Brushing up

I'm about halfway through the second week of the semester. So far, so good, for the most part. I got dropped from yoga, but I guess I'm being added back. I bought one book and I'm waiting on another, as well as the iClicker I need for my math class, which is already a struggle to keep attending. There's something about classes of 200 or so that just make me want to ditch. Other than that, everything's going well. Classes are easy, assignments are quick, painless, and there haven't been many. This might be a pretty good semester.

I finally got my bass out today and tried playing some stuff. In case I hadn't mentioned, I'm doing a Green Day set with Ryan Cod and Alan for a '90s cover show at Bel-Tower on October 29 (exactly a year after the last cover show). I think there will also be Pantera, Creed, and some other bands represented. I keep forgetting who's covering what. All I know is that I finally get to play some Green Day. I've got "Basket Case" down and I'm working on perfecting "Going to Pasalacqua". I have no idea what songs we all want to cover, but I figure I might as well learn my favorites and most of the hits if I can. I've got time. It's nice to finally play bass again. I'm pretty sure I'll need new strings before the show, and possibly a better tune-up, but for now, things are going pretty well.

SXR

Low

Today was okay, I suppose. I had an interview at Macy's, which went okay. I think I looked pretty nice, but I don't have real retail experience, so I automatically assume no one wants to hire me anyway. If the job market wasn't so terrible, I'd think maybe I could get hired just based on intelligence and my genuine desire to help people, but unfortunately, that's not really how it goes right now.

An hour or two ago, my back pain came back. The Icy Hot just wore off and I was too lazy to reapply it, so I guess I'll deal for tonight. I'm bloated, my eyes feel tired and sore from the makeup I had on earlier, I have a sinus headache, my allergies just started acting up... Needless to say, I don't feel great right now. Plus, I'm upset over the fact that nothing I try to do for FYBT Fest works out. The new bands I want to ask to play are all on tour or too far away, and apparently returning acts are no longer welcome, so... I guess I'm out. Everyone else can plan it. Fuck it. Not like I should have any sort of say when we're booking probably seven or eight out-of-town bands. God forbid I try to get just one I'd really like to see.

I should be asleep since I have to be up at 8. I'm tired, but I'm not at the same time. My eyes are way more tired than my mind, which is constantly coming up with new reasons to be pissed off, sad, or worried. I think there are some serious hormonal shifts going on up there heh.

Today I was thinking a lot about whether or not to start shaving regularly for yoga class. I still haven't made up my mind. The pants I'll wear most of the time cover everything but my ankles, but I don't know if I'm ready to be "that fat hairy chick." I know it's a stupid thing to worry about, but I can't help it. I've held off a lot on shaving lately for a few reasons: I finally got some nice tights, I've had cuts and bruises on my legs that have made it painful to shave, my skin is extra dry in the summer, and I've been trying to unlearn the idea that women shouldn't have body hair. Honestly, I'm not a fan of it, but as someone of Mediterranean descent, hair is just something I have to deal with. If I really wanted to shave or wax my whole body, it would take hours, and I'm just not willing to waste my time on stupid shit like that all the time. Every now and then, sure, but not every day. Some people just don't seem to be aware of how time-consuming shaving can be. It's also expensive, sometimes hard on the back, a pain in the ass when you're fat and have more surface to deal with, it dries out the skin, and when the hair starts growing back, it tends to itch. Plus, I have sensitive skin and tend to end up with searing cuts in my armpits and blood all over my legs, which usually doesn't stop for a couple of hours. It's not that I like being hairy; I just don't like taking time out of my day to inflict pain upon myself. I may shave my ankles in the morning. We'll see.

Now that you know more than you want to and eight o'clock is slowly creeping up, I should attempt to go to bed. I'm planning to check out Revive Cafe for the first time tomorrow (raw, organic, and vegan... in FRESNO!?), so I have that to look forward to after a long, boring day of school.

SXR

Icy Hot

My blood tests came back normal and the gastroenterologist said I don't need to see him anymore. I suppose that's good. What made the visit worth it (it was literally four or five minutes long) was that he said he'd start recommending olive leaf extract to his patients. As someone who loves helping people and sharing my knowledge of alternative medicine and shit, that was really nice. Normally, doctors tend to write herbal treatments off as bullshit because they don't get cuts from pharmaceutical companies for them, so it was cool to finally find one who was willing to look into one. I really do think olive leaf has helped me. My stomach hurts way less and I feel much better, for the most part. I'm currently in pain due to god knows what and my back is covered in Icy Hot, but other than that and some bloating and occasional cramps due to my period, I feel pretty good.

