Decisions

Last night, I made a difficult decision to temporarily (hopefully) remove myself from a friendship that's been really fucking me up mentally for a long time. I'm totally used to those, but I figure it's time to draw the line. I've never been one to pretend to think or feel a certain way just because I feel obliged, or because it's "the norm"; I prefer to be honest and just suffer the consequences, especially these days. I feel like this friend is making some very serious mistakes and have done my best to make them understand that I'm not being a bitch, that I'm concerned and want what's best for them, but I think it's best for both of us if I just step out. They have decisions to make and I'll do nothing but nag about the way I see things, and I'd rather not to that right now, for both of our sakes. I'll reevaluate myself and their own feelings when I don't feel like my life is one big panic attack, and if things work themselves out, good; if not, I'm about ready to move on. Needless to say, it's gonna be on my mind for a long time, and it isn't easy, but I'm working through it. I feel guilty, depressed, worried, torn, and a million other things, but I'm trying not to let that get in the way of my "mental recovery", as it were.

In other news, the DVD for my upcoming workshop and movie night came in. I'm going to check it out sometime very soon and possibly report back on it. I have high hopes, especially given the soundtrack (which includes J Church, who I adore).

In other other news, I feel pretty much friendless. I've got the Bel-Tower crew, of course, but I often feel alienated from them (for some reason), and I can't always be in Fresno, unfortunately. Everyone's in Fresno now, and if not Fresno, the Bay Area. I'd kill to be up there more often, especially because some of my favorite and most missed people are up there, but I can't afford it, which is definitely depressing. Although gas is cheaper than it was not long ago, I can't really afford more than two or three trips to Fresno a week, so if I went up there, I'd be fucked for a week. It might be worth it, really, but it's hard to come up with enough money to get up there at once. I desperately need a job of some sort.

I really do feel like shit lately, but I actually feel kind of hopeful about myself (not so much other people). I think I need to take time to focus on myself and really make an effort to improve my mental well-being, which will eventually improve my physical well-being, I think. My stomach's been better lately, which is good. I'm not sure if it's the yoga I've been doing, the herbs I've been taking, or just the fact that I've been making an effort to really change things for myself. If it means leaving some people behind for a while, so be it; I need to put myself first for once.

SXR