Long time, no blog

Let's recap:

• forgetters and Street Eaters were fucking amazing and Blake Schwarzenbach is an insanely nice guy. I'm so glad I managed to book them. I think it's kind of an accomplishment, despite the fact that it was a small turnout.
• Blake Schwarzenbach.
• Blake Schwarzenbach.
• Bel-Tower is still alive.
• I'm more broke than ever.
• Blake Schwarzenbach.
  

Lately, I feel insanely restless. I'm not unhappy, but I don't feel entirely fulfilled. I suppose that since I'm so young, I really shouldn't or there'd be no point in living, but in a world of instant gratification and simplified everything, it's hard not to want constant fulfillment. I can't keep my mind on just one project, and my mind is most certainly not set on school right now. If I wasn't stuck in Fresno, I honestly think that would be different. Despite the fact that I only have about five or six friends, most of whom are not close, I feel like I'm too distracted by other things, like hanging out or working at The Bel-Tower. I'm sure I'd be a bit distracted in Oakland, Berkeley, Hayward, San Francisco, or Brooklyn, all of which are home to my dream schools, but at least there, I'd have no friends and be forced to focus on school to some extent.

I think this is going to be one of those years where I try to figure out what the hell I'm going to do with my life. I'm incredibly broke, unemployed, making very slow progress on my degree... Somewhere along the way, I have to either pick up the pace and get with the "American dream" model for living or just give in and part ways with the system. I'm honestly thinking about spending this summer in the Bay Area, staying with friends, squatting, staying in hostels... whatever I can afford at any given time. I feel like I need time to go out on my own and be forced to struggle in a place I feel I need to be. If I can make it for a couple of months with almost nothing, I'll know I won't be completely fucked. It's not that I'm denying my privilege or whatever, as my Women's Studies professor would say, I just feel that since I will undoubtedly be broke for the majority of my life based on my ethics, morals, ideals, et cetera, I need to get used to that sooner rather than later. At the same time, though, I'm always trying to make connections to people in "high places." The more connections I have, the more chances I have at being able to make some kind of living doing the things I love.

I realize that my train of thought is incredibly disjointed and I almost never have a point. Forgive me.

Now allow me to digress a bit.

Part of my restlessness seems to come from the fact that everything is so easy these days. I hate it. I truly believe it's less convenient to get an e-mail than to get a letter. I disregard e-mails, but I read letters. (Who still hyphenates the word "e-mail"?) I'd rather hand-write a zine or card than type it up and use some fancy software to lay it out or something. I'd much rather get a flier for a show in-person than get a Facebook invite. Everyone has gotten so lazy. No one has to work for much of anything anymore (aside from money). Want to promote a show? No problem; post it on Facebook a couple times and you're good. Want to go meet new people? Grab your laptop and you'll have friends in no time. It's absurd. While a lot of people are content to read e-books, I refuse to read any book that isn't printed, bound, and easy to dog-ear. I'm tired of technology and laziness. I don't think it makes life any cheaper or easier, it makes us all lazier and more susceptible to ridiculous amounts of consumerism.

Again, no point. That's essentially what led me here around one in the morning on a school night, though. I have so much more to say but can't think of how to say it, so it'll remain in my mind until I find someone to rant to in person.

SXR

Exciting News!

I've finally done it! I've booked a show that has a pretty slim chance of falling through! This is something I've been excited about for probably a month or more now, and it's definitely kept me on my toes. I'm sure it will continue to until the day after it's happened heh.

As you can see by the photo to your left, the very first show I'll be doing on my own (I've done a few events in the past with other people) will be with forgetters (with Blake Schwarzenbach, Kevin Mahon, and Caroline Paquita) and Street Eaters. I'm sure this is a bad idea on my part, but I'll make it work. Once I find some locals and start promoting the shit out of it, I think it'll be smooth sailing from then on. (Unless, of course, someone drops on me, in which case it won't be so smooth.)

I'm really excited about this, and I know a few other people are, too. Contrary to popular belief, I am not obsessed with Blake Schwarzenbach; I'm just a really big fan of his writing and consider him somewhat of an inspiration. Not that I write much anymore, but I'd like to, and he's one of those people who makes me feel a bit less like giving up on it. Needless to say, this opportunity to work with him is incredibly exciting. It could also damage my image of him if he turns out to be a huge douchebag, but eh, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Mark your calendars, plan your rides, save your pennies; you've got just less than two months.

SXR

An Alternative to Slitting Your Wrist

I recently watched (part of) the documentary for which this post is named and decided to give myself an assignment: instead of letting depression and anxiety get to me, I'm going to create a "bucket list" of sorts and document some sort of positive thought every day, to the best of my abilities. I bought a fancy new journal just so I'll feel motivated to actually do it, since, as we all know, spiral-bound notebooks aren't exactly the first things you want to reach for when you're trying to think about something other than school. So far, I have a list of twenty-some things I'd like to accomplish, and I wrote down some imagery that stuck with me and made me feel better last night, which is a start.

