blocked eustachian tubes. Sudafed was only $1.95 for 24 at the school pharmacy, which is wonderful, and I'm supposed to take 90 mg and a Mucinex tablet every day until my head clears up. Apparently I have a cold. Weird.

On that note, I think olive leaf really has helped me. I'm still getting half-sick, but it's better than being totally sick. I decided to double my dosage tonight, which my empty stomach isn't entirely pleased with. I'd have taken even more if I hadn't known it'd make me feel like shit. You know something's working when you actually get a die-off effect that goes away with regular use. I'm down to my last few capsules, sadly, and I can't afford to buy any more yet, so I'll have to figure something out there. I'd hate to get off-track with the one pill I actually take almost every single day, especially because it does make me feel better. Actually, I think it's what's bringing my blood pressure down, too, which is fantastic, because hypertension runs in the family and I lose weight at the speed of smell, if not slower.

For the past couple of nights, I've been getting extremely hungry. Lately, I just feel afraid to eat at night for some reason. I have no idea what my deal is right now. Hunger gets painful after a while, and it's not like I don't have access to food. I don't have access to much good food with any nutritional value, but I could at least go grab a handful of trail mix or something. Kefir ended up being the only thing that could satisfy me last night, but I've already had too much of that today, since I've been trying to cut back on sugar. Sometimes I really do wonder if I eat enough. It seems backwards to eat more in order to lose weight, but really, that's how it should be in most peoples' cases. I'm probably hurting myself much more than helping myself by eating less than 1000 calories a day, even if I do have a really low activity level. It takes me forever to lose weight, so there's always the possibility that my body's trying not to let go of the fat because it's not getting enough food. I'm trying to force myself into better eating habits, and eating something satisfying at night should be my next goal. I'm considering investing in protein shakes again because I know they'll fill me up long enough to get to sleep and give me some much-needed nutrients.

Here comes the ear pain, along with the growling stomach. It might be time to turn in.

SXR

Brushing up

I'm about halfway through the second week of the semester. So far, so good, for the most part. I got dropped from yoga, but I guess I'm being added back. I bought one book and I'm waiting on another, as well as the iClicker I need for my math class, which is already a struggle to keep attending. There's something about classes of 200 or so that just make me want to ditch. Other than that, everything's going well. Classes are easy, assignments are quick, painless, and there haven't been many. This might be a pretty good semester.

I finally got my bass out today and tried playing some stuff. In case I hadn't mentioned, I'm doing a Green Day set with Ryan Cod and Alan for a '90s cover show at Bel-Tower on October 29 (exactly a year after the last cover show). I think there will also be Pantera, Creed, and some other bands represented. I keep forgetting who's covering what. All I know is that I finally get to play some Green Day. I've got "Basket Case" down and I'm working on perfecting "Going to Pasalacqua". I have no idea what songs we all want to cover, but I figure I might as well learn my favorites and most of the hits if I can. I've got time. It's nice to finally play bass again. I'm pretty sure I'll need new strings before the show, and possibly a better tune-up, but for now, things are going pretty well.

SXR

Low

Today was okay, I suppose. I had an interview at Macy's, which went okay. I think I looked pretty nice, but I don't have real retail experience, so I automatically assume no one wants to hire me anyway. If the job market wasn't so terrible, I'd think maybe I could get hired just based on intelligence and my genuine desire to help people, but unfortunately, that's not really how it goes right now.

An hour or two ago, my back pain came back. The Icy Hot just wore off and I was too lazy to reapply it, so I guess I'll deal for tonight. I'm bloated, my eyes feel tired and sore from the makeup I had on earlier, I have a sinus headache, my allergies just started acting up... Needless to say, I don't feel great right now. Plus, I'm upset over the fact that nothing I try to do for FYBT Fest works out. The new bands I want to ask to play are all on tour or too far away, and apparently returning acts are no longer welcome, so... I guess I'm out. Everyone else can plan it. Fuck it. Not like I should have any sort of say when we're booking probably seven or eight out-of-town bands. God forbid I try to get just one I'd really like to see.

I should be asleep since I have to be up at 8. I'm tired, but I'm not at the same time. My eyes are way more tired than my mind, which is constantly coming up with new reasons to be pissed off, sad, or worried. I think there are some serious hormonal shifts going on up there heh.

Today I was thinking a lot about whether or not to start shaving regularly for yoga class. I still haven't made up my mind. The pants I'll wear most of the time cover everything but my ankles, but I don't know if I'm ready to be "that fat hairy chick." I know it's a stupid thing to worry about, but I can't help it. I've held off a lot on shaving lately for a few reasons: I finally got some nice tights, I've had cuts and bruises on my legs that have made it painful to shave, my skin is extra dry in the summer, and I've been trying to unlearn the idea that women shouldn't have body hair. Honestly, I'm not a fan of it, but as someone of Mediterranean descent, hair is just something I have to deal with. If I really wanted to shave or wax my whole body, it would take hours, and I'm just not willing to waste my time on stupid shit like that all the time. Every now and then, sure, but not every day. Some people just don't seem to be aware of how time-consuming shaving can be. It's also expensive, sometimes hard on the back, a pain in the ass when you're fat and have more surface to deal with, it dries out the skin, and when the hair starts growing back, it tends to itch. Plus, I have sensitive skin and tend to end up with searing cuts in my armpits and blood all over my legs, which usually doesn't stop for a couple of hours. It's not that I like being hairy; I just don't like taking time out of my day to inflict pain upon myself. I may shave my ankles in the morning. We'll see.

Now that you know more than you want to and eight o'clock is slowly creeping up, I should attempt to go to bed. I'm planning to check out Revive Cafe for the first time tomorrow (raw, organic, and vegan... in FRESNO!?), so I have that to look forward to after a long, boring day of school.

SXR

Icy Hot

My blood tests came back normal and the gastroenterologist said I don't need to see him anymore. I suppose that's good. What made the visit worth it (it was literally four or five minutes long) was that he said he'd start recommending olive leaf extract to his patients. As someone who loves helping people and sharing my knowledge of alternative medicine and shit, that was really nice. Normally, doctors tend to write herbal treatments off as bullshit because they don't get cuts from pharmaceutical companies for them, so it was cool to finally find one who was willing to look into one. I really do think olive leaf has helped me. My stomach hurts way less and I feel much better, for the most part. I'm currently in pain due to god knows what and my back is covered in Icy Hot, but other than that and some bloating and occasional cramps due to my period, I feel pretty good.

School wasn't too terrible today. I think I can handle being at school from 10 to 9:30-ish, but it will definitely require some coffee, strong tea, or mate. I barely made it through the day and I got home at 7. Obviously, I'm still up, but I've been tired all evening. Waking up is such a chore heh. I'm considering staying up tonight, depending on my pain. I really don't want to, but if the stabbing isn't gone when the Icy Hot wears off, I may go to the health center or urgent care tomorrow, just to get someone else's opinion. I have a sneaking suspicion I need to get checked for ovarian cysts or endometriosis, especially given the fact that I get worse every month, but I keep putting it off because I really don't want to deal with that right now heh. Too many doctors.

I've been looking into Buddhism a lot more lately. Maybe it's just the Kerouac. I've always been interested in Buddhism, though. I see it as a philosophy, not a religion, so don't go thinking I'm suddenly all about any gods heh. I'd just like to learn more about it and definitely focus more on my diet, my attitude, yoga, and meditation. I feel like it'll be good for me. The Four Noble Truths make a whole hell of a lot of sense to me. Buddhism is almost nihilistic in that the ultimate goal is nothingness. I love it. We'll see where it takes me.

SXR

Busy, busy, busy.

I guess I waited till the end of the summer to do anything. We made some serious improvements to the Bel-Tower, so much of my time this past week or so has been spent on that. We're not entirely finished yet, but we're at the point where everything else will be done whenever we find the time and money and shouldn't take too much work. I feel like it looks more like a venue and less like a party house, which I couldn't be happier about, but it still looks like a DIY space. I hate the idea that DIY or punk spaces have to look rundown and shabby. There are spaces all over the world that look like they've gotten lots of love and care, which is what I want for BT. I don't think it matters that the walls aren't covered in graffiti anymore. No matter what anyone thinks, we know how much time and work we've put into everything, and that's what matters. It only looks good because we took the time to make it look good.