School wasn't too terrible today. I think I can handle being at school from 10 to 9:30-ish, but it will definitely require some coffee, strong tea, or mate. I barely made it through the day and I got home at 7. Obviously, I'm still up, but I've been tired all evening. Waking up is such a chore heh. I'm considering staying up tonight, depending on my pain. I really don't want to, but if the stabbing isn't gone when the Icy Hot wears off, I may go to the health center or urgent care tomorrow, just to get someone else's opinion. I have a sneaking suspicion I need to get checked for ovarian cysts or endometriosis, especially given the fact that I get worse every month, but I keep putting it off because I really don't want to deal with that right now heh. Too many doctors.

I've been looking into Buddhism a lot more lately. Maybe it's just the Kerouac. I've always been interested in Buddhism, though. I see it as a philosophy, not a religion, so don't go thinking I'm suddenly all about any gods heh. I'd just like to learn more about it and definitely focus more on my diet, my attitude, yoga, and meditation. I feel like it'll be good for me. The Four Noble Truths make a whole hell of a lot of sense to me. Buddhism is almost nihilistic in that the ultimate goal is nothingness. I love it. We'll see where it takes me.

SXR

Busy, busy, busy.

I guess I waited till the end of the summer to do anything. We made some serious improvements to the Bel-Tower, so much of my time this past week or so has been spent on that. We're not entirely finished yet, but we're at the point where everything else will be done whenever we find the time and money and shouldn't take too much work. I feel like it looks more like a venue and less like a party house, which I couldn't be happier about, but it still looks like a DIY space. I hate the idea that DIY or punk spaces have to look rundown and shabby. There are spaces all over the world that look like they've gotten lots of love and care, which is what I want for BT. I don't think it matters that the walls aren't covered in graffiti anymore. No matter what anyone thinks, we know how much time and work we've put into everything, and that's what matters. It only looks good because we took the time to make it look good.

I'm about to get even busier. At one this afternoon, I have to go to the doctor to finally discuss the results of my blood test (still kind of hoping for hypothyroidism just so I have some answers), then I've got to go to Fresno State to buy my parking permit and some books, then head over to Bel-Tower for the Black Fag show. It doesn't seem like I've got a whole lot to do, but add in all the driving time and everything and it seems like a full day.

Speaking of school, I had 10 units and couldn't find anything that fit my schedule, so I was going to just stick with that. However, it turns out that if I don't take 12 units, I lose my vision and dental insurance because I'm over 19. If my dad can't provide proof that I'm enrolled in college, he could lose his job, which would leave me, my sister, and my dad totally uninsured. So much for positive health care reform. I finally found a class tonight that I could work with: Advanced Fiction Writing Monday nights from 6 to 9:50. Believe me, I'm not pleased with the three hour gap I have now, or the fact that I'm stuck at school for twelve fucking hours on Mondays. I've now got 14 units lined up for the fall and I'm feeling pretty stressed about it. Yoga's no big deal, but I have no idea how much work to expect in my other classes, so I'm afraid I'll have to devote the next few months to sitting in front of the computer and trying not to drive myself crazy. Plus, I managed to get a job interview, and if I do manage to get the job, I'll officially have zero time to myself and probably be totally miserable. Good times.

I'm getting into another one of those moods where I just feel really conflicted about everything again. I'm conflicted about school, certain friends, what I want out of life, how I feel about certain things... Not that I feel like I should be sure about anything, because I think being too sure about anything at any age is dangerous, but it makes me a bit moody and insecure. I guess since I'll be so busy it shouldn't be a huge issue; I won't have time to think anyway.

I can't decide if I'm lonely or just bored.

SXR

Rant

Today's been one hell of a day. I'll spare you the details of my hormones and PMS shit, but I have a lot I want to say and I'm not sure how to say it, so what follows is a disjointed rant. I'm writing by candlelight, just for dramatic effect.

Things at Bel-Tower have been far from smooth internally lately. I don't think it's really a secret that most of us struggle against the rest of us on a number of issues, number one being the alcohol policy. However, we've come to agreements and done our best to stick to those (I speak for most of us on that, anyways). Nevertheless, certain people just don't seem happy with the way things are going despite the fact that we're one of our financial peaks and we haven't really had a visit from the police in months. Some people just aren't happy with anything we do, despite the fact that we (in theory) operate based on majority rule. Because of that, I have a few things to say.

