GoodBelly

I decided to try GoodBelly probiotic drinks a few days ago. I think I've used it for four days now. So far, my stomach has been super noisy and I've been bloated as fuck, but other than that, no problems. I'm pretty positive all of that is just because my intestinal flora is changing and everything, which is normal when starting a probiotic, even if you already take other strains. I think that's what turn so many people off of them, but with most things that detoxify the body, you have to go through a little bit of bad to get to the good. Olive leaf certainly made me feel like shit the first time I took it, but after that, I've never had a problem. Anyway, for the first three days I drank the juice (blueberry acai or something like that) and today I took one of the plain Straightshots. That one was kind of unpleasant, taste-wise, but it packs a punch. I prefer Lifeways shots, definitely, since the dairy in kefir doesn't bother me anyway.

I'm going to stick with this stuff for at least the 12 days they recommend. After that, I'll evaluate everything. I definitely understand that it's normal to have side effects at first, so I'm not going to write it off as a failure yet. If my stomach is still loud and annoying after two weeks, though, I'll have to stop using it daily, because it's getting on my nerves already.

Just thought I'd check in and mention the product and my experience with it so far. It's vegan, just a couple bucks a carton, and really good, so you should give it a try if you can. GoodBelly also has a 12 day challenge you can sign up for on their site where they'll send you coupons, and if you don't like the product after 12 days, they'll refund your purchase. Not a bad deal.

SXR

Kill me.

Tonight is one of those nights. Emo music will be on constant rotation and I'll be ingesting some herbal stress-relievers in a minute. (No, not pot.)

It sucks when the people who used to make you happy become the people who make you want to rip your hair out and then bash your head into the wall. I haven't felt this angsty in a while.

I don't know what to do anymore.

SXR

Tubes, Pills, Hunger

I went to the student health center for the first time today. It was a pretty positive experience, especially because I've lost some weight and my blood pressure has seriously improved. However, as usual, my complaint came up irrelevant again, because despite the pain I've had in my ears for the past few days, they're not infected and everything seems fine, aside from red sinuses and blocked eustachian tubes. Sudafed was only $1.95 for 24 at the school pharmacy, which is wonderful, and I'm supposed to take 90 mg and a Mucinex tablet every day until my head clears up. Apparently I have a cold. Weird.

On that note, I think olive leaf really has helped me. I'm still getting half-sick, but it's better than being totally sick. I decided to double my dosage tonight, which my empty stomach isn't entirely pleased with. I'd have taken even more if I hadn't known it'd make me feel like shit. You know something's working when you actually get a die-off effect that goes away with regular use. I'm down to my last few capsules, sadly, and I can't afford to buy any more yet, so I'll have to figure something out there. I'd hate to get off-track with the one pill I actually take almost every single day, especially because it does make me feel better. Actually, I think it's what's bringing my blood pressure down, too, which is fantastic, because hypertension runs in the family and I lose weight at the speed of smell, if not slower.

For the past couple of nights, I've been getting extremely hungry. Lately, I just feel afraid to eat at night for some reason. I have no idea what my deal is right now. Hunger gets painful after a while, and it's not like I don't have access to food. I don't have access to much good food with any nutritional value, but I could at least go grab a handful of trail mix or something. Kefir ended up being the only thing that could satisfy me last night, but I've already had too much of that today, since I've been trying to cut back on sugar. Sometimes I really do wonder if I eat enough. It seems backwards to eat more in order to lose weight, but really, that's how it should be in most peoples' cases. I'm probably hurting myself much more than helping myself by eating less than 1000 calories a day, even if I do have a really low activity level. It takes me forever to lose weight, so there's always the possibility that my body's trying not to let go of the fat because it's not getting enough food. I'm trying to force myself into better eating habits, and eating something satisfying at night should be my next goal. I'm considering investing in protein shakes again because I know they'll fill me up long enough to get to sleep and give me some much-needed nutrients.

Here comes the ear pain, along with the growling stomach. It might be time to turn in.