I'm about to get even busier. At one this afternoon, I have to go to the doctor to finally discuss the results of my blood test (still kind of hoping for hypothyroidism just so I have some answers), then I've got to go to Fresno State to buy my parking permit and some books, then head over to Bel-Tower for the Black Fag show. It doesn't seem like I've got a whole lot to do, but add in all the driving time and everything and it seems like a full day.

Speaking of school, I had 10 units and couldn't find anything that fit my schedule, so I was going to just stick with that. However, it turns out that if I don't take 12 units, I lose my vision and dental insurance because I'm over 19. If my dad can't provide proof that I'm enrolled in college, he could lose his job, which would leave me, my sister, and my dad totally uninsured. So much for positive health care reform. I finally found a class tonight that I could work with: Advanced Fiction Writing Monday nights from 6 to 9:50. Believe me, I'm not pleased with the three hour gap I have now, or the fact that I'm stuck at school for twelve fucking hours on Mondays. I've now got 14 units lined up for the fall and I'm feeling pretty stressed about it. Yoga's no big deal, but I have no idea how much work to expect in my other classes, so I'm afraid I'll have to devote the next few months to sitting in front of the computer and trying not to drive myself crazy. Plus, I managed to get a job interview, and if I do manage to get the job, I'll officially have zero time to myself and probably be totally miserable. Good times.

I'm getting into another one of those moods where I just feel really conflicted about everything again. I'm conflicted about school, certain friends, what I want out of life, how I feel about certain things... Not that I feel like I should be sure about anything, because I think being too sure about anything at any age is dangerous, but it makes me a bit moody and insecure. I guess since I'll be so busy it shouldn't be a huge issue; I won't have time to think anyway.

I can't decide if I'm lonely or just bored.

SXR

Rant

Today's been one hell of a day. I'll spare you the details of my hormones and PMS shit, but I have a lot I want to say and I'm not sure how to say it, so what follows is a disjointed rant. I'm writing by candlelight, just for dramatic effect.

Things at Bel-Tower have been far from smooth internally lately. I don't think it's really a secret that most of us struggle against the rest of us on a number of issues, number one being the alcohol policy. However, we've come to agreements and done our best to stick to those (I speak for most of us on that, anyways). Nevertheless, certain people just don't seem happy with the way things are going despite the fact that we're one of our financial peaks and we haven't really had a visit from the police in months. Some people just aren't happy with anything we do, despite the fact that we (in theory) operate based on majority rule. Because of that, I have a few things to say.

• WE ARE A COLLECTIVE. We agreed on that from the very fucking start and agreed to vote on everything. We haven't had a formal vote in months, but we always discuss things at shows and via Facebook message before we make any changes. ALWAYS. End of story. If most of us are cool with it, we do it. I want us to be MORE of a collective, to be a TRUE collective. That being said:
• FUCK HIERARCHY. No one is "in charge" of The Bel-Tower except THE STAFF as a WHOLE. Not one single person should have any more power than anyone else. THAT IS WHAT A COLLECTIVE IS. We work collectively to accomplish common goals. END OF FUCKING STORY. I'm sick of people trying to come in and set up a fucking patriarchal hierarchy and creating a stupid fucking power struggle that keeps all of us from accomplishing anything or feeling comfortable. And then:
• FUCK EXCLUSION. No one, staff or resident, has the right to keep anyone out of the space at any time for any reason unless we all agree on it. We all have the same keys and the same fucking rights.

As you might be able to tell, I'm steamed. Clearly, things are not the way any of us wanted them to be. It's disillusioning, especially because I was one of the fucking founders, and I've put a ton of time and money into the space. Nevertheless, I don't give a fuck what anyone tries to tell me. "Give up on zine libraries, workshops, the punks, yadda yadda yadda." FUCK NO. I refuse to give up on my beliefs, my desires, and my FRIENDS because someone thinks they're older and "more punk" and they think they can dictate the way I live my life or tell me I'm stupid or wrong. You can fucking drop out of the scene any time you want, give up on feminism, DIY, punk, your friends, and anything else, but I won't. Not now, hopefully not ever.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I don't think I've ever used caps lock this much.

There's still so much more to say, but I can't find a way to really voice it. Fuck it.

SXR

Also:

I would like to say that I've been buying a lot more dresses lately (partly because it's hot as fuck, partly because I have good tights for the first time since I was little so I don't have to worry about shaving every day, and partly because I'm finally starting to feel comfortable without being covered up). I would also like to add (and for those who know me very, very well, this is big): tonight, I'm going to bed in nothing but a camisole and underwear. For me, that's the equivalent of sleeping naked. I'm kind of proud of myself.

Just thought I'd share.

SXR

One step forward, two steps back

I feel weird because I haven't written a long, rant-y blog in a while. I guess I got semi-productive for a while, what with my 24 hour zine, my terrible zine workshop, the whole week of shows. I also finally bought some books (a Kerouac collection including On the Road, The Dharma Bums, The Subterraneans, Tristessa, and Lonesome Traveler and a collection of Bukowski's uncollected stories and essays), since we were at Borders and fiction was all 10% off. I'm making a serious effort to finally get into some modern American writers now that I don't feel so appalled by anything post-Victorian. I think I'll find my best connection with authors of the Beat generation; I'm a big fan of Sartre, who was definitely a prominent influence on the Beats, and given my usual desire for travel and interest in the "underground" (drugs, sex, booze, and all), I think I'll find my place there. Go figure, what with my being a working class white college student. Call me a hipster if you must; I'm not out paying thousands of bucks for a fancy loft in an area where low-income people of color are losing their homes just so I can say I understand their plight. I'm almost done with On the Road now and I've quite enjoyed it. I'm glad I'm over my fixation with everything Wildean and distaste for anything else heh.

My first visit to the gastroenterologist went just fine. I didn't see the actual doctor. I guess the man I saw was an assistant doctor or something? In any case, he was a very chill bigger Russian man and actually took an interest in the herbal supplements I brought with me, which I've never experienced before. I legitimately think olive leaf extract is working for me, although I definitely still have the occasional pain and everything. I think a lot of that has to do with hormones, since my complaints seem to follow my cycle. I regret waiting till last month to start really keeping track of that. I'm having blood work done tomorrow, which I've wanted for months, and I'm legitimately hoping it turns out that I have hypothyroidism; I have almost every symptom I've seen online and things would finally make sense. Plus, it could be corrected with medication or surgery and I could hopefully go back to normal. I haven't felt normal since 2008 or so, so that would be remarkable. With my luck, everything will be totally normal, but I've got my fingers crossed. I know it seems weird to hope for something wrong, but I'd just really like to know why I always feel like shit heh. If I had something solid to blame it on, I'd feel a lot better. Plus, if my thyroid is underactive and I get it corrected, there's the possibility that my hair and skin will be healthier, my stomach will feel better, and I'll lose weight and be more awake. That would be fucking perfect.

All in all though, for the last week or two, I've felt so much better, aside from yesterday and part of today. Again, though, my hormones are changing, so I think that's what's to blame. I generally always expect to feel like shit for about two weeks before my period.

My 24 hour zine ended up being a Jawbreaker-inspired half-art zine and half-perzine. It's not perfect, but it's probably the nicest thing I've done. I'm fairly impressed with myself heh. Maybe I'll put up some scans soon.

SXR

Up all night

I keep staying up all night but not doing my 24 hour zine. July is almost over, so I'm really running out of time. It's a shame it's so hard for me to actually get things done while I'm awake, for various reasons. I'll have to get around to it this week or risk looking like a total failure.

I feel like a total loser creep lately. I won't even begin to get into that, though. Just putting it out there.

I really have very little to say tonight. I just can't sleep at the moment because I'm feeling slightly anxious and possibly getting some random indigestion. I am quite tired, though, so hopefully it'll all pass so I can go to sleep and maybe get some shit done during the day.

