Sketchy Friends

So, I have this friend. We've been pretty close for probably three or four years; I've lost track. Their stories have always changed a little from time to time, but now, the changes are drastic and they happen within days of each other. There's a very good chance they've been lying to me all throughout our friendship and that I've just had too much faith in them to acknowledge it. Not that I've ever really called them out on it, but I'm pretty sure they're aware that I'm not entirely stupid.

Lesson learned, though: trust nobody.

I have no close friends anymore, and I'm beginning to think it's better this way. I've got a couple people I can talk to and hang out with when I need to, and I trust them more than anyone right now. Beyond that, I've got a small network of friends and a huge web of ex-friends and acquaintances. I care too much about people who don't care that much about me.

But, on the bright side, I'm having better luck with writing again, I keep wanting to paint, and otherXcore #2 is coming along a lot more smoothly than issue #1 did.

SXR

Dream Interpretations and Morning (a.k.a. mid-day) Depression

I've cried more in the past 24 hours than I have in weeks. (Yes, weeks, not months or years.) Most of it was for virtually no reason, but then when have I ever needed a good reason to cry? This morning, after a dream in which I had a flat tire and couldn't get the air machine at the gas station to work (which supposedly signifies that I'm emotionally drained, I'm stuck in life, and I have no control), I woke up feeling incredibly depressed. I have yet to figure out why, but I guess it doesn't matter. I eventually cried, sort of got over it, and got my usual post-cry headache, which lasted all day.

I've been painting lately, and I'm surprised to find out that I actually have some talent with acrylics. If I can sell these paintings on etsy, I might be able to make a little money and go to the Bay or something. Lord knows I need it. I'm just not sure if I need to be alone or if I really need friends right now.

I've got a lot of shows coming up. By a lot I mean two or three. I can't recall. Whatever.

Still no friends. Still no money. Still no job, no boyfriend (which is the least of my concerns anyway), and still very little enthusiasm for most things.

Yep. Life as usual.

SXR

Tea time all the time.

I drink tea more than I eat food lately, I think. It's part of my never-ending quest for better health, or at least a slightly better quality of life. Peppermint is becoming my go-to tea, hot and unsweetened. Unsweetened teas of all kinds are really growing on me, which is good considering the fact that I really don't need any more sugar in my diet. If I can ever afford it, I'm going to order a bunch of loose-leaf teas and maybe even some herbs so I can make my own blends. I recently fell in love with Mountain Rose Herbs and would love to purchase or be given many of their products. Ahem.

I haven't been able to sleep at night lately. On top of that, today, I woke up an hour before my alarm was to go off with a sore throat and a stuffy nose. Life sucks sometimes. I'm currently exhausted, but I'd rather not go to bed so early that I'm up again by 6 AM and have nothing to do till late afternoon. Chances are, by the time I go to bed, I won't be able to sleep again.

I've been through probably twenty tissues today, maybe more. I need more tea.

SXR

Morrissey and other things

It's Morrissey's birthday today. I can't help but wonder how much longer he'll keep doing shows. I need to see him at least once more before he stops.

I still kind of feel like shit, but I feel much better today than I did last night and early this morning. You know how you can tell I feel okay? I folded and got a pair of harem pants. I know, I'm still shocked myself. They're quite cozy, though, and I might even wear them out in public someday. Because my ass is so huge, it doesn't look like I'm wearing some sort of saggy diaper, as I've seen on some women. It does make my thighs look huge, but that's sort of the effect the design is supposed to have, so I guess it's no big deal.

Why do I blog when I have almost nothing to say?

SXR

All-nighter

I didn't get home from the world's most intense night until after 3 in the morning. It's currently almost 6:30 and I have yet to sleep. I tried around 5, but things keep hindering me. I don't think people understand just how much my life sucks thanks to my digestive system. Granted, I hadn't eaten in about 14 hours, but the amount of grumbling my stomach started doing around 5:45 was absurd. Eating a banana seems to have helped, but I'm still belching like crazy, as always. The really sad thing is that even if I did see a doctor about everything, there'd probably be nothing they could do. Digestive diseases are probably the least-researched ailments there are, which is a shame, because they really fuck up your life. Having my gallbladder removed was both a blessing and a curse; now that it's gone, I don't get the nausea and indigestion, but I get all kinds of other shit.

Reasons why my digestive system is flaring up:
* Huge fight at The Bel-Tower
* Random bouts of depression, probably related to loneliness and self-esteem
* My car was dented and scratched in the scuffle
* I haven't been able to eat the way I should lately
* I still haven't had the opportunity to cleanse
* I'm out of probiotics and have to rely on kefir, which is amazing but also loaded with sugar
* I'm dying faster than most people my age

I really wish I was asleep right now. It's too early to do anything, including eat, which would probably help a lot right now. Fuck life.

SXR

Breakdowns and Fruit

I won't go into detail about the breakdown I've been having for the past couple of hours, or the fact that I'm having to really work to keep myself from punching things; I don't want to bitch because no one cares anyway. Instead, I'll just tell you about my fruit consumption.

Last night, I drank a glass of lemon water in the hope of detoxifying my body until I actually have time to do my whole body cleanse. I did the same thing this morning and might do it again tonight. I also had a lemon in the form of lemon garlic pasta with olive oil, mushroom, and Italian parsley. I would've enjoyed it more if I'd been in a better mood, but I think it turned out nicely.

I think I just found the perfect ratio of parts for a blueberry banana flax smoothie. Here's an approximate recipe.

1 medium banana
20 large blueberries (or probably 25-30 smaller ones)
About 1 tablespoon of milled flaxseed
About 3 tablespoons of plain kefir
4 cubes of ice

That made somewhere between 8 and 10 ounces, so it's like the perfect serving size and it tasted fucking amazing. Sometimes I end up with too much banana, too much kefir, too much flax... The flax and kefir is approximate because I tend to just kind of dump a bit of flax in and pour kefir in until it looks like enough. I'm trying to drink a smoothie every day, which hasn't happened, but I've done it almost every day. I always include flax (which is full of Omega-3 fatty acids, lignans, and fiber), plain kefir (which is loaded with probiotics, protein, vitamins, and amino acids), and some sort of fresh fruit. I also like to add chocolate soy or almond milk, depending on what I have and what fruits I'm using. It's my sad attempt at staying a little healthier than most people my age.

I think tomorrow will be good. Thank god, because today has blown royally and it's going to take a lot more pasta and smoothies to make me feel better.

SXR

Summer

Today is basically my last day of school till August, I believe, and I couldn't be happier. It's been nothing but a huge pain in the ass for probably the last month, and I only really have two classes.

Since the semester is over, I'm beyond excited to start my cleanse. I've felt like shit for a long time, so hopefully, it'll be exactly what I needed. Maybe I'll even lose a couple pounds, which would be fantastic. I think I'll start on Sunday so I'll have plenty of time to see how it'll affect me and get used to it.

For the most part, things have been pretty decent lately. Let's hope they stay that way.

SXR