SXR

Brushing up

I'm about halfway through the second week of the semester. So far, so good, for the most part. I got dropped from yoga, but I guess I'm being added back. I bought one book and I'm waiting on another, as well as the iClicker I need for my math class, which is already a struggle to keep attending. There's something about classes of 200 or so that just make me want to ditch. Other than that, everything's going well. Classes are easy, assignments are quick, painless, and there haven't been many. This might be a pretty good semester.

I finally got my bass out today and tried playing some stuff. In case I hadn't mentioned, I'm doing a Green Day set with Ryan Cod and Alan for a '90s cover show at Bel-Tower on October 29 (exactly a year after the last cover show). I think there will also be Pantera, Creed, and some other bands represented. I keep forgetting who's covering what. All I know is that I finally get to play some Green Day. I've got "Basket Case" down and I'm working on perfecting "Going to Pasalacqua". I have no idea what songs we all want to cover, but I figure I might as well learn my favorites and most of the hits if I can. I've got time. It's nice to finally play bass again. I'm pretty sure I'll need new strings before the show, and possibly a better tune-up, but for now, things are going pretty well.

SXR

Low

Today was okay, I suppose. I had an interview at Macy's, which went okay. I think I looked pretty nice, but I don't have real retail experience, so I automatically assume no one wants to hire me anyway. If the job market wasn't so terrible, I'd think maybe I could get hired just based on intelligence and my genuine desire to help people, but unfortunately, that's not really how it goes right now.

An hour or two ago, my back pain came back. The Icy Hot just wore off and I was too lazy to reapply it, so I guess I'll deal for tonight. I'm bloated, my eyes feel tired and sore from the makeup I had on earlier, I have a sinus headache, my allergies just started acting up... Needless to say, I don't feel great right now. Plus, I'm upset over the fact that nothing I try to do for FYBT Fest works out. The new bands I want to ask to play are all on tour or too far away, and apparently returning acts are no longer welcome, so... I guess I'm out. Everyone else can plan it. Fuck it. Not like I should have any sort of say when we're booking probably seven or eight out-of-town bands. God forbid I try to get just one I'd really like to see.

I should be asleep since I have to be up at 8. I'm tired, but I'm not at the same time. My eyes are way more tired than my mind, which is constantly coming up with new reasons to be pissed off, sad, or worried. I think there are some serious hormonal shifts going on up there heh.

Today I was thinking a lot about whether or not to start shaving regularly for yoga class. I still haven't made up my mind. The pants I'll wear most of the time cover everything but my ankles, but I don't know if I'm ready to be "that fat hairy chick." I know it's a stupid thing to worry about, but I can't help it. I've held off a lot on shaving lately for a few reasons: I finally got some nice tights, I've had cuts and bruises on my legs that have made it painful to shave, my skin is extra dry in the summer, and I've been trying to unlearn the idea that women shouldn't have body hair. Honestly, I'm not a fan of it, but as someone of Mediterranean descent, hair is just something I have to deal with. If I really wanted to shave or wax my whole body, it would take hours, and I'm just not willing to waste my time on stupid shit like that all the time. Every now and then, sure, but not every day. Some people just don't seem to be aware of how time-consuming shaving can be. It's also expensive, sometimes hard on the back, a pain in the ass when you're fat and have more surface to deal with, it dries out the skin, and when the hair starts growing back, it tends to itch. Plus, I have sensitive skin and tend to end up with searing cuts in my armpits and blood all over my legs, which usually doesn't stop for a couple of hours. It's not that I like being hairy; I just don't like taking time out of my day to inflict pain upon myself. I may shave my ankles in the morning. We'll see.

Now that you know more than you want to and eight o'clock is slowly creeping up, I should attempt to go to bed. I'm planning to check out Revive Cafe for the first time tomorrow (raw, organic, and vegan... in FRESNO!?), so I have that to look forward to after a long, boring day of school.