SXR

Aches and pains

While my stomach has been slightly better overall, the past few days have been filled with pain in one particular spot and I have no idea why. I keep getting stabbing pains, but I'm not sure whether or not I should really worry. My temperature's fine, I'm not turning yellow, and I can eat, so I have to assume that I'm alright. I would go to the doctor, but based on my last visit, I think he'd basically reiterate what I just said. So, if I really decide to worry tomorrow afternoon, I may stop by urgent care while I'm in Fresno. I haven't been in a while, so they probably miss me.

My anxiety has also been a little better, until the pain started. At least I'm anxious for a reason now, or at least one I'm aware of: I don't want to get sick and die heh. I really prefer this really terrible anxiety regarding my health to the annoying random anxiety I normally get. This comes with more symptoms, but at least it makes sense.

I'm starting to write again. It's coming along a bit more slowly than it used to, but at least I'm not totally blocked up for now. I actually really miss writing papers, which astounds me, but I guess I've always been a fan of analyzing things and writing things with a set purpose. My fiction is almost always plotless because I have serious issues with being concise, so the only way I can ever write anything with a purpose is if it involves some sort of singular topic and research. Part of the whole paper thing probably has to do with the fact that I've been finding myself missing school, which is a little depressing given the fact that college means very little to me these days and I generally don't like being there when I have to. I've just been bored and lonely. All my friends live out of town or have other things to do, so I sit at home and do nothing all day. Simple but lame.

I have very little to say tonight. Lack of sleep and adequate nutrition is definitely catching up to me. Last night, I kept seeing things, and today, I've felt kind of out of it. Hopefully it'll all clear up tomorrow.

SXR

Super period from hell (a.k.a. TMI)

I missed my alarm this morning because my phone decided to shut itself off last night, so I woke up sometime between 2:15 and 2:30 (I can't remember) to terrible cramps. These continued literally all day and just subsided probably an hour or two ago and it's after 4 AM. Naproxen didn't seem to work for once and neither did whichever "menstrual relief" pill I'm taking the generic version of. Water didn't help, green tea with mint didn't do shit... I felt helpless all day heh. The cramps were the kind that literally made me tense up until they passed, too. Those are the worst. Sometime around 2 AM, I also started getting nauseous and bloated, and I'm still trying to get over that. I know for a fact that there are an intense amount of prostaglandins fucking with my insides right now, hence the nausea and everything else, and I'm pretty sure naproxin or something would help, but I don't feel like taking it on an empty stomach and I definitely don't feel like eating. I just can't win. I feel like my period gets worse every month, so it's only a matter of time before I give up and do something drastic like render myself infertile heh. I think I'd be pretty okay with that, really, but what do I know?

It amuses me how freaked out people (both men and women) get when women openly discuss their periods and all the shitty symptoms. Come on, we all know what goes on, and most of us women have to deal with the same shit every month; why can't we talk about it? I'm getting to the point where I don't give a shit. I'll talk about almost anything at this point because I've embraced the fact that almost everyone has dealt with it or will deal with it at some point in time, no matter what it is. The world is kind of nice that way; it's like an instant support group, or it would be if we weren't all taught to keep so many things quiet, as if there's something wrong with having a period, questioning sexuality, and a whole slough of other things. It's nice to be an open book in that it gives me a lot in common with a lot of people. People approach me for all kinds of different things because they know I'll understand; I'm pretty up-front about a lot of the things I experience so they don't feel weird asking most of the time. I think it's something that also scares a lot of people off, sadly, but I understand how uncomfortable it can be to face something that's out of your comfort zone, especially if it's something taboo; trust me, I had to cross that bridge, too. I haven't always been comfortable with discussing bodily functions or anything like that; it's something I still have to work on, really.

I hope, though, that if people hear me and others talk about our own taboo problems enough (digestive disorders, periods, body hair, sexuality, et cetera), they'll eventually feel like they can do the same. I'm not saying it needs to be shoved in peoples' faces, but maybe in a way, it does, at least until we don't have to feel ashamed for wanting to have sex with the same gender, not wanting to have sex at all, having gas, having "too much" body hair. It's all normal and we all know it; we just can't all openly discuss it.

I really wish everyone would wake up and get out of the house so I could have it to myself and continue to attempt to herbally self-medicate until I felt better.

SXR

Cold nights and rising gas prices

Today has really been a mixed bag heh. I had a pretty decent day, but the night has been very up and down. I intended to go to yoga today, but, as usual, it didn't work out, this time because we (Jon and I) ran into Tyler and a friend of his in Tower and got caught up in conversation and then went to buy my sister a late birthday gift. I ended up getting her a really cool Evil Eye thing, which she loves, so I'm glad I finally got that done. After we did that, we went to Trader Joe's to buy some cheap shit to make dinner with, then to Smart and Final to buy more It's-Its (because how could we live without those at the Bel-Tower?). The turnout at tonight's show was pretty bad, but the touring band booked the whole tour themselves, which was cool, and that made it understandable. If they hadn't had two rooms full of equipment, I'd have given them some cred for booking the tour, but eh. Maybe I'm a snob, but to me, tons and tons of expensive equipment (including a full light show) doesn't generally count as DIY. The night was pretty cool, aside from a brief period of some unsavory business. I was pretty happy until I went to the gas station to spend my last $5 on gas and had to wait 20 minutes to get gas at all. It didn't help that it was freezing out tonight. Normally, I'd be stoked for that, but I'm PMSing, I was annoyed, it was windy, et cetera.

I'm still not sure how to feel about a few things, but I'm getting a little better, anxiety-wise. Maybe it's just because I was with friends today. Socializing always helps heh. I definitely need to find a way to make it happen more often. It's just hard when all of my friends are busy with jobs and shit, broke, or too far away. I feel like I'm kind of stuck in life, but I guess it's easier this way, at least financially. I'm not truly happy, but I doubt I ever will be, seeing as that's how life goes.

I think I just realized that I'm an emotional voyeur. I know no one really reads this, and I use it almost exlcusively like a private journal, but I like having it where everyone in the world can see it. If I've got a problem, I have no problem with talking about it to just about anyone, if they ask. I probably get annoying, but I find my openness a little refreshing, seeing as so many people I know tend to keep everything a secret, as if it really matters heh. I guess I just don't see a problem with being an open book.

I also don't know what I'm talking about.

SXR

Tired

I was going to go for a walk, but I decided against it since I knew everyone would want to join me. I'd rather walk alone for a while; it gives me time to zone out. So, here I am, writing yet another totally pointless blog.

I felt so much better today than I have in days. I kind of feel like shit now that I've had a Moon Pie even though I was trying to limit my sugar as much as possible today, but I still feel a bit better than I have in a while. It probably helped that we had lunch at Sweet Tomatoes, which I love to fucking death. It's hard to beat soup, salad, bread, and muffins. I really have become a salad person in the last few years. I won't eat iceberg lettuce unless I have to, but give me some red leaf lettuce, some spinach, some field greens, and a ton of delicious vegetables and I'm totally set. As a matter of fact, I could go for another salad now. Fuck my doctor's suggestion to lay off of vegetables; I'm a vegetarian and a salad-fiend, so I'll eat all the raw vegetables I want.

Sitting at home is really getting old. If the weather stays decent, I'll spend much more time walking, but it is July, so that can only last for so long. I need to either get really crafty, somehow land a job, or find a friend who will come to me or meet me halfway or something. Maybe I can start a new story that I'll never finish, or maybe even something that I might be able to finish and submit for publication. For someone who wants to make a career of writing, I'm not doing much with it. It doesn't help that it's extremely hard to get started, but I feel like I'm not even trying. I've submitted one short story to two publications; not very impressive. Maybe that can be my summer goal: finish a short story, edit the shit out of it until it's semi-good, and submit it to a few publications.

I'm still dying for a trip to somewhere cooler and more scenic. I'd love to go spend some time alone in the mountains, but I'd also be totally content with a few days in the East Bay, especially because I never get the chance to really explore when I'm there. There are so many places I've been meaning to check out, but I always run out of time. Next time I have the money, I'm going. Fuck responsibility heh; I need to have some fun.

