I keep staying up all night but not doing my 24 hour zine. July is almost over, so I'm really running out of time. It's a shame it's so hard for me to actually get things done while I'm awake, for various reasons. I'll have to get around to it this week or risk looking like a total failure.
I feel like a total loser creep lately. I won't even begin to get into that, though. Just putting it out there.
I really have very little to say tonight. I just can't sleep at the moment because I'm feeling slightly anxious and possibly getting some random indigestion. I am quite tired, though, so hopefully it'll all pass so I can go to sleep and maybe get some shit done during the day.
SXR
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Aches and pains
While my stomach has been slightly better overall, the past few days have been filled with pain in one particular spot and I have no idea why. I keep getting stabbing pains, but I'm not sure whether or not I should really worry. My temperature's fine, I'm not turning yellow, and I can eat, so I have to assume that I'm alright. I would go to the doctor, but based on my last visit, I think he'd basically reiterate what I just said. So, if I really decide to worry tomorrow afternoon, I may stop by urgent care while I'm in Fresno. I haven't been in a while, so they probably miss me.
My anxiety has also been a little better, until the pain started. At least I'm anxious for a reason now, or at least one I'm aware of: I don't want to get sick and die heh. I really prefer this really terrible anxiety regarding my health to the annoying random anxiety I normally get. This comes with more symptoms, but at least it makes sense.
I'm starting to write again. It's coming along a bit more slowly than it used to, but at least I'm not totally blocked up for now. I actually really miss writing papers, which astounds me, but I guess I've always been a fan of analyzing things and writing things with a set purpose. My fiction is almost always plotless because I have serious issues with being concise, so the only way I can ever write anything with a purpose is if it involves some sort of singular topic and research. Part of the whole paper thing probably has to do with the fact that I've been finding myself missing school, which is a little depressing given the fact that college means very little to me these days and I generally don't like being there when I have to. I've just been bored and lonely. All my friends live out of town or have other things to do, so I sit at home and do nothing all day. Simple but lame.
I have very little to say tonight. Lack of sleep and adequate nutrition is definitely catching up to me. Last night, I kept seeing things, and today, I've felt kind of out of it. Hopefully it'll all clear up tomorrow.
SXR
My anxiety has also been a little better, until the pain started. At least I'm anxious for a reason now, or at least one I'm aware of: I don't want to get sick and die heh. I really prefer this really terrible anxiety regarding my health to the annoying random anxiety I normally get. This comes with more symptoms, but at least it makes sense.
I'm starting to write again. It's coming along a bit more slowly than it used to, but at least I'm not totally blocked up for now. I actually really miss writing papers, which astounds me, but I guess I've always been a fan of analyzing things and writing things with a set purpose. My fiction is almost always plotless because I have serious issues with being concise, so the only way I can ever write anything with a purpose is if it involves some sort of singular topic and research. Part of the whole paper thing probably has to do with the fact that I've been finding myself missing school, which is a little depressing given the fact that college means very little to me these days and I generally don't like being there when I have to. I've just been bored and lonely. All my friends live out of town or have other things to do, so I sit at home and do nothing all day. Simple but lame.
I have very little to say tonight. Lack of sleep and adequate nutrition is definitely catching up to me. Last night, I kept seeing things, and today, I've felt kind of out of it. Hopefully it'll all clear up tomorrow.
SXR
Monday, July 18, 2011
Super period from hell (a.k.a. TMI)
I missed my alarm this morning because my phone decided to shut itself off last night, so I woke up sometime between 2:15 and 2:30 (I can't remember) to terrible cramps. These continued literally all day and just subsided probably an hour or two ago and it's after 4 AM. Naproxen didn't seem to work for once and neither did whichever "menstrual relief" pill I'm taking the generic version of. Water didn't help, green tea with mint didn't do shit... I felt helpless all day heh. The cramps were the kind that literally made me tense up until they passed, too. Those are the worst. Sometime around 2 AM, I also started getting nauseous and bloated, and I'm still trying to get over that. I know for a fact that there are an intense amount of prostaglandins fucking with my insides right now, hence the nausea and everything else, and I'm pretty sure naproxin or something would help, but I don't feel like taking it on an empty stomach and I definitely don't feel like eating. I just can't win. I feel like my period gets worse every month, so it's only a matter of time before I give up and do something drastic like render myself infertile heh. I think I'd be pretty okay with that, really, but what do I know?
