Eh.

I've been getting depressed again, for some strange reason. I think it's a combination of loneliness, hormones, and anxiety.

I'm having issues with my body again. I know I'm fat, and I really don't think it helps when everyone lies to me and says "no, you're not," because that's a huge lie. Based on my BMI (that system is bullshit, but nevertheless), I'm beyond morbidly obese. While I don't believe in BMIs, I know for a fact that there's a problem here. Ideally, I'd love to lose about fifty pounds. That's a hell of a lot and it's never going to happen, especially since I've been at the same weight since I was about 12 or 13, but a girl can dream. I know I'll never be thin (my family is full of big-boned and stocky people, and that's not just us making excuses for being big), but I'd love to be able to buy clothes or be found attractive by someone other than my closest friends and family. It's all very depressing. For instance, I generally wear size 16 pants, or 36 or 38 in men's sizes, depending on the pants. The other day, I bought a pair of size 38 jeans and they were at least two inches from even buttoning. The store didn't even carry size 40, so I still have no pants and went home feeling really disgusted with myself. I can rarely even shop at Torrid because everything is either too big or too small.

I'm rambling. I came here to say something else, too, but I've forgotten what it was.

Fuck the world.

SXR