SXR

Icy Hot

My blood tests came back normal and the gastroenterologist said I don't need to see him anymore. I suppose that's good. What made the visit worth it (it was literally four or five minutes long) was that he said he'd start recommending olive leaf extract to his patients. As someone who loves helping people and sharing my knowledge of alternative medicine and shit, that was really nice. Normally, doctors tend to write herbal treatments off as bullshit because they don't get cuts from pharmaceutical companies for them, so it was cool to finally find one who was willing to look into one. I really do think olive leaf has helped me. My stomach hurts way less and I feel much better, for the most part. I'm currently in pain due to god knows what and my back is covered in Icy Hot, but other than that and some bloating and occasional cramps due to my period, I feel pretty good.

School wasn't too terrible today. I think I can handle being at school from 10 to 9:30-ish, but it will definitely require some coffee, strong tea, or mate. I barely made it through the day and I got home at 7. Obviously, I'm still up, but I've been tired all evening. Waking up is such a chore heh. I'm considering staying up tonight, depending on my pain. I really don't want to, but if the stabbing isn't gone when the Icy Hot wears off, I may go to the health center or urgent care tomorrow, just to get someone else's opinion. I have a sneaking suspicion I need to get checked for ovarian cysts or endometriosis, especially given the fact that I get worse every month, but I keep putting it off because I really don't want to deal with that right now heh. Too many doctors.

I've been looking into Buddhism a lot more lately. Maybe it's just the Kerouac. I've always been interested in Buddhism, though. I see it as a philosophy, not a religion, so don't go thinking I'm suddenly all about any gods heh. I'd just like to learn more about it and definitely focus more on my diet, my attitude, yoga, and meditation. I feel like it'll be good for me. The Four Noble Truths make a whole hell of a lot of sense to me. Buddhism is almost nihilistic in that the ultimate goal is nothingness. I love it. We'll see where it takes me.

SXR

Busy, busy, busy.

I guess I waited till the end of the summer to do anything. We made some serious improvements to the Bel-Tower, so much of my time this past week or so has been spent on that. We're not entirely finished yet, but we're at the point where everything else will be done whenever we find the time and money and shouldn't take too much work. I feel like it looks more like a venue and less like a party house, which I couldn't be happier about, but it still looks like a DIY space. I hate the idea that DIY or punk spaces have to look rundown and shabby. There are spaces all over the world that look like they've gotten lots of love and care, which is what I want for BT. I don't think it matters that the walls aren't covered in graffiti anymore. No matter what anyone thinks, we know how much time and work we've put into everything, and that's what matters. It only looks good because we took the time to make it look good.

I'm about to get even busier. At one this afternoon, I have to go to the doctor to finally discuss the results of my blood test (still kind of hoping for hypothyroidism just so I have some answers), then I've got to go to Fresno State to buy my parking permit and some books, then head over to Bel-Tower for the Black Fag show. It doesn't seem like I've got a whole lot to do, but add in all the driving time and everything and it seems like a full day.

Speaking of school, I had 10 units and couldn't find anything that fit my schedule, so I was going to just stick with that. However, it turns out that if I don't take 12 units, I lose my vision and dental insurance because I'm over 19. If my dad can't provide proof that I'm enrolled in college, he could lose his job, which would leave me, my sister, and my dad totally uninsured. So much for positive health care reform. I finally found a class tonight that I could work with: Advanced Fiction Writing Monday nights from 6 to 9:50. Believe me, I'm not pleased with the three hour gap I have now, or the fact that I'm stuck at school for twelve fucking hours on Mondays. I've now got 14 units lined up for the fall and I'm feeling pretty stressed about it. Yoga's no big deal, but I have no idea how much work to expect in my other classes, so I'm afraid I'll have to devote the next few months to sitting in front of the computer and trying not to drive myself crazy. Plus, I managed to get a job interview, and if I do manage to get the job, I'll officially have zero time to myself and probably be totally miserable. Good times.

I'm getting into another one of those moods where I just feel really conflicted about everything again. I'm conflicted about school, certain friends, what I want out of life, how I feel about certain things... Not that I feel like I should be sure about anything, because I think being too sure about anything at any age is dangerous, but it makes me a bit moody and insecure. I guess since I'll be so busy it shouldn't be a huge issue; I won't have time to think anyway.

I can't decide if I'm lonely or just bored.

SXR