Tea time all the time.

I drink tea more than I eat food lately, I think. It's part of my never-ending quest for better health, or at least a slightly better quality of life. Peppermint is becoming my go-to tea, hot and unsweetened. Unsweetened teas of all kinds are really growing on me, which is good considering the fact that I really don't need any more sugar in my diet. If I can ever afford it, I'm going to order a bunch of loose-leaf teas and maybe even some herbs so I can make my own blends. I recently fell in love with Mountain Rose Herbs and would love to purchase or be given many of their products. Ahem.

I haven't been able to sleep at night lately. On top of that, today, I woke up an hour before my alarm was to go off with a sore throat and a stuffy nose. Life sucks sometimes. I'm currently exhausted, but I'd rather not go to bed so early that I'm up again by 6 AM and have nothing to do till late afternoon. Chances are, by the time I go to bed, I won't be able to sleep again.

I've been through probably twenty tissues today, maybe more. I need more tea.

SXR

Morrissey and other things

It's Morrissey's birthday today. I can't help but wonder how much longer he'll keep doing shows. I need to see him at least once more before he stops.

I still kind of feel like shit, but I feel much better today than I did last night and early this morning. You know how you can tell I feel okay? I folded and got a pair of harem pants. I know, I'm still shocked myself. They're quite cozy, though, and I might even wear them out in public someday. Because my ass is so huge, it doesn't look like I'm wearing some sort of saggy diaper, as I've seen on some women. It does make my thighs look huge, but that's sort of the effect the design is supposed to have, so I guess it's no big deal.

Why do I blog when I have almost nothing to say?

SXR

All-nighter

I didn't get home from the world's most intense night until after 3 in the morning. It's currently almost 6:30 and I have yet to sleep. I tried around 5, but things keep hindering me. I don't think people understand just how much my life sucks thanks to my digestive system. Granted, I hadn't eaten in about 14 hours, but the amount of grumbling my stomach started doing around 5:45 was absurd. Eating a banana seems to have helped, but I'm still belching like crazy, as always. The really sad thing is that even if I did see a doctor about everything, there'd probably be nothing they could do. Digestive diseases are probably the least-researched ailments there are, which is a shame, because they really fuck up your life. Having my gallbladder removed was both a blessing and a curse; now that it's gone, I don't get the nausea and indigestion, but I get all kinds of other shit.

Reasons why my digestive system is flaring up:
* Huge fight at The Bel-Tower
* Random bouts of depression, probably related to loneliness and self-esteem
* My car was dented and scratched in the scuffle
* I haven't been able to eat the way I should lately
* I still haven't had the opportunity to cleanse
* I'm out of probiotics and have to rely on kefir, which is amazing but also loaded with sugar
* I'm dying faster than most people my age

I really wish I was asleep right now. It's too early to do anything, including eat, which would probably help a lot right now. Fuck life.

SXR

Breakdowns and Fruit

I won't go into detail about the breakdown I've been having for the past couple of hours, or the fact that I'm having to really work to keep myself from punching things; I don't want to bitch because no one cares anyway. Instead, I'll just tell you about my fruit consumption.

Last night, I drank a glass of lemon water in the hope of detoxifying my body until I actually have time to do my whole body cleanse. I did the same thing this morning and might do it again tonight. I also had a lemon in the form of lemon garlic pasta with olive oil, mushroom, and Italian parsley. I would've enjoyed it more if I'd been in a better mood, but I think it turned out nicely.

I think I just found the perfect ratio of parts for a blueberry banana flax smoothie. Here's an approximate recipe.

1 medium banana
20 large blueberries (or probably 25-30 smaller ones)
About 1 tablespoon of milled flaxseed
About 3 tablespoons of plain kefir
4 cubes of ice

That made somewhere between 8 and 10 ounces, so it's like the perfect serving size and it tasted fucking amazing. Sometimes I end up with too much banana, too much kefir, too much flax... The flax and kefir is approximate because I tend to just kind of dump a bit of flax in and pour kefir in until it looks like enough. I'm trying to drink a smoothie every day, which hasn't happened, but I've done it almost every day. I always include flax (which is full of Omega-3 fatty acids, lignans, and fiber), plain kefir (which is loaded with probiotics, protein, vitamins, and amino acids), and some sort of fresh fruit. I also like to add chocolate soy or almond milk, depending on what I have and what fruits I'm using. It's my sad attempt at staying a little healthier than most people my age.

I think tomorrow will be good. Thank god, because today has blown royally and it's going to take a lot more pasta and smoothies to make me feel better.

SXR

Summer

Today is basically my last day of school till August, I believe, and I couldn't be happier. It's been nothing but a huge pain in the ass for probably the last month, and I only really have two classes.

Since the semester is over, I'm beyond excited to start my cleanse. I've felt like shit for a long time, so hopefully, it'll be exactly what I needed. Maybe I'll even lose a couple pounds, which would be fantastic. I think I'll start on Sunday so I'll have plenty of time to see how it'll affect me and get used to it.

For the most part, things have been pretty decent lately. Let's hope they stay that way.

SXR

Eh.

I've been getting depressed again, for some strange reason. I think it's a combination of loneliness, hormones, and anxiety.

I'm having issues with my body again. I know I'm fat, and I really don't think it helps when everyone lies to me and says "no, you're not," because that's a huge lie. Based on my BMI (that system is bullshit, but nevertheless), I'm beyond morbidly obese. While I don't believe in BMIs, I know for a fact that there's a problem here. Ideally, I'd love to lose about fifty pounds. That's a hell of a lot and it's never going to happen, especially since I've been at the same weight since I was about 12 or 13, but a girl can dream. I know I'll never be thin (my family is full of big-boned and stocky people, and that's not just us making excuses for being big), but I'd love to be able to buy clothes or be found attractive by someone other than my closest friends and family. It's all very depressing. For instance, I generally wear size 16 pants, or 36 or 38 in men's sizes, depending on the pants. The other day, I bought a pair of size 38 jeans and they were at least two inches from even buttoning. The store didn't even carry size 40, so I still have no pants and went home feeling really disgusted with myself. I can rarely even shop at Torrid because everything is either too big or too small.

I'm rambling. I came here to say something else, too, but I've forgotten what it was.

Fuck the world.

SXR

Strep throat part two?

It would seem that I'm getting sick again. The same itchy, sore throat is coming back and my mom pointed out that it could be my strep coming back. I would say I have a fever, but I got a slight sunburn today after my hour and a half walk between Fresno City and Tower, so I think that's where the heat is coming from.

Today's really been an emotional battle, for some weird reason. I'm PMSing, but still, I have to have something to spark those over-the-top emotions, right?

I just want to get my period out of the way, find out if I'm sick again, and get on with my life. Is that really so much to ask!?

SXR