I think I'm actually really looking forward to school. I'm sick of sitting around and feeling like I have no purpose or reason to wake up. Plus, my schedule's really not bad. I've got classes Monday, Wednesday, and a short day on Friday, which should be kind of nice.


That's all for now, I suppose. I may be back.

SXR

4 Miles

I went to the doctor this morning. As I thought, nothing conclusive, but he wants me to do a certain dreaded test to rule out things like cancer and the myriad of other digestive disorders and diseases. We'll see how that goes. I'm still trying to figure out what makes my stomach worse and what makes it better. Today, I think I've concluded that sugar really does mess me up and I need to start cutting down. Kefir is okay, but the super-rich cake we had for Tami's birthday made me feel a bit sick heh. Overall, I feel better tonight than I did this morning.

After my appointment, I went for a four mile walk since it was still relatively cool out. I listened to Green Day the entire time and just kind of zoned out, as usual. I'm hoping that it'll cool down so I can take long walks more often, or that I can force myself to start waking up so I can take them. If I could walk four miles a day, I could definitely drop a few pounds heh. Speaking of which, I'm down ten pounds from when I had strep throat. I think that was a few months ago, but either way, any weight loss is good weight loss. If I could lose another 15, I'd be down to 200, which I can live with for now.

I got my pictures back from Walgreens. The double exposures worked, but my fingers got in the way every time, unfortunately. Oh, well. This was an experiment, so next time I find a super cheap disposable camera, I'll try to figure out a way to trigger the flash without curling my fingers up over the lens heh. Maybe I'll try to smack the camera on my knee or the back of my hand or something. Here are a few of my favorites.

Self-portrait with some double-exposure and no fingers.

Favorite. Incense burner, souvenir keychain, digital download card for Unfun, juice bottle, fingers.

Definitely another favorite for no good reason.

Blogger's giving me issues with pictures, so that's all. I may post more to flickr, and they're all on my Facebook and Google+ profiles.

SXR

More plans

I've got really bad aerophagia, which is a condition in which one swallows air in order to belch in hopes of relieving indigestion, heartburn, gas, pain, pressure, and all kinds of other shit. I've had this problem for a couple years and I still haven't really made a conscious effort to change it. There's no medication for it as far as I'm aware, so it requires something like cognitive behavioral therapy, and while I'm pretty decent at that, sometimes it's way too hard not to give in and just swallow a bit of air heh. I'm trying to get myself to stop doing that now because I'm sick of belching and feeling bloated all the time heh.

I'm also planning to go to the doctor soon, finally. I haven't had a physical in years and I'm probably due for some blood work, so I need to get that done. In addition to that, I'm planning to add some more herbs and supplements to my diet and try to see what works. I'd also like to do an elimination diet and focus on wheat products first. I want to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me heh.

Tonight's blog is short and not as angsty as usual. Damn.

SXR

Cure-Alls

I'm now on the oh-so exclusive Google+. So far, it's definitely not bad. It's simple, ad-free, easy-to-use, and full of tutorials and explanations. I definitely like that I can choose who sees what, which is incredibly difficult to do on Facebook. I don't have to delete or block someone in order to keep them from seeing something heh. Gossip will be fun! (Kidding. Gossip is reserved for real life and the occasional IM conversation.) I have high hopes for the site. I know it'll be a lot more fun once Jon and John aren't my only friends.

Today was a little better. Not without drama, but I made myself clear, I think. I'm not really one to back down when I set my mind on something, so I think that in a week or so, I'll have an easier time of these changes. (Maybe not, considering I'll probably be menstrual, but after that, I should be good.)

I think that for me, there are two things that can cure just about any shitty feelings I might have: yoga and Green Day. Jawbreaker helps, too, of course, but that's best for anger and general angst while Green Day can address just about anything I'm feeling. Longing for love? Having an internal crisis? Feeling alone and all-around fucked up? Green Day's got a song for it. I feel like if you don't at least sort of enjoy Green Day, you can't be human or you've just never paid adequate attention to their music. A lot of people (da punx, especially) like to write them off as "faggy pop-punk sell-outs" or something, but I think that's bullshit. To each their own, of course, but... Eh, if I go on, I'll go on forever.

I'm really getting into the habit of blogging more frequently. I kind of like that. Even though I'm just venting and no one's really reading, it feels good to write my thoughts down publicly. Writing is writing, as far as I'm concerned, and every little bit helps me improve in some small way. I'm probably too good at bitching about stupid things, but eh, it's still practice. It has to count for something.

Sitting at home doing nothing is getting really old. I need a vacation ASAP. My mind is incredibly set on a week or two alone or mostly-alone in the mountains or somewhere woodsy. I think I need time away from people, buildings, technology, and the stress that comes with living in today's world and some quality time with myself and nature. I'm no hippie, but I think we'd all be a lot better off if we stopped focusing so much on chemicals, technology, money, and possessions and just took more time to focus on ourselves (inside and out) and the earth. I think the reason long walks are so calming is because they allow us to zone out and be alone for a while, which tends to help us (or me, at least) pick up on things in our surroundings that we've never really noticed before. It's nice.

Before I sink back into negativity, it's probably time to attempt to get to sleep. I've been tired for hours, probably because I haven't slept well in days, but if I start thinking too much, I'll be up all night. Clearing my mind and repeating positive things to myself is getting a little easier now. I just have to keep telling myself "you're the most important thing in your life." I think I forget that.

SXR

Decisions

Last night, I made a difficult decision to temporarily (hopefully) remove myself from a friendship that's been really fucking me up mentally for a long time. I'm totally used to those, but I figure it's time to draw the line. I've never been one to pretend to think or feel a certain way just because I feel obliged, or because it's "the norm"; I prefer to be honest and just suffer the consequences, especially these days. I feel like this friend is making some very serious mistakes and have done my best to make them understand that I'm not being a bitch, that I'm concerned and want what's best for them, but I think it's best for both of us if I just step out. They have decisions to make and I'll do nothing but nag about the way I see things, and I'd rather not to that right now, for both of our sakes. I'll reevaluate myself and their own feelings when I don't feel like my life is one big panic attack, and if things work themselves out, good; if not, I'm about ready to move on. Needless to say, it's gonna be on my mind for a long time, and it isn't easy, but I'm working through it. I feel guilty, depressed, worried, torn, and a million other things, but I'm trying not to let that get in the way of my "mental recovery", as it were.

In other news, the DVD for my upcoming workshop and movie night came in. I'm going to check it out sometime very soon and possibly report back on it. I have high hopes, especially given the soundtrack (which includes J Church, who I adore).

In other other news, I feel pretty much friendless. I've got the Bel-Tower crew, of course, but I often feel alienated from them (for some reason), and I can't always be in Fresno, unfortunately. Everyone's in Fresno now, and if not Fresno, the Bay Area. I'd kill to be up there more often, especially because some of my favorite and most missed people are up there, but I can't afford it, which is definitely depressing. Although gas is cheaper than it was not long ago, I can't really afford more than two or three trips to Fresno a week, so if I went up there, I'd be fucked for a week. It might be worth it, really, but it's hard to come up with enough money to get up there at once. I desperately need a job of some sort.

I really do feel like shit lately, but I actually feel kind of hopeful about myself (not so much other people). I think I need to take time to focus on myself and really make an effort to improve my mental well-being, which will eventually improve my physical well-being, I think. My stomach's been better lately, which is good. I'm not sure if it's the yoga I've been doing, the herbs I've been taking, or just the fact that I've been making an effort to really change things for myself. If it means leaving some people behind for a while, so be it; I need to put myself first for once.

SXR

"Friends"

I'm almost totally convinced there's no such thing as a real friend in the traditional sense of the word. Yes, I realize that means I'm also not a true friend, but that's probably the case, despite the fact that I've gone to great lengths for some friends, spent too much money on others, and made myself available to some people at all times. Everyone I've ever been close to (aside from maybe one person, good old Jenny from elementary school) has suddenly changed on me (of course, all at different times). Every best friend I've ever had has eventually distanced his or herself for no apparent reason, made his or herself scarce for probably a year or so, then come back around as one of those "we used to be friends, but now we're more like acquaintances" deals. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I'd love to be one of those people who's got at least one best friend left hanging around. I'm sure I've changed, too, but I know for a fact I've never been the one to ditch the friendship for a boyfriend, school, work, God, or drugs. Of course, school and work are very important things, and so are some relationships, but I feel like people forget things exist outside of those things. I'm still here (I think).

