Angst.

I need therapy. When I was still denying that fact, my mother was trying to force me to go; now that I admit it, she thinks it's a stupid idea. I'm at a very stressful point in my life and suffering from severe anxiety, emetophobia, and random bouts of depression, but now would be a bad time for therapy? I just don't get it.

I apologize for venting here, but that's what blogs are for.

I do very little for fun. I don't get out very often, aside from school, rehearsals, and meetings. All I really do for fun is go to shows. I haven't been to a single show since January 30, and it is now February 21. I've missed at least five shows this month, and each time one comes along, I get excited at the prospect of finally going out and seeing a few friendly, familiar faces. After the crushing disappointment of being denied a trip to San Francisco on Saturday, being told I had to miss yet another show tonight just gutted me. I'm sore from painting a set for four hours, I haven't felt well in a year, I have tons of senior year shit to deal with, and now, every time something good comes along, it gets ripped away at the last minute.

I've tried so hard over the past few months to stay positive, but it gets harder and harder. My anxiety gets worse, opportunities to go out and have fun are fewer and fewer, my health is constantly declining, I'm being told my college plans are stupid...

In short, fuck my life. I'm getting tired of building myself back up only to be knocked down even further each time.

I'm going to go cry some more and wallow in self pity.

SXR

God Save McQueen

I know I'm posting this a bit late' but I have to say that when I heard about Lee McQueen's death, I was shocked. As far as I'm concerned, he was one of the best, most innovative designers of all time, and his death will have a huge impact on the fashion industry. In honor of McQueen, I've got a new shirt design, which I'll hopefully be printing before too long. I know it's been done, but hey, I like my idea better.

In other news, I've been lonely, college isn't sorted out, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm off to wallow in mild self-pity for a while. Let's hope the remainder of the three-day weekend is a bit better.

SXR

Present.

I've been neglecting my blog lately, which isn't surprising, considering my blogging history. Shame on me. I've had little to say, for some reason, and the things I did have to say, I've lost. I did recently play in the snow for the first time, which was fun. I felt like a toddler, falling on my ass and basically having no idea what to do with snow heh. Such is life in the Central Valley.

I managed to make it to CYC for the Sabertooth Zombie show last Saturday, and holy shit, best show ever. (Vulgar+rotting vegetables)+big crowd+(popcorn+chips+couch cushions+absolute chaos)=best show ever. Everyone who missed it really missed out. I, unfortunately, had to leave early due to my lack of transportation, but I'm glad I went at all. If there's anything I've learned in the past six months or so, it's that you never really know what'll happen at CYC, but chances are, it'll be memorable.

I also finally got to see AFI again, for the first time since 2006, I believe. It was at the Rainbow Ballroom in Fresno, a city they've neglected since 2004. While Chris totally missed out on it, they played "Love Is a Many Splendored Thing" and "Advances in Modern Technology," both of which I was incredibly excited to hear. They also played "On the Arrow," which nearly brought a tear to my eye, seeing as that song was once incredibly important to me. There was a surprisingly large amount of bros out on the floor, as well as a few older drunks, but overall, I had a fantastic time. It was well worth the $30 to see my favorite band, as well as Viva Hate and Ceremony, who were great, despite the fact that a few people decided to be rude and attempt to chant them off the stage. Kids these days.

Just thought I'd give my tiny handful of readers a quick update. Remember: if you switch to solar power, not only will you be helping the environment, you'll also be saving money on your electricity bill; PG&E are being very kind to people who use less electricity these days.

SXR

Sound and Fury

I can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon than listening to good records (I'm spinning Youth Brigade at the moment), contemplating the future, and lounging around in the most comfortable sweats in Britain and a well-worn Operation Ivy hoodie.

This month has had a lot of ups and downs, and my mental health has definitely been affected, but I've actually got a couple things to look forward to right now. First off, Tuesday, I'm going to see "Jesus Christ Superstar" with Ted Neeley, who, for those who might not know, played Jesus in the movie. My parents saw it a couple years ago, and loved it, so I'm excited. The movie is pretty cool, and I imagine it's even better on-stage.