• WE ARE A COLLECTIVE. We agreed on that from the very fucking start and agreed to vote on everything. We haven't had a formal vote in months, but we always discuss things at shows and via Facebook message before we make any changes. ALWAYS. End of story. If most of us are cool with it, we do it. I want us to be MORE of a collective, to be a TRUE collective. That being said:
• FUCK HIERARCHY. No one is "in charge" of The Bel-Tower except THE STAFF as a WHOLE. Not one single person should have any more power than anyone else. THAT IS WHAT A COLLECTIVE IS. We work collectively to accomplish common goals. END OF FUCKING STORY. I'm sick of people trying to come in and set up a fucking patriarchal hierarchy and creating a stupid fucking power struggle that keeps all of us from accomplishing anything or feeling comfortable. And then:
• FUCK EXCLUSION. No one, staff or resident, has the right to keep anyone out of the space at any time for any reason unless we all agree on it. We all have the same keys and the same fucking rights.

As you might be able to tell, I'm steamed. Clearly, things are not the way any of us wanted them to be. It's disillusioning, especially because I was one of the fucking founders, and I've put a ton of time and money into the space. Nevertheless, I don't give a fuck what anyone tries to tell me. "Give up on zine libraries, workshops, the punks, yadda yadda yadda." FUCK NO. I refuse to give up on my beliefs, my desires, and my FRIENDS because someone thinks they're older and "more punk" and they think they can dictate the way I live my life or tell me I'm stupid or wrong. You can fucking drop out of the scene any time you want, give up on feminism, DIY, punk, your friends, and anything else, but I won't. Not now, hopefully not ever.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I don't think I've ever used caps lock this much.

There's still so much more to say, but I can't find a way to really voice it. Fuck it.

SXR

Also:

I would like to say that I've been buying a lot more dresses lately (partly because it's hot as fuck, partly because I have good tights for the first time since I was little so I don't have to worry about shaving every day, and partly because I'm finally starting to feel comfortable without being covered up). I would also like to add (and for those who know me very, very well, this is big): tonight, I'm going to bed in nothing but a camisole and underwear. For me, that's the equivalent of sleeping naked. I'm kind of proud of myself.

Just thought I'd share.

SXR

One step forward, two steps back

I feel weird because I haven't written a long, rant-y blog in a while. I guess I got semi-productive for a while, what with my 24 hour zine, my terrible zine workshop, the whole week of shows. I also finally bought some books (a Kerouac collection including On the Road, The Dharma Bums, The Subterraneans, Tristessa, and Lonesome Traveler and a collection of Bukowski's uncollected stories and essays), since we were at Borders and fiction was all 10% off. I'm making a serious effort to finally get into some modern American writers now that I don't feel so appalled by anything post-Victorian. I think I'll find my best connection with authors of the Beat generation; I'm a big fan of Sartre, who was definitely a prominent influence on the Beats, and given my usual desire for travel and interest in the "underground" (drugs, sex, booze, and all), I think I'll find my place there. Go figure, what with my being a working class white college student. Call me a hipster if you must; I'm not out paying thousands of bucks for a fancy loft in an area where low-income people of color are losing their homes just so I can say I understand their plight. I'm almost done with On the Road now and I've quite enjoyed it. I'm glad I'm over my fixation with everything Wildean and distaste for anything else heh.

My first visit to the gastroenterologist went just fine. I didn't see the actual doctor. I guess the man I saw was an assistant doctor or something? In any case, he was a very chill bigger Russian man and actually took an interest in the herbal supplements I brought with me, which I've never experienced before. I legitimately think olive leaf extract is working for me, although I definitely still have the occasional pain and everything. I think a lot of that has to do with hormones, since my complaints seem to follow my cycle. I regret waiting till last month to start really keeping track of that. I'm having blood work done tomorrow, which I've wanted for months, and I'm legitimately hoping it turns out that I have hypothyroidism; I have almost every symptom I've seen online and things would finally make sense. Plus, it could be corrected with medication or surgery and I could hopefully go back to normal. I haven't felt normal since 2008 or so, so that would be remarkable. With my luck, everything will be totally normal, but I've got my fingers crossed. I know it seems weird to hope for something wrong, but I'd just really like to know why I always feel like shit heh. If I had something solid to blame it on, I'd feel a lot better. Plus, if my thyroid is underactive and I get it corrected, there's the possibility that my hair and skin will be healthier, my stomach will feel better, and I'll lose weight and be more awake. That would be fucking perfect.

All in all though, for the last week or two, I've felt so much better, aside from yesterday and part of today. Again, though, my hormones are changing, so I think that's what's to blame. I generally always expect to feel like shit for about two weeks before my period.

My 24 hour zine ended up being a Jawbreaker-inspired half-art zine and half-perzine. It's not perfect, but it's probably the nicest thing I've done. I'm fairly impressed with myself heh. Maybe I'll put up some scans soon.

SXR