Shouldn't there be some sort of balance? Maybe I just don't know what it's like because I've never had a boyfriend or a job, I've never done drugs or believed in God, and I don't spend as much time as I should on school, but I think I do a decent job of managing friendships, shows, school, and my various projects. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but no one's ever mentioned it to me yet. Then again, maybe they haven't noticed because they're busy with better people and things.

I've finally reached a point in my life where I just don't give a fuck anymore. It took almost twenty years, but I'm sick of being walked on. I'm sick of being used and putting more into something than anyone else will. I'm sick of holding onto relationships that are doing nothing but hurting me. (I think this is becoming a duplicate of my last blog, but I need to rant about this shit lately.)

I give up. I finally give up.

SXR

Eh.

Today was okay. I got out of the house late, so I missed yoga, unfortunately, but I suppose I can just do my bed-yoga, as usual. It's better than nothing, but it's not as good as yoga done on a flat, hard surface under the direction of someone who knows what they're doing. DIY, I guess.

Today, I've eaten nothing but a sourdough English muffin with a little honey and butter, a cup of strawberry yogurt, a few bites of salad, and a few handfuls of trail mix. I don't know whether to be proud of myself or concerned about my daily nutrients. I sometimes wonder if the reason I tend to be so worn out is because I don't get enough calories, protein, or vitamins and minerals on a daily basis. I'm sure most people would insist I get plenty of calories (because, you know, fat people always eat junk food and lots of it), but I average somewhere between 600 and 1200 calories a day unless I've eaten fast food. It's not exactly a healthy number, but society has trained me to be low-calorie heh. I know calories aren't the only factor in weight gain, but it's hard to remember that sometimes. I'm not all about losing weight, but I wouldn't mind dropping a couple dozen pounds.

I think I'm done with a few people. Of course, I'll continue to be civil because that's what I do, and I'll hang out if I'm invited, but I'm done making the effort to contact them. If other things are so important that our friendship comes last, that's fine. I think I've finally learned to let go. It feels nice after probably over a decade of just holding on to shitty friends who wear me out and bring me down. I'd rather be alone, even though it gets old. I'm tired of people changing to the point that I feel like I hardly even know them anymore. I know people change and I understand that, but I shouldn't feel obligated to stick around for those changes if they make me uncomfortable or upset. I stick with people who stick with me, not people who only want me around when it's convenient. Fuck that. I'm tired of being used like that and I'm not going to do it any more. I doubt any of the people I'm referring to have ever read my blog, and I kind of doubt they ever will (and I don't blame them), but I hope they'll get the hint. I doubt they'll even notice, but that kind of only proves my point. Whatever. Long story short, I'm good at picking shitty friends.

Good night.

SXR

Wordpress and a 24 hour zine challenge

I've apparently had a Wordpress account just sitting around for ages, so I decided to start using it the other day. I was going to just post the same things on this blog and the Wordpress, but I decided I'd rather not. This blog will continue to be updated semi-frequently with boring, pointless rants, complaints, and fleeting bits of excitement while the other one will house decent bits of writing and such. If you're interested in that, you can find it at sxretton.wordpress.com. Wordpress is like a completely different world and I'm definitely still feeling my way around, but I'll get the hang of it.

I decided today to participate in the "24 Hour Zine Thing," which is a challenge that involves choosing any 24 hours in the month of July and devoting them to making a 24 page zine. The zine must be conceived, created, and assembled within the 24 hours of your choosing and then sent in to the distro that runs the challenge. Once they get it, you get a button and the chance to have your zine distro'd. Not a bad deal. I've never done anything longer than 14 pages, and my longest zine took probably 8 or 9 months to finish, but since it's summer, I'm bored, and I'm feeling creative lately, I think I'm up for the challenge. I'm going to spend my next few days gathering up some collage materials and such so I'll be ready to make my zine in a few days. The plan is to do the minimum of 24 pages, 1/2 size (as always), use color (at the very least for the cover), and use approximately 98% art instead of just scribbling jumbled prose all over it for once. We'll see about that. If you'd like more information on that, you can go to their site at 24hourzines.com.

Also, we're going to be working on a compilation tape for The Bel-Tower's first anniversary. The plan is to have one side of locals, one side of out-of-town bands who've come through. If anyone reading this has anything to offer, let me know.

SXR

Inspiration

I attempted to write a blog yesterday (or was it the day before?) about a number of things, but Blogger was down. Go figure; when I have nothing to say, it works like a charm, but when I actually have things to discuss, it's nowhere to be found. Oh, well. C'est la vie.

Tuesday was great. The turnout was small, but the bands were great, as were the people who stuck around. Now that we "suddenly don't allow alcohol" (we never did, people), it's easy to see who comes around for the shows and who only shows up to drink. It's a bit depressing, really, but again, that's life; a lot of people are into all the right things for all the wrong reasons. The scene goes through cycles and this is just one of those purging periods. The binge, which was fantastic, is over now.

The idiots in my neighborhood just busted out the illegal fireworks. Guess that means it's party time.

One of these days, I really am going to do a cleanse, and I really am going to eat better, exercise, yadda yadda. I'm tired of feeling like shit for one reason or another. I have been a little more creatively-inclined again lately, which is fantastic. I want to write, draw, paint, and take pictures all the time lately. Pretty soon, I'm going to go buy the cheapest disposable cameras I can find and start snapping pictures everywhere. Most of them won't come out, but that's half the fun of film; you never know what you'll end up with.

I was going to share a couple pictures I took on my phone when I went on a two-hour walk the other night, but I'm too lazy to transfer them to my laptop. In any case, it was a beautiful day and that was one of the best walks of my life. I hope the opportunity for another arises very soon.

SXR

Anxiety

I felt kind of weird all day after last night's numerous incidents. I don't know if they should really be called incidents, but it appears they really did screw me up. Somewhere between 6:30 and 8, I started feeling really anxious and it's only gotten worse. I suppose that explains why I felt so hot last night. I wasn't aware that I really was anxious, but given the upset stomach, fast heartbeat, and weird nervousness, it seems that I am heh. One piece of vegan chocolate cake later, I'm resorting to herbal relaxation tea. Valerian, rose, and lavender, don't fail me now. It would've been nice if Rachal had gotten online to talk like she'd said she would, but whatever. I've grown to expect her to not follow through.

I finished otherXcore #2 today. That's one less thing to worry about and one more thing to feel good about. I did it in less than a year this time! It's really not much of an accomplishment, and it's not as good as I'd like it to be, but finishing a zine is really quite a task, especially when you're doing it alone. I'll get better at it eventually. I've only put out a few.

I guess that's all for now. If I'm up in a few hours, I may return with even less to say.

SXR

My upcoming shows

Be there. I may get bored and feel the need to post an actual blog later. We shall see.

SXR

Fail

I started my day with a bowl of oatmeal and ended it with a veggie sandwich and fries from Five Guys. My stomach wasn't pleased and now I'm not sure whether I want to continue my cleanse for now. I think I'm going to wait until I can go to the doctor and have some blood work done and see if he thinks there are any underlying issues that can be treated. I do intend, though, to seriously change my diet as much as possible. That's really hard when your friends and family aren't doing the same, but I'm going to try and make it work. I'm going to attempt to cut out sugar as much as possible, for the sake of my gut (since sugar feeds bad bacteria), eat more greens and other vegetables, and cut out most carbs. So essentially, I'm going to attempt to live off of vegetables for a while. It's probably not going to happen, but I'm down to try.

I would just really like to feel better. Nothing really seems to work and it really upsets me. Do I really have to feel this way for the rest of my life? It gets bad enough that some days, I'd rather die or even just reach for a beer or a joint in order to escape the shittiness that has become my life. Miserable, no? I feel so bad that I just want to fuck up my body even more. Maybe I'd at least die a little faster and be a little less aware of it, which might be cool.

