Eh.

I've been getting depressed again, for some strange reason. I think it's a combination of loneliness, hormones, and anxiety.

I'm having issues with my body again. I know I'm fat, and I really don't think it helps when everyone lies to me and says "no, you're not," because that's a huge lie. Based on my BMI (that system is bullshit, but nevertheless), I'm beyond morbidly obese. While I don't believe in BMIs, I know for a fact that there's a problem here. Ideally, I'd love to lose about fifty pounds. That's a hell of a lot and it's never going to happen, especially since I've been at the same weight since I was about 12 or 13, but a girl can dream. I know I'll never be thin (my family is full of big-boned and stocky people, and that's not just us making excuses for being big), but I'd love to be able to buy clothes or be found attractive by someone other than my closest friends and family. It's all very depressing. For instance, I generally wear size 16 pants, or 36 or 38 in men's sizes, depending on the pants. The other day, I bought a pair of size 38 jeans and they were at least two inches from even buttoning. The store didn't even carry size 40, so I still have no pants and went home feeling really disgusted with myself. I can rarely even shop at Torrid because everything is either too big or too small.

I'm rambling. I came here to say something else, too, but I've forgotten what it was.

Fuck the world.

SXR

Strep throat part two?

It would seem that I'm getting sick again. The same itchy, sore throat is coming back and my mom pointed out that it could be my strep coming back. I would say I have a fever, but I got a slight sunburn today after my hour and a half walk between Fresno City and Tower, so I think that's where the heat is coming from.

Today's really been an emotional battle, for some weird reason. I'm PMSing, but still, I have to have something to spark those over-the-top emotions, right?

I just want to get my period out of the way, find out if I'm sick again, and get on with my life. Is that really so much to ask!?

SXR

Ups and Downs

As I type this, I'm struggling to stay awake thanks to a migraine, as well as the lavender oil on my temples and cup of hot tea I'm attempting to remedy it with. I think my head only hurts because my hair is dirty. (That's the number one reason I'll never be a crust punk. I guess the fact that I don't listen to the music is a big part of that, too, but half the crusties I've come into contact with don't, either.)
I noticed that I have yet to gush about kefir here, so I decided to do that tonight. I've been drinking kefir smoothies (Lifeway) for two weeks or more, at least a cup a day, and I've felt amazing! I can finally digest my food again and not feel like shit all the time! I really have noticed a change in my body since I've started drinking it, so I'm going to continue doing so. I'd like to start making my own so I can have fresh kefir smoothies every morning, but I have no idea where to get starter grains in the area, and I'm trying not to buy the powder starters, so if anyone knows of a good seller in Central California, let me know!
The Bel-Tower has been in our possession for six months now. Six months! It's hard to believe we've made it this far. It's been ridiculously difficult, but definitely equally fulfilling. We've had our fair share of issues with people (such as the infamous pity party incident on April 1), but so many people have shown us love and support that it almost brings a sappy little tear to my eye. As long as people keep that love and support up, I know we can keep the collective up and running. There are so many things I still want to do with it.
My last batch of vegan donuts was great. I tried some new icing flavors (lemon and orange vanilla) which came out great. I'm hoping to make donuts more often; people like them, they're not hard to make, and I need money! I give major props to Jan of Stay Sweet Cupcakes; the amount of baking she does sometimes is insane, and even if I try to do this more often, even regularly, I don't think I could ever manage to do the amount of work she does. What's nice about donuts is that they require no decorating skills; that makes them perfect for me.
I finished a painting today. I want to hang it at The Bel-Tower, but I'm slightly afraid it'll be stolen. Haley's have never been stolen, but all three of mine disappeared and they sucked. Maybe someone has shitty taste in art and bad manners?
SXR

Intensity

I'm getting really bad about staying up too late, but it's always been one of my most productive, creative times of the day. Plus, I've always had kind of a hard time sleeping at night.