The thing I'm most excited about, though, is the AFI show on the twenty-seventh. I've only seen them once before, and it was from way up in the stands at Download, so I'm incredibly excited to have to opportunity to get up in front and fight to stay there hah. Anyone who really knows me knows that they're my favorite band and have been for years, so it would probably come as no surprise that I'm going to get more and more ecstatic before the day of the show. I'm also really looking forward to seeing Ceremony and Viva Hate, and I'm really hoping for some great covers or old songs from AFI; they haven't played Fresno since 2004 or so, so I believe they owe it to us heh.

I really had nothing of importance to say, so I'll close by saying that everyone in the Central Valley should check out CYC's new site, chinatownyouthcenter.org and their blog at chinatownyouthcenter.blogspot.com.

SXR

Resolutions

Being a major hypochondriac, I'm constantly afraid that my health is rapidly deteriorating, so this year, I'm making a serious attempt at getting healthy. By the end of the year, I'd like to have lost at least twenty pounds and improved my overall health. I've been working out and drinking more water, and my vitamins are almost on track again, so all I need to do is cut out more junk food and fine-tune everything else. I've decided that next week, I'm going to attempt to go raw vegan for a week, which should get me going in the right direction heh.

I'm supposed to be writing an essay on Robert Browning's "Porphyria's Lover," so I'll get back to that. I just needed to put my intentions down somewhere heh.

SXR

Priceless.

You know what's funny? I spend all this time defending people and giving them the benefit of the doubt even when I know for a fact they're lying to me, and what do they do? They continue to walk all over me. It's fantastic.

I've determined that the people I know through music and shows are the only people I can rely on. It's weird, really, but no matter what, I know that we have something in common, which isn't always something I can say for other people. Morals, lifestyles, favorite bands, aspirations... Certain people get those, others can't relate. By no means am I saying that everyone I associate with should have the same beliefs, eating habits, and favorite music, but it helps to at least have some common ground, or an understanding, at the very least. Here at home, that's hard to find, and it brings me down. A friend of mine hit the nail on the head with that one. Madera just isn't home to me in that I don't feel like I belong. Fresno feels more like home in that sense, and CYC has truly become a home away from home for me. I'm too awkward to just go up to everyone and introduce myself, but I know several people now, and I'm sure I'll finally get to know more of them eventually. The people I don't know, I recognize, and that's nice. I feel comfortable there, and as I get older, comfort is hard for me to find in public places.

I'm finding more and more motivation to finally get my license, despite my fear of being killed on the road heh. The sooner I have a license, the sooner I can spend all of my time in Fresno and just leave this unfortunate city behind.

SXR

So, it's 2010.

Happy New Year to anyone who might be reading this. I hope your New Year's Eve and New Year's Day were enjoyable, because mine were anything but.

More college application deadlines are approaching and today, I made the decision not to apply to Pratt or SFAI. The reality is that my family can't afford the $34,000tuition, let alone the other fees and living expenses, so now, Pratt is on the backburner until a better time comes along. As for AI, it was going to be my last resort school anyway, so I might as well save the application fee.

It's funny how life works; for the past several years, I've dreamed of going to Berkeley, studying psycology, et cetera, and now, I'm totally unsure about UC Berkeley and I've decided I have more of a future in creative writing. It sucks being wrong about your own wants and needs, but I suppose it's part of growing up. (Since I just saw "SLC Punk" for the first time last night, I can relate it to that, and it's funny that I should watch that when I'm encountering a sort of similar situation.)

In other news, I also watched "What We Do is Secret," and I quite enjoyed it. I know some people hate just about everything about it, but I thought that overall, and especially for an independent biopic, it was really good. Good casting, good cinematography, good writing... I really didn't have a problem with it heh. True, Darby came off as a bit of a douchebag for at least half the movie, but hey, it's a movie. I think Shane West did a fantastic job as Darby Crash; not only does he resemble him, I think he captured the personality pretty well. Had I been in charge, the one thing I would really have done differently would have been to spend more time on Darby's emotional decline. It was there, but I don't think it went quite deep enough. It's worth a watch, no matter what, though.

SXR