Today was very up-and-down, but I suppose that overall, it's been fun. I had some good times with Corina, KC, Nick, Tone, Matt, Lolita, and Andrew, so it's all good. I also received my JTB hoodie in the mail, just as I'd hoped I would, so it was nice to come home to that. I swear there's nothing better on a cold day than a brand new hoodie.

And now, a list of some of my favorite songs at the moment, just for fun:

• "Cat Heaven" -Jets to Brazil
• "Wish List" -Jets to Brazil
• "Chinatown" -Jets to Brazil
• "Sea Anemone" -Jets to Brazil
• "Bivouac" -Jawbreaker
• "Chesterfield King"- Jawbreaker
• "Want" -Jawbreaker
• "Accident Prone" -Jawbreaker
• "You've Got Everything Now" -The Smiths
• "This Charming Man" -The Smiths
• "A Guided Tour of Chicago" -The Lawrence Arms
• "Detention" -The Lawrence Arms
• "100 Resolutions" -The Lawrence Arms
• "Too Small to Fail" -forgetters

That's enough for now, I suppose, and I'm sure none of these are the least bit surprising. I've probably posted half of them on Facebook at some point, too. I do still listen to other things, of course. I'm listening to Good Riddance at the moment, another band that I love to death.

Until next time,

SXR

Light on the angst.

Despite the fact that I'm stressed beyond belief this week, I'll leave the angst out of this blog and focus on other things.

The Bel-Tower is still a hit, although we're in serious financial trouble. You win some, you lose some, I suppose, but that doesn't make it any less painful. The one month anniversary of our first show was last Friday, so it'd really be a shame to lose it now. Plus, we've got shows booked into January, and I'd hate to leave people hanging. If anyone happens to know anybody with a few hundred bucks to spare, have them send it our way, please. We somehow used close to $300 worth of water (in one month, when we hardly even use water), and we haven't even gotten the electricity bill yet, so we are completely and totally fucked, it would seem. But there's always a silver lining: if we lose the place, I can stop spending all of my money on it.

(Somehow, the trade-off isn't that appealing.)

SXR

Bad Week, Everyone's Fault

Disclaimer: I'm on my period and therefore have even more built up angst than usual. Ignore everything I say or do for a couple days.

I'm pissed. Why? Why not!? I've been cancelled on, used, ignored, left out, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. You people really have to do this when I'm menstrual? That's just rude. On top of that, I'm still dealing with some really annoying feelings that I have yet to figure out, and they're causing me a lot of low self-esteem, jealousy, anxiety, depression, and all of that other good shit. I know I'm wasting my time, but it's how my mind works and I can't help it.

Everytime I find someone I feel I can count on, I'm somehow proven wrong. For once, I'd like to find just one person who didn't mind my occasional bouts of depression, anxiety, and anger, someone who'd spend time with me regardless and really give a shit about how I feel. I know people who do that to an extent, but it's usually a fairly small extent. I know I'm a lot to handle, but I like to think I'm worth it.

There's so much I want to say, but it's probably best that I don't say it; a number of people (as if they ever read this hah) would close the window and be very upset.

I'm going to continue to listen to '80s hardcore and mope.

My outlook on life is (not currently) positive.

SXR

Replacement

Since I'm taking a bit of a break from social networking, I'm making an attempt to blog more often (since basically no one reads it anyway, so I know no one is going to make it into a fucking joke).

Yesterday was brutal, as was the day before. Today's been a little better, although I did wake up at 1:30 in the afternoon, so there hasn't been much time for things to get fucked up yet. Last night, I did get a bit of a pick-me-up. I hung out with Corina, Kc, Nick (Glamour Tronic), and his friend Matt in River Park. We played Uno with a random little black kid who talked a lot of shit hah. Good times. Speaking of which, watch out for our new skinhead crew, Burrito Skins. We don't fuck around.

Since I'm in one of those places where I'm pretty susceptible to new things (as well as emotions, apparently), I decided to download Jets To Brazil's discography. It's the only band Blake Schwarzenbach has been in that I haven't been able to get into, and I'm not entirely sure why. It lacks the aggression Jawbreaker had, but then again, so have Blake's newer bands, to some extent. It's either too clean or too... soft? in its angstiness, I guess. I assume it's only a matter of time (and repetition) before I get into it, especially since (thanks mostly, I'm sure, to EmoGame 2) I'm on a bit of a classic emo kick. I wish I hadn't been so anxious to cast off the emo thing when I was younger and all of these great bands were still around or relevant heh. I remember getting a Jets sampler with some magazine and listening to it once or twice, then giving it away. I thought it was cool, but evidently, not cool enough. I also remember people talking about Piebald all the fucking time, and now, I'm pretty sure most people don't give a shit about them. It's crazy how emo became what it is today heh. Late '90s/early '00s emo is nothing like current emo. Weird shit.

I have business to attend to now. (After I play some EmoGame 2.)

SXR

In which I feel like shit.

I have so very much to say right now about certain people and certain things they've said.

However, all I'm going to say is that I've been depressed enough that I've resorted to listening to Jets To Brazil (who I'm not even into) and playing Emogame 2. I beat level one in less than ten minutes.

Depressing.

SXR