An Alternative to Slitting Your Wrist

I recently watched (part of) the documentary for which this post is named and decided to give myself an assignment: instead of letting depression and anxiety get to me, I'm going to create a "bucket list" of sorts and document some sort of positive thought every day, to the best of my abilities. I bought a fancy new journal just so I'll feel motivated to actually do it, since, as we all know, spiral-bound notebooks aren't exactly the first things you want to reach for when you're trying to think about something other than school. So far, I have a list of twenty-some things I'd like to accomplish, and I wrote down some imagery that stuck with me and made me feel better last night, which is a start.

Today was very up-and-down, but I suppose that overall, it's been fun. I had some good times with Corina, KC, Nick, Tone, Matt, Lolita, and Andrew, so it's all good. I also received my JTB hoodie in the mail, just as I'd hoped I would, so it was nice to come home to that. I swear there's nothing better on a cold day than a brand new hoodie.

And now, a list of some of my favorite songs at the moment, just for fun:

• "Cat Heaven" -Jets to Brazil
• "Wish List" -Jets to Brazil
• "Chinatown" -Jets to Brazil
• "Sea Anemone" -Jets to Brazil
• "Bivouac" -Jawbreaker
• "Chesterfield King"- Jawbreaker
• "Want" -Jawbreaker
• "Accident Prone" -Jawbreaker
• "You've Got Everything Now" -The Smiths
• "This Charming Man" -The Smiths
• "A Guided Tour of Chicago" -The Lawrence Arms
• "Detention" -The Lawrence Arms
• "100 Resolutions" -The Lawrence Arms
• "Too Small to Fail" -forgetters

That's enough for now, I suppose, and I'm sure none of these are the least bit surprising. I've probably posted half of them on Facebook at some point, too. I do still listen to other things, of course. I'm listening to Good Riddance at the moment, another band that I love to death.

Until next time,

SXR

Light on the angst.

Despite the fact that I'm stressed beyond belief this week, I'll leave the angst out of this blog and focus on other things.

The Bel-Tower is still a hit, although we're in serious financial trouble. You win some, you lose some, I suppose, but that doesn't make it any less painful. The one month anniversary of our first show was last Friday, so it'd really be a shame to lose it now. Plus, we've got shows booked into January, and I'd hate to leave people hanging. If anyone happens to know anybody with a few hundred bucks to spare, have them send it our way, please. We somehow used close to $300 worth of water (in one month, when we hardly even use water), and we haven't even gotten the electricity bill yet, so we are completely and totally fucked, it would seem. But there's always a silver lining: if we lose the place, I can stop spending all of my money on it.

(Somehow, the trade-off isn't that appealing.)

SXR

Bad Week, Everyone's Fault

Disclaimer: I'm on my period and therefore have even more built up angst than usual. Ignore everything I say or do for a couple days.

I'm pissed. Why? Why not!? I've been cancelled on, used, ignored, left out, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. You people really have to do this when I'm menstrual? That's just rude. On top of that, I'm still dealing with some really annoying feelings that I have yet to figure out, and they're causing me a lot of low self-esteem, jealousy, anxiety, depression, and all of that other good shit. I know I'm wasting my time, but it's how my mind works and I can't help it.

Everytime I find someone I feel I can count on, I'm somehow proven wrong. For once, I'd like to find just one person who didn't mind my occasional bouts of depression, anxiety, and anger, someone who'd spend time with me regardless and really give a shit about how I feel. I know people who do that to an extent, but it's usually a fairly small extent. I know I'm a lot to handle, but I like to think I'm worth it.

There's so much I want to say, but it's probably best that I don't say it; a number of people (as if they ever read this hah) would close the window and be very upset.

I'm going to continue to listen to '80s hardcore and mope.

My outlook on life is (not currently) positive.

SXR

Replacement

Since I'm taking a bit of a break from social networking, I'm making an attempt to blog more often (since basically no one reads it anyway, so I know no one is going to make it into a fucking joke).

