Anxiety

I felt kind of weird all day after last night's numerous incidents. I don't know if they should really be called incidents, but it appears they really did screw me up. Somewhere between 6:30 and 8, I started feeling really anxious and it's only gotten worse. I suppose that explains why I felt so hot last night. I wasn't aware that I really was anxious, but given the upset stomach, fast heartbeat, and weird nervousness, it seems that I am heh. One piece of vegan chocolate cake later, I'm resorting to herbal relaxation tea. Valerian, rose, and lavender, don't fail me now. It would've been nice if Rachal had gotten online to talk like she'd said she would, but whatever. I've grown to expect her to not follow through.

I finished otherXcore #2 today. That's one less thing to worry about and one more thing to feel good about. I did it in less than a year this time! It's really not much of an accomplishment, and it's not as good as I'd like it to be, but finishing a zine is really quite a task, especially when you're doing it alone. I'll get better at it eventually. I've only put out a few.

I guess that's all for now. If I'm up in a few hours, I may return with even less to say.

SXR

My upcoming shows

Be there. I may get bored and feel the need to post an actual blog later. We shall see.

SXR

Fail

I started my day with a bowl of oatmeal and ended it with a veggie sandwich and fries from Five Guys. My stomach wasn't pleased and now I'm not sure whether I want to continue my cleanse for now. I think I'm going to wait until I can go to the doctor and have some blood work done and see if he thinks there are any underlying issues that can be treated. I do intend, though, to seriously change my diet as much as possible. That's really hard when your friends and family aren't doing the same, but I'm going to try and make it work. I'm going to attempt to cut out sugar as much as possible, for the sake of my gut (since sugar feeds bad bacteria), eat more greens and other vegetables, and cut out most carbs. So essentially, I'm going to attempt to live off of vegetables for a while. It's probably not going to happen, but I'm down to try.

I would just really like to feel better. Nothing really seems to work and it really upsets me. Do I really have to feel this way for the rest of my life? It gets bad enough that some days, I'd rather die or even just reach for a beer or a joint in order to escape the shittiness that has become my life. Miserable, no? I feel so bad that I just want to fuck up my body even more. Maybe I'd at least die a little faster and be a little less aware of it, which might be cool.

People like to bitch about how negative I am, but they don't have to live in my body. Trust me, folks, if you felt the way I do on a daily basis, you'd probably come off as pretty negative, too. I know it could be worse, but it isn't, and it still blows, so I'll complain all I want. If there's one thing that makes me happy, though, it's Jawbreaker. (As if you didn't know.)


"Everything's gonna be alright. Steady now, don't fall apart. Keep yourself upright."

SXR

Cleansing

Since I have four days off, for the most part, I finally decided to start my Whole Body Cleanse tonight. I cut the dosages a little, but if I'm feeling pretty good tomorrow, I'll take the recommended doses and see how that goes. I'm excited to maybe feel a little better and possibly drop a pound or two, even though I'll probably gain it back in a couple days. I'm using the $12 cleanse from Whole Foods, for those who might be curious. I'll try to document my experience with it from time to time, because before I bought it, when I looked it up, there were very few good accounts of what it was like to use this cleanse. No one said anything too bad, though, so I decided it wouldn't hurt to try it. I hope it goes well for me.

I went to an open interview at Urban Outfitters today. Jon and Sam were also in attendance. I'm pretty positive none of us will be hearing back from them, but at least we can say we tried. No one can say I've never tried to get a job.

On my way home, my knees started cramping. Seeing as I spent slightly less time on my feet today than usual, I'm hoping that's just hormones. My "time of the month" has been way too easy this time around, so I wouldn't be surprised. Maybe I just have shitty bones and joints. That's also a possibility.

Today was pretty nice. I think I also felt a little more comfortable in my own skin than I usually do, which was definitely a plus. If it wasn't so damn hot, life would be surprisingly pleasant at the moment.

SXR

Dying, Dying, Dying.

I. Feel. Like shit. It started last night. Stomach pain, mostly, but that's pretty normal for me. Then today, I woke up early to go with my mom to take Tami to the school; she left for Europe today. After that, my mother and I went to San Francisco, where the weather was fucking amazing, but I started feeling even worse. By the time we were leaving Gilroy, I felt terrible. It was at its worst when we got home, and I felt so miserable that I wanted to cry. So tomorrow, whether I like it or not, I'm going to the doctor.

Seriously, something has to be wrong with me. My daily health regimine goes something like this:

MORNING: 1 capsule of wild yam root, 1 capsule of peppermint leaf, 1 or 2 probiotics (7 or 14 billion CFUs respectively), two or three glasses of water, breakfast.

AFTERNOON: Lunch with 1 or 2 digestive enzymes, two or three glasses of water, one cup of peppermint tea.

NIGHT: Dinner, three or four glasses of water (usually one with the juice of half a lemon), 2 triphala capsules, 10-20 minutes of yoga.

You'd think with all of that my stomach would be a lot less fucked up, right? I'm doing everything every fucking health professional has ever published on the web and then some. I'm going above and beyond what the average American does for their health and I'm stuck feeling like shit. It's quite unfair.

I need that cleanse. ASAP.

SXR

Sketchy Friends

So, I have this friend. We've been pretty close for probably three or four years; I've lost track. Their stories have always changed a little from time to time, but now, the changes are drastic and they happen within days of each other. There's a very good chance they've been lying to me all throughout our friendship and that I've just had too much faith in them to acknowledge it. Not that I've ever really called them out on it, but I'm pretty sure they're aware that I'm not entirely stupid.

Lesson learned, though: trust nobody.

I have no close friends anymore, and I'm beginning to think it's better this way. I've got a couple people I can talk to and hang out with when I need to, and I trust them more than anyone right now. Beyond that, I've got a small network of friends and a huge web of ex-friends and acquaintances. I care too much about people who don't care that much about me.

But, on the bright side, I'm having better luck with writing again, I keep wanting to paint, and otherXcore #2 is coming along a lot more smoothly than issue #1 did.

SXR

Dream Interpretations and Morning (a.k.a. mid-day) Depression

I've cried more in the past 24 hours than I have in weeks. (Yes, weeks, not months or years.) Most of it was for virtually no reason, but then when have I ever needed a good reason to cry? This morning, after a dream in which I had a flat tire and couldn't get the air machine at the gas station to work (which supposedly signifies that I'm emotionally drained, I'm stuck in life, and I have no control), I woke up feeling incredibly depressed. I have yet to figure out why, but I guess it doesn't matter. I eventually cried, sort of got over it, and got my usual post-cry headache, which lasted all day.

I've been painting lately, and I'm surprised to find out that I actually have some talent with acrylics. If I can sell these paintings on etsy, I might be able to make a little money and go to the Bay or something. Lord knows I need it. I'm just not sure if I need to be alone or if I really need friends right now.

I've got a lot of shows coming up. By a lot I mean two or three. I can't recall. Whatever.

Still no friends. Still no money. Still no job, no boyfriend (which is the least of my concerns anyway), and still very little enthusiasm for most things.

Yep. Life as usual.

SXR