Tonight was too intense. I'm not entirely sure what people see in Handlebarz, but to each their own. What irked me the most was that they made a humongous fucking mess, just as we all expected, and kind of watched us clean it. It took several of us probably twenty minutes or more to clean up. My back's going to be sore tomorrow from stooping over with the damn broom for all that time.

I almost wrote a poem tonight. I started it, then got interrupted, but it's all good. It probably would have sucked. I hate most of my writing, but I guess I'm not the best critic, given my bias. Remember when I thought I was Poe or some shit? Ah, to be young, stupid, and have a ton of unnecessary self-esteem again.

Why am I blogging at almost three in the morning? I have no idea. I have nothing to say, as usual. I'm just wasting time, mine and yours. I need to get out of here for a while.

SXR

Updates

• I finished my antibiotics last night! I'm excited to build my probiotics back up.
• I haven't worn deodorant/antiperspirant in three days (I think) and I haven't gotten sweaty or smelly. Maybe it's time to stop using antiperspirant altogether (seeing as stopping the body from sweating is actually a bad thing in the first place) and just keep deodorant on hand for really hot days or days when I'm going to be really active (hah yeah, right).
• I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I made vegan donuts the other day. My first maple glaze sucked, but the second one was fucking amazing. I think I'll start making them more often and start experimenting with flavors.

My blogs get more and more pointless.

SXR

Drugs

Thanks to the medicine I took last night, I overslept today and missed Women's Studies. I'd been afraid of that and wasn't surprised at all. It's better to oversleep when you're sick than not sleep at all, as far as I'm concerned. Because I needed a doctor's note to excuse my absence (and because I was tired of coughing), I decided to go to urgent care. Turns out I have an upper respiratory infection and strep throat, despite the fact that my throat hasn't hurt at all. Strange. I was sent home with a prescription for a z-pack (a very strong antibiotic), promethazine DM, and an inhaler, I was given a breathing treatment, and I was told to buy a sinus rinse. I'm apparently pretty intensely ill and have some serious sinus and airway issues.

So, the abundance of good gut flora I've so lovingly maintained is currently being slaughtered by a drug that may or may not make me ill for a few days. I'm continuing to take even more probiotics just to maintain my immune system and combat some of the side effects, just in case, but it hurts to know I'm putting wonderful bacteria in there only to kill it off. Oh, well. In four more days, I can get to work on building it up again. I believe I've read it takes at least a month, probably more, to do that. I think it might be a good time to invest in a super strong probiotic, just for funzies.

I refuse to take a full dose of cough syrup, so I won't be passing out anytime soon, but I might as well try to sleep. I have a long, shitty day ahead of me.

SXR

Sicksicksick

I've had a dry cough for about nine days now. Today was the worst so far, thanks to the bad air quality in Fresno; I had a really bad allergy attack on top of my mystery illness. I didn't sleep last night and chances are, I won't get much sleep tonight, although I did take a benadryl and about half a teaspoon of prescription-strength cough syrup. Cough syrup is one of those things I'll only take if I'm desperate and I know I'm pissing my family off, and I got to that point for the first time in probably years tonight. I hate taking medication of any kind, but I'll take what I need, and it's always the minimum. I didn't take a single pain killer when I got out of the hospital after having my gallbladder removed and only allowed them to give me half a dose of it when I was there. I truly dislike taking anything that'll fuck with me, cough syrup included.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. Is it because I'm awake with nothing better to do? Is it because the drowsiness is setting in and I'm feeling bad about taking medicine at all? I'm not into the whole "more-edge-than-thou" thing; hardliners break easier than those of us who don't have sticks up our asses, as far as I'm concerned. I firmly believe that I have a better chance at sticking to my lifestyle than a person who'd refuse medication during a surgery just to try and prove something. I have nothing to prove. I know I have no interest in drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and promiscuity, and I have no desire to try and convince people of that on a daily basis because they know it as well as I do. (Also: I don't care if you've never so much as touched a beer bottle, if you sleep around, you aren't edge.)

My train of thought is insanely disjointed, I know, and I'm really not saying much of anything. That's the cough syrup talking.

SXR