Yesterday was brutal, as was the day before. Today's been a little better, although I did wake up at 1:30 in the afternoon, so there hasn't been much time for things to get fucked up yet. Last night, I did get a bit of a pick-me-up. I hung out with Corina, Kc, Nick (Glamour Tronic), and his friend Matt in River Park. We played Uno with a random little black kid who talked a lot of shit hah. Good times. Speaking of which, watch out for our new skinhead crew, Burrito Skins. We don't fuck around.

Since I'm in one of those places where I'm pretty susceptible to new things (as well as emotions, apparently), I decided to download Jets To Brazil's discography. It's the only band Blake Schwarzenbach has been in that I haven't been able to get into, and I'm not entirely sure why. It lacks the aggression Jawbreaker had, but then again, so have Blake's newer bands, to some extent. It's either too clean or too... soft? in its angstiness, I guess. I assume it's only a matter of time (and repetition) before I get into it, especially since (thanks mostly, I'm sure, to EmoGame 2) I'm on a bit of a classic emo kick. I wish I hadn't been so anxious to cast off the emo thing when I was younger and all of these great bands were still around or relevant heh. I remember getting a Jets sampler with some magazine and listening to it once or twice, then giving it away. I thought it was cool, but evidently, not cool enough. I also remember people talking about Piebald all the fucking time, and now, I'm pretty sure most people don't give a shit about them. It's crazy how emo became what it is today heh. Late '90s/early '00s emo is nothing like current emo. Weird shit.

I have business to attend to now. (After I play some EmoGame 2.)

SXR

In which I feel like shit.

I have so very much to say right now about certain people and certain things they've said.

However, all I'm going to say is that I've been depressed enough that I've resorted to listening to Jets To Brazil (who I'm not even into) and playing Emogame 2. I beat level one in less than ten minutes.

Depressing.

SXR

Pointless Post

I just really feel the need to list all of the bizarre things that I'm really strangely interested in and which would surprise most people who haven't known me for most of my life. (These are often things I look up on Youtube; I have no time for viral videos.)

• Soundscapes (by which I mean primarily nature sounds). My favorite site for this is soundsleeping.com.
• The call of the loon.
• Native American music.
• Celtic music.
• Spillways and dams. Arguably my most bizarre interests. I don't care about how they work or whether or not they're beneficial; I just like the way they look when they're flowing.
• Indian and other assorted eastern music.
• Occasional fantasy novels, such as The Lord of the Rings trilogy. I was way too into that for a while.
• Gregorian chant.
• Religious symbolism. (I'm not religious at all; I just think the symbols and imagery are incredibly interesting and gorgeous.)
• Rustic decor.
• Dead languages (despite the fact that I've never learned any).
• Old churches.

That'll suffice for now. I just felt the need to list this shit somewhere. I sometimes forget just how many off-the-wall things I get really into from time to time.

SXR

Bay Area Weekend

I went up to San Francisco last Thursday with a friend who attended the Femme Conference in Oakland, which sounded like an amazing experience. As for myself, I hung out with my friends Ralph and Josh, who moved up there a few months ago. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were comprised of vegan food, tattoos, and hanging out in San Francisco, then on Sunday, I went over to Berkeley to hang out with my friend Gabby on her birthday. She got her first tattoo, which is always fun to see.

I'm ecstatic about my own new tattoo, so I had to blog about it and do a really shity edit of it to use as the header for the blog, which you may or may not have noticed. I got it done at Double Crossed Tattoo in the Mission District in San Francisco. If you're in the area and looking for a tattoo, stop by! The shop is nice and the guys there were great. Greg was my artist, and holy shit, we seriously lucked out heh. We'd been to a couple shops who didn't have time for us, but when we got to Double Crossed, they were totally down to work on us. I'm so glad I ended up with an artist who likes Jawbreaker. This tattoo is currently my favorite thing ever. I would post a picture, but that seems redundant, seeing as it's in the header.

I started at Fresno State today, by the way. Could be worse.

SXR