People like to bitch about how negative I am, but they don't have to live in my body. Trust me, folks, if you felt the way I do on a daily basis, you'd probably come off as pretty negative, too. I know it could be worse, but it isn't, and it still blows, so I'll complain all I want. If there's one thing that makes me happy, though, it's Jawbreaker. (As if you didn't know.)


"Everything's gonna be alright. Steady now, don't fall apart. Keep yourself upright."

SXR

Cleansing

Since I have four days off, for the most part, I finally decided to start my Whole Body Cleanse tonight. I cut the dosages a little, but if I'm feeling pretty good tomorrow, I'll take the recommended doses and see how that goes. I'm excited to maybe feel a little better and possibly drop a pound or two, even though I'll probably gain it back in a couple days. I'm using the $12 cleanse from Whole Foods, for those who might be curious. I'll try to document my experience with it from time to time, because before I bought it, when I looked it up, there were very few good accounts of what it was like to use this cleanse. No one said anything too bad, though, so I decided it wouldn't hurt to try it. I hope it goes well for me.

I went to an open interview at Urban Outfitters today. Jon and Sam were also in attendance. I'm pretty positive none of us will be hearing back from them, but at least we can say we tried. No one can say I've never tried to get a job.

On my way home, my knees started cramping. Seeing as I spent slightly less time on my feet today than usual, I'm hoping that's just hormones. My "time of the month" has been way too easy this time around, so I wouldn't be surprised. Maybe I just have shitty bones and joints. That's also a possibility.

Today was pretty nice. I think I also felt a little more comfortable in my own skin than I usually do, which was definitely a plus. If it wasn't so damn hot, life would be surprisingly pleasant at the moment.

SXR

Dying, Dying, Dying.

I. Feel. Like shit. It started last night. Stomach pain, mostly, but that's pretty normal for me. Then today, I woke up early to go with my mom to take Tami to the school; she left for Europe today. After that, my mother and I went to San Francisco, where the weather was fucking amazing, but I started feeling even worse. By the time we were leaving Gilroy, I felt terrible. It was at its worst when we got home, and I felt so miserable that I wanted to cry. So tomorrow, whether I like it or not, I'm going to the doctor.

Seriously, something has to be wrong with me. My daily health regimine goes something like this:

MORNING: 1 capsule of wild yam root, 1 capsule of peppermint leaf, 1 or 2 probiotics (7 or 14 billion CFUs respectively), two or three glasses of water, breakfast.

AFTERNOON: Lunch with 1 or 2 digestive enzymes, two or three glasses of water, one cup of peppermint tea.

NIGHT: Dinner, three or four glasses of water (usually one with the juice of half a lemon), 2 triphala capsules, 10-20 minutes of yoga.

You'd think with all of that my stomach would be a lot less fucked up, right? I'm doing everything every fucking health professional has ever published on the web and then some. I'm going above and beyond what the average American does for their health and I'm stuck feeling like shit. It's quite unfair.

I need that cleanse. ASAP.

SXR

Sketchy Friends

So, I have this friend. We've been pretty close for probably three or four years; I've lost track. Their stories have always changed a little from time to time, but now, the changes are drastic and they happen within days of each other. There's a very good chance they've been lying to me all throughout our friendship and that I've just had too much faith in them to acknowledge it. Not that I've ever really called them out on it, but I'm pretty sure they're aware that I'm not entirely stupid.

Lesson learned, though: trust nobody.

I have no close friends anymore, and I'm beginning to think it's better this way. I've got a couple people I can talk to and hang out with when I need to, and I trust them more than anyone right now. Beyond that, I've got a small network of friends and a huge web of ex-friends and acquaintances. I care too much about people who don't care that much about me.

But, on the bright side, I'm having better luck with writing again, I keep wanting to paint, and otherXcore #2 is coming along a lot more smoothly than issue #1 did.

SXR

Dream Interpretations and Morning (a.k.a. mid-day) Depression

I've cried more in the past 24 hours than I have in weeks. (Yes, weeks, not months or years.) Most of it was for virtually no reason, but then when have I ever needed a good reason to cry? This morning, after a dream in which I had a flat tire and couldn't get the air machine at the gas station to work (which supposedly signifies that I'm emotionally drained, I'm stuck in life, and I have no control), I woke up feeling incredibly depressed. I have yet to figure out why, but I guess it doesn't matter. I eventually cried, sort of got over it, and got my usual post-cry headache, which lasted all day.

I've been painting lately, and I'm surprised to find out that I actually have some talent with acrylics. If I can sell these paintings on etsy, I might be able to make a little money and go to the Bay or something. Lord knows I need it. I'm just not sure if I need to be alone or if I really need friends right now.

I've got a lot of shows coming up. By a lot I mean two or three. I can't recall. Whatever.

Still no friends. Still no money. Still no job, no boyfriend (which is the least of my concerns anyway), and still very little enthusiasm for most things.

Yep. Life as usual.

SXR

Tea time all the time.

I drink tea more than I eat food lately, I think. It's part of my never-ending quest for better health, or at least a slightly better quality of life. Peppermint is becoming my go-to tea, hot and unsweetened. Unsweetened teas of all kinds are really growing on me, which is good considering the fact that I really don't need any more sugar in my diet. If I can ever afford it, I'm going to order a bunch of loose-leaf teas and maybe even some herbs so I can make my own blends. I recently fell in love with Mountain Rose Herbs and would love to purchase or be given many of their products. Ahem.

I haven't been able to sleep at night lately. On top of that, today, I woke up an hour before my alarm was to go off with a sore throat and a stuffy nose. Life sucks sometimes. I'm currently exhausted, but I'd rather not go to bed so early that I'm up again by 6 AM and have nothing to do till late afternoon. Chances are, by the time I go to bed, I won't be able to sleep again.

I've been through probably twenty tissues today, maybe more. I need more tea.

SXR

Morrissey and other things

It's Morrissey's birthday today. I can't help but wonder how much longer he'll keep doing shows. I need to see him at least once more before he stops.

I still kind of feel like shit, but I feel much better today than I did last night and early this morning. You know how you can tell I feel okay? I folded and got a pair of harem pants. I know, I'm still shocked myself. They're quite cozy, though, and I might even wear them out in public someday. Because my ass is so huge, it doesn't look like I'm wearing some sort of saggy diaper, as I've seen on some women. It does make my thighs look huge, but that's sort of the effect the design is supposed to have, so I guess it's no big deal.

Why do I blog when I have almost nothing to say?

SXR

All-nighter

I didn't get home from the world's most intense night until after 3 in the morning. It's currently almost 6:30 and I have yet to sleep. I tried around 5, but things keep hindering me. I don't think people understand just how much my life sucks thanks to my digestive system. Granted, I hadn't eaten in about 14 hours, but the amount of grumbling my stomach started doing around 5:45 was absurd. Eating a banana seems to have helped, but I'm still belching like crazy, as always. The really sad thing is that even if I did see a doctor about everything, there'd probably be nothing they could do. Digestive diseases are probably the least-researched ailments there are, which is a shame, because they really fuck up your life. Having my gallbladder removed was both a blessing and a curse; now that it's gone, I don't get the nausea and indigestion, but I get all kinds of other shit.

Reasons why my digestive system is flaring up:
* Huge fight at The Bel-Tower
* Random bouts of depression, probably related to loneliness and self-esteem
* My car was dented and scratched in the scuffle
* I haven't been able to eat the way I should lately
* I still haven't had the opportunity to cleanse
* I'm out of probiotics and have to rely on kefir, which is amazing but also loaded with sugar
* I'm dying faster than most people my age

I really wish I was asleep right now. It's too early to do anything, including eat, which would probably help a lot right now. Fuck life.

SXR

Breakdowns and Fruit

I won't go into detail about the breakdown I've been having for the past couple of hours, or the fact that I'm having to really work to keep myself from punching things; I don't want to bitch because no one cares anyway. Instead, I'll just tell you about my fruit consumption.

