Icy Hot

My blood tests came back normal and the gastroenterologist said I don't need to see him anymore. I suppose that's good. What made the visit worth it (it was literally four or five minutes long) was that he said he'd start recommending olive leaf extract to his patients. As someone who loves helping people and sharing my knowledge of alternative medicine and shit, that was really nice. Normally, doctors tend to write herbal treatments off as bullshit because they don't get cuts from pharmaceutical companies for them, so it was cool to finally find one who was willing to look into one. I really do think olive leaf has helped me. My stomach hurts way less and I feel much better, for the most part. I'm currently in pain due to god knows what and my back is covered in Icy Hot, but other than that and some bloating and occasional cramps due to my period, I feel pretty good.

School wasn't too terrible today. I think I can handle being at school from 10 to 9:30-ish, but it will definitely require some coffee, strong tea, or mate. I barely made it through the day and I got home at 7. Obviously, I'm still up, but I've been tired all evening. Waking up is such a chore heh. I'm considering staying up tonight, depending on my pain. I really don't want to, but if the stabbing isn't gone when the Icy Hot wears off, I may go to the health center or urgent care tomorrow, just to get someone else's opinion. I have a sneaking suspicion I need to get checked for ovarian cysts or endometriosis, especially given the fact that I get worse every month, but I keep putting it off because I really don't want to deal with that right now heh. Too many doctors.

I've been looking into Buddhism a lot more lately. Maybe it's just the Kerouac. I've always been interested in Buddhism, though. I see it as a philosophy, not a religion, so don't go thinking I'm suddenly all about any gods heh. I'd just like to learn more about it and definitely focus more on my diet, my attitude, yoga, and meditation. I feel like it'll be good for me. The Four Noble Truths make a whole hell of a lot of sense to me. Buddhism is almost nihilistic in that the ultimate goal is nothingness. I love it. We'll see where it takes me.

SXR

Busy, busy, busy.

I guess I waited till the end of the summer to do anything. We made some serious improvements to the Bel-Tower, so much of my time this past week or so has been spent on that. We're not entirely finished yet, but we're at the point where everything else will be done whenever we find the time and money and shouldn't take too much work. I feel like it looks more like a venue and less like a party house, which I couldn't be happier about, but it still looks like a DIY space. I hate the idea that DIY or punk spaces have to look rundown and shabby. There are spaces all over the world that look like they've gotten lots of love and care, which is what I want for BT. I don't think it matters that the walls aren't covered in graffiti anymore. No matter what anyone thinks, we know how much time and work we've put into everything, and that's what matters. It only looks good because we took the time to make it look good.

I'm about to get even busier. At one this afternoon, I have to go to the doctor to finally discuss the results of my blood test (still kind of hoping for hypothyroidism just so I have some answers), then I've got to go to Fresno State to buy my parking permit and some books, then head over to Bel-Tower for the Black Fag show. It doesn't seem like I've got a whole lot to do, but add in all the driving time and everything and it seems like a full day.

Speaking of school, I had 10 units and couldn't find anything that fit my schedule, so I was going to just stick with that. However, it turns out that if I don't take 12 units, I lose my vision and dental insurance because I'm over 19. If my dad can't provide proof that I'm enrolled in college, he could lose his job, which would leave me, my sister, and my dad totally uninsured. So much for positive health care reform. I finally found a class tonight that I could work with: Advanced Fiction Writing Monday nights from 6 to 9:50. Believe me, I'm not pleased with the three hour gap I have now, or the fact that I'm stuck at school for twelve fucking hours on Mondays. I've now got 14 units lined up for the fall and I'm feeling pretty stressed about it. Yoga's no big deal, but I have no idea how much work to expect in my other classes, so I'm afraid I'll have to devote the next few months to sitting in front of the computer and trying not to drive myself crazy. Plus, I managed to get a job interview, and if I do manage to get the job, I'll officially have zero time to myself and probably be totally miserable. Good times.

I'm getting into another one of those moods where I just feel really conflicted about everything again. I'm conflicted about school, certain friends, what I want out of life, how I feel about certain things... Not that I feel like I should be sure about anything, because I think being too sure about anything at any age is dangerous, but it makes me a bit moody and insecure. I guess since I'll be so busy it shouldn't be a huge issue; I won't have time to think anyway.

I can't decide if I'm lonely or just bored.

SXR

Tired

I was going to go for a walk, but I decided against it since I knew everyone would want to join me. I'd rather walk alone for a while; it gives me time to zone out. So, here I am, writing yet another totally pointless blog.

I felt so much better today than I have in days. I kind of feel like shit now that I've had a Moon Pie even though I was trying to limit my sugar as much as possible today, but I still feel a bit better than I have in a while. It probably helped that we had lunch at Sweet Tomatoes, which I love to fucking death. It's hard to beat soup, salad, bread, and muffins. I really have become a salad person in the last few years. I won't eat iceberg lettuce unless I have to, but give me some red leaf lettuce, some spinach, some field greens, and a ton of delicious vegetables and I'm totally set. As a matter of fact, I could go for another salad now. Fuck my doctor's suggestion to lay off of vegetables; I'm a vegetarian and a salad-fiend, so I'll eat all the raw vegetables I want.

Sitting at home is really getting old. If the weather stays decent, I'll spend much more time walking, but it is July, so that can only last for so long. I need to either get really crafty, somehow land a job, or find a friend who will come to me or meet me halfway or something. Maybe I can start a new story that I'll never finish, or maybe even something that I might be able to finish and submit for publication. For someone who wants to make a career of writing, I'm not doing much with it. It doesn't help that it's extremely hard to get started, but I feel like I'm not even trying. I've submitted one short story to two publications; not very impressive. Maybe that can be my summer goal: finish a short story, edit the shit out of it until it's semi-good, and submit it to a few publications.

I'm still dying for a trip to somewhere cooler and more scenic. I'd love to go spend some time alone in the mountains, but I'd also be totally content with a few days in the East Bay, especially because I never get the chance to really explore when I'm there. There are so many places I've been meaning to check out, but I always run out of time. Next time I have the money, I'm going. Fuck responsibility heh; I need to have some fun.

I think I'm actually really looking forward to school. I'm sick of sitting around and feeling like I have no purpose or reason to wake up. Plus, my schedule's really not bad. I've got classes Monday, Wednesday, and a short day on Friday, which should be kind of nice.


That's all for now, I suppose. I may be back.

SXR