Last night, I drank a glass of lemon water in the hope of detoxifying my body until I actually have time to do my whole body cleanse. I did the same thing this morning and might do it again tonight. I also had a lemon in the form of lemon garlic pasta with olive oil, mushroom, and Italian parsley. I would've enjoyed it more if I'd been in a better mood, but I think it turned out nicely.

I think I just found the perfect ratio of parts for a blueberry banana flax smoothie. Here's an approximate recipe.

1 medium banana
20 large blueberries (or probably 25-30 smaller ones)
About 1 tablespoon of milled flaxseed
About 3 tablespoons of plain kefir
4 cubes of ice

That made somewhere between 8 and 10 ounces, so it's like the perfect serving size and it tasted fucking amazing. Sometimes I end up with too much banana, too much kefir, too much flax... The flax and kefir is approximate because I tend to just kind of dump a bit of flax in and pour kefir in until it looks like enough. I'm trying to drink a smoothie every day, which hasn't happened, but I've done it almost every day. I always include flax (which is full of Omega-3 fatty acids, lignans, and fiber), plain kefir (which is loaded with probiotics, protein, vitamins, and amino acids), and some sort of fresh fruit. I also like to add chocolate soy or almond milk, depending on what I have and what fruits I'm using. It's my sad attempt at staying a little healthier than most people my age.

I think tomorrow will be good. Thank god, because today has blown royally and it's going to take a lot more pasta and smoothies to make me feel better.

SXR

Summer

Today is basically my last day of school till August, I believe, and I couldn't be happier. It's been nothing but a huge pain in the ass for probably the last month, and I only really have two classes.

Since the semester is over, I'm beyond excited to start my cleanse. I've felt like shit for a long time, so hopefully, it'll be exactly what I needed. Maybe I'll even lose a couple pounds, which would be fantastic. I think I'll start on Sunday so I'll have plenty of time to see how it'll affect me and get used to it.

For the most part, things have been pretty decent lately. Let's hope they stay that way.

SXR

Eh.

I've been getting depressed again, for some strange reason. I think it's a combination of loneliness, hormones, and anxiety.

I'm having issues with my body again. I know I'm fat, and I really don't think it helps when everyone lies to me and says "no, you're not," because that's a huge lie. Based on my BMI (that system is bullshit, but nevertheless), I'm beyond morbidly obese. While I don't believe in BMIs, I know for a fact that there's a problem here. Ideally, I'd love to lose about fifty pounds. That's a hell of a lot and it's never going to happen, especially since I've been at the same weight since I was about 12 or 13, but a girl can dream. I know I'll never be thin (my family is full of big-boned and stocky people, and that's not just us making excuses for being big), but I'd love to be able to buy clothes or be found attractive by someone other than my closest friends and family. It's all very depressing. For instance, I generally wear size 16 pants, or 36 or 38 in men's sizes, depending on the pants. The other day, I bought a pair of size 38 jeans and they were at least two inches from even buttoning. The store didn't even carry size 40, so I still have no pants and went home feeling really disgusted with myself. I can rarely even shop at Torrid because everything is either too big or too small.

I'm rambling. I came here to say something else, too, but I've forgotten what it was.

Fuck the world.

SXR

Strep throat part two?

It would seem that I'm getting sick again. The same itchy, sore throat is coming back and my mom pointed out that it could be my strep coming back. I would say I have a fever, but I got a slight sunburn today after my hour and a half walk between Fresno City and Tower, so I think that's where the heat is coming from.

Today's really been an emotional battle, for some weird reason. I'm PMSing, but still, I have to have something to spark those over-the-top emotions, right?

I just want to get my period out of the way, find out if I'm sick again, and get on with my life. Is that really so much to ask!?

SXR

Ups and Downs

As I type this, I'm struggling to stay awake thanks to a migraine, as well as the lavender oil on my temples and cup of hot tea I'm attempting to remedy it with. I think my head only hurts because my hair is dirty. (That's the number one reason I'll never be a crust punk. I guess the fact that I don't listen to the music is a big part of that, too, but half the crusties I've come into contact with don't, either.)
I noticed that I have yet to gush about kefir here, so I decided to do that tonight. I've been drinking kefir smoothies (Lifeway) for two weeks or more, at least a cup a day, and I've felt amazing! I can finally digest my food again and not feel like shit all the time! I really have noticed a change in my body since I've started drinking it, so I'm going to continue doing so. I'd like to start making my own so I can have fresh kefir smoothies every morning, but I have no idea where to get starter grains in the area, and I'm trying not to buy the powder starters, so if anyone knows of a good seller in Central California, let me know!
The Bel-Tower has been in our possession for six months now. Six months! It's hard to believe we've made it this far. It's been ridiculously difficult, but definitely equally fulfilling. We've had our fair share of issues with people (such as the infamous pity party incident on April 1), but so many people have shown us love and support that it almost brings a sappy little tear to my eye. As long as people keep that love and support up, I know we can keep the collective up and running. There are so many things I still want to do with it.
My last batch of vegan donuts was great. I tried some new icing flavors (lemon and orange vanilla) which came out great. I'm hoping to make donuts more often; people like them, they're not hard to make, and I need money! I give major props to Jan of Stay Sweet Cupcakes; the amount of baking she does sometimes is insane, and even if I try to do this more often, even regularly, I don't think I could ever manage to do the amount of work she does. What's nice about donuts is that they require no decorating skills; that makes them perfect for me.
I finished a painting today. I want to hang it at The Bel-Tower, but I'm slightly afraid it'll be stolen. Haley's have never been stolen, but all three of mine disappeared and they sucked. Maybe someone has shitty taste in art and bad manners?
SXR

Intensity

I'm getting really bad about staying up too late, but it's always been one of my most productive, creative times of the day. Plus, I've always had kind of a hard time sleeping at night.

Tonight was too intense. I'm not entirely sure what people see in Handlebarz, but to each their own. What irked me the most was that they made a humongous fucking mess, just as we all expected, and kind of watched us clean it. It took several of us probably twenty minutes or more to clean up. My back's going to be sore tomorrow from stooping over with the damn broom for all that time.

I almost wrote a poem tonight. I started it, then got interrupted, but it's all good. It probably would have sucked. I hate most of my writing, but I guess I'm not the best critic, given my bias. Remember when I thought I was Poe or some shit? Ah, to be young, stupid, and have a ton of unnecessary self-esteem again.

Why am I blogging at almost three in the morning? I have no idea. I have nothing to say, as usual. I'm just wasting time, mine and yours. I need to get out of here for a while.

SXR

Updates

• I finished my antibiotics last night! I'm excited to build my probiotics back up.
• I haven't worn deodorant/antiperspirant in three days (I think) and I haven't gotten sweaty or smelly. Maybe it's time to stop using antiperspirant altogether (seeing as stopping the body from sweating is actually a bad thing in the first place) and just keep deodorant on hand for really hot days or days when I'm going to be really active (hah yeah, right).
• I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I made vegan donuts the other day. My first maple glaze sucked, but the second one was fucking amazing. I think I'll start making them more often and start experimenting with flavors.

My blogs get more and more pointless.

SXR

Drugs

Thanks to the medicine I took last night, I overslept today and missed Women's Studies. I'd been afraid of that and wasn't surprised at all. It's better to oversleep when you're sick than not sleep at all, as far as I'm concerned. Because I needed a doctor's note to excuse my absence (and because I was tired of coughing), I decided to go to urgent care. Turns out I have an upper respiratory infection and strep throat, despite the fact that my throat hasn't hurt at all. Strange. I was sent home with a prescription for a z-pack (a very strong antibiotic), promethazine DM, and an inhaler, I was given a breathing treatment, and I was told to buy a sinus rinse. I'm apparently pretty intensely ill and have some serious sinus and airway issues.

So, the abundance of good gut flora I've so lovingly maintained is currently being slaughtered by a drug that may or may not make me ill for a few days. I'm continuing to take even more probiotics just to maintain my immune system and combat some of the side effects, just in case, but it hurts to know I'm putting wonderful bacteria in there only to kill it off. Oh, well. In four more days, I can get to work on building it up again. I believe I've read it takes at least a month, probably more, to do that. I think it might be a good time to invest in a super strong probiotic, just for funzies.

I refuse to take a full dose of cough syrup, so I won't be passing out anytime soon, but I might as well try to sleep. I have a long, shitty day ahead of me.

SXR

Sicksicksick

I've had a dry cough for about nine days now. Today was the worst so far, thanks to the bad air quality in Fresno; I had a really bad allergy attack on top of my mystery illness. I didn't sleep last night and chances are, I won't get much sleep tonight, although I did take a benadryl and about half a teaspoon of prescription-strength cough syrup. Cough syrup is one of those things I'll only take if I'm desperate and I know I'm pissing my family off, and I got to that point for the first time in probably years tonight. I hate taking medication of any kind, but I'll take what I need, and it's always the minimum. I didn't take a single pain killer when I got out of the hospital after having my gallbladder removed and only allowed them to give me half a dose of it when I was there. I truly dislike taking anything that'll fuck with me, cough syrup included.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. Is it because I'm awake with nothing better to do? Is it because the drowsiness is setting in and I'm feeling bad about taking medicine at all? I'm not into the whole "more-edge-than-thou" thing; hardliners break easier than those of us who don't have sticks up our asses, as far as I'm concerned. I firmly believe that I have a better chance at sticking to my lifestyle than a person who'd refuse medication during a surgery just to try and prove something. I have nothing to prove. I know I have no interest in drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and promiscuity, and I have no desire to try and convince people of that on a daily basis because they know it as well as I do. (Also: I don't care if you've never so much as touched a beer bottle, if you sleep around, you aren't edge.)

My train of thought is insanely disjointed, I know, and I'm really not saying much of anything. That's the cough syrup talking.

SXR

One day, two blogs.

As soon as the dates are released for the Portland Zine Symposium, I'll officially start planning my summer road-trip (which someone else will need to get in on; I can't afford to drive up there on my own). The itinerary will look something like this:

• Leave Madera and head to the Bay.
• Stay in the Bay for one or two days, depending on what's going on.
• Head up to Portland for at least the two days of the symposium, probably one or two more.
• Possibly head up to Seattle, just to check it out.
• Head back down and maybe spend another day or two in the Bay or Santa Cruz.
• Go home.

The entire trip should take about two weeks, I think. We'll see. I swear to god I'm gonna make it happen! I need to get out of here for a while, and the further I go, the better. Who's in?

SXR

Nothing ever changes.

Things have been pretty decent lately. I've managed to remain surprisingly zen through even the most stressful of shows and I've finally begun to adjust to being lonely. However, just when I think I'm really getting better, things get even worse. I'm back to constantly worrying about puking, back to picking at my scalp every single fucking time I drive home, and I've spent probably half an hour of my short day today crying. Just when I thought I was finally staying posi!

Random note, Last.fm is playing my ideal playlist right now: J Church, followed by Discount, followed by Chinese Telephones, then Fifteen. I think that despite my shitty day, I've died and gone to heaven.

Maybe I'll just never really be happy. I guess I handle stress better than I did for a long time, but every time I start thinking I've really made an improvement, days like today happen and I feel like all the work I've put into feeling better about things goes right down the drain. I know I just sound like a stupid, whiny kid, but I am; I'm not trying to deny it. Maybe I just need a vacation. I think I need a break from people, shows, school, family, technology... I need to be alone in the Bay for a week or so and just relax.

In closing, I have a migraine, my foot is bruised, and I'm having a terrible fucking day, but I'm listening to some fantastic music, which almost makes it all okay. I might waste some gas on a trip to Fresno for some alone-time at a cafe; that's my new coping mechanism. I'm about due for a mocha or something; it's been a few days.

SXR

Updates

• World History is a fantastic band. Check them out.
• When SEK plays, people puke everywhere.
• I decided today that I'm going to the National College of Natural Medicine to become a naturopathic doctor. This will probably be after I go to Mills for my MFA in Creative Writing. By the way, it's in Portland and has an epic cafe.
• Frooty Pebbles plus too much tofu plus mocha equals fucked up stomach.
• I'm on top of (most of) my school work.
• I should be in bed.
• The Bel-Tower is in its fifth month.

That's about it for now. I just felt like posting a brief blog about shit. I'm in a strangely good mood tonight and I have no idea why, but I'm not complaining.

SXR

Restless

I still feel unfulfilled. No surprise there. I expect to feel that way all my life.

Now that we haven't had shows every night, I've been especially restless. I have too much time to sit and do nothing, which is never good. If I could at least afford to go out and do something else, even just sit alone at a cafe, I'd be better off, but at the moment, I can't. However, I have managed to write seven or eight pages for a new zine that I'll probably never finish heh. It's actually going pretty well at the moment. This zine's about natural healing, and I'm not expert, but I'm trying to compile all the shit I've read in my years of hypochondria-fueled research.

I have a seven page fictional story due on March 2. Have I started it? Nope. Do I have any idea what I'm going to write? Nope. Will it probably end up another wanna-be Aaron Cometbus piece like my last one? Probably. I'm not punx.

In local news, shit sucks. Fights, threats, theft...

Fuck the world.

SXR

Resolutions?

I have a tendency to decide to do all of these really intense things for my own betterment and never do them, or I'll start them and never finish. That (eventually) has to stop! So, when I finally get around to it, I'm going to do all of the following:

• Go raw vegan for a week, like I've been saying I would for probably six months or more.
• Try gluten-free for at least a week.
• Cut out sugar ENTIRELY for a week and hopefully cut back by at least half for the rest of my life. (We'll see how that goes.)
• Go on a juice diet for a week.
• Do at least fifteen minutes of yoga a day instead of five or six.
• Cut half the dairy from my diet.
• Eat at least three times a day.

I'm serious about these things, damn it!

Constructing the Quintessential '90s Music Video

(This is just for fun and because I have too much time on my hands, as well as an intense love of the '90s.)

What makes the perfect '90s-style music video? Can it be recreated today? How might one recreate the vibe of a '90s video and what was it that made '90s videos so unique? We'll discuss these things and more today.

First, let's decide what elements essentially make up the perfect '90s music video. I believe them to be as follows:

• Bright colors, often brighter than one might usually see on regular TV programming.
• Footage of the band or artist performing in a small, square room.
• Obscure imagery, such as that of fish, stock film footage, et cetera.
• An obscure scenario.
• Some sort of debris or object falling from above.
• Switching between casual attire and formal attire.
• Animals.
• Facial close-ups, often with bright lighting.
• Men in dresses, gowns, makeup, or jewelry.

Can these elements be found in every '90s music video? Of course not; however, they can be found in many, and often times, a video will have most or all of these qualities. Let's take a look at a few examples. These are a few of my personal favorites.

Jawbreaker- "Fireman" (1995)

Note the obscure scenario, bright colors, shots from above and below, performance in a small room, dalmatian, objects falling from above, close-ups with bright lighting, and drag.


Green Day

Many of Green Day's videos are prime examples of the '90s music video. Many of their early videos include almost all of the elements listed above, and their music is often associated with the decade even today. Some of the best examples of this are as follows:

"Basket Case" (1995)

One would be hard-pressed to find brighter colors in a music video. This video also contains many of the other elements; these are easy to spot.

"Geek Stink Breath"


This video is an excellent example. It contains bright colors, facial close-ups, footage of performance in a small room, and bizarre dental imagery.

"Longview"


Another excellent example. Bright colors, small room performance, close-ups, monkey, and stock footage.


Other Examples

Of course, there are excellent examples of '90s videos outside of pop punk. Here are a few I find particularly fine specimens:

Soundgarden- "Black Hole Sun"



Perhaps one of the most well-known videos of the '90s, it contains many of the above elements.

Nirvana- "Heart Shaped Box"




Modern '90s-style videos

Rihanna's new video for "S&M" is a good example of a current interpretation of a '90s video. However, other videos have quite a few '90s elements, as well.

Aiden- "One Love"




Other good examples could include AFI's video for "Girl's Not Grey" and TV On The Radio's "Golden Age."