It amuses me how freaked out people (both men and women) get when women openly discuss their periods and all the shitty symptoms. Come on, we all know what goes on, and most of us women have to deal with the same shit every month; why can't we talk about it? I'm getting to the point where I don't give a shit. I'll talk about almost anything at this point because I've embraced the fact that almost everyone has dealt with it or will deal with it at some point in time, no matter what it is. The world is kind of nice that way; it's like an instant support group, or it would be if we weren't all taught to keep so many things quiet, as if there's something wrong with having a period, questioning sexuality, and a whole slough of other things. It's nice to be an open book in that it gives me a lot in common with a lot of people. People approach me for all kinds of different things because they know I'll understand; I'm pretty up-front about a lot of the things I experience so they don't feel weird asking most of the time. I think it's something that also scares a lot of people off, sadly, but I understand how uncomfortable it can be to face something that's out of your comfort zone, especially if it's something taboo; trust me, I had to cross that bridge, too. I haven't always been comfortable with discussing bodily functions or anything like that; it's something I still have to work on, really.
I hope, though, that if people hear me and others talk about our own taboo problems enough (digestive disorders, periods, body hair, sexuality, et cetera), they'll eventually feel like they can do the same. I'm not saying it needs to be shoved in peoples' faces, but maybe in a way, it does, at least until we don't have to feel ashamed for wanting to have sex with the same gender, not wanting to have sex at all, having gas, having "too much" body hair. It's all normal and we all know it; we just can't all openly discuss it.
I really wish everyone would wake up and get out of the house so I could have it to myself and continue to attempt to herbally self-medicate until I felt better.
SXR
It amuses me how freaked out people (both men and women) get when women openly discuss their periods and all the shitty symptoms. Come on, we all know what goes on, and most of us women have to deal with the same shit every month; why can't we talk about it? I'm getting to the point where I don't give a shit. I'll talk about almost anything at this point because I've embraced the fact that almost everyone has dealt with it or will deal with it at some point in time, no matter what it is. The world is kind of nice that way; it's like an instant support group, or it would be if we weren't all taught to keep so many things quiet, as if there's something wrong with having a period, questioning sexuality, and a whole slough of other things. It's nice to be an open book in that it gives me a lot in common with a lot of people. People approach me for all kinds of different things because they know I'll understand; I'm pretty up-front about a lot of the things I experience so they don't feel weird asking most of the time. I think it's something that also scares a lot of people off, sadly, but I understand how uncomfortable it can be to face something that's out of your comfort zone, especially if it's something taboo; trust me, I had to cross that bridge, too. I haven't always been comfortable with discussing bodily functions or anything like that; it's something I still have to work on, really.
I hope, though, that if people hear me and others talk about our own taboo problems enough (digestive disorders, periods, body hair, sexuality, et cetera), they'll eventually feel like they can do the same. I'm not saying it needs to be shoved in peoples' faces, but maybe in a way, it does, at least until we don't have to feel ashamed for wanting to have sex with the same gender, not wanting to have sex at all, having gas, having "too much" body hair. It's all normal and we all know it; we just can't all openly discuss it.
I really wish everyone would wake up and get out of the house so I could have it to myself and continue to attempt to herbally self-medicate until I felt better.
SXR
Friday, July 15, 2011
Cold nights and rising gas prices
Today has really been a mixed bag heh. I had a pretty decent day, but the night has been very up and down. I intended to go to yoga today, but, as usual, it didn't work out, this time because we (Jon and I) ran into Tyler and a friend of his in Tower and got caught up in conversation and then went to buy my sister a late birthday gift. I ended up getting her a really cool Evil Eye thing, which she loves, so I'm glad I finally got that done. After we did that, we went to Trader Joe's to buy some cheap shit to make dinner with, then to Smart and Final to buy more It's-Its (because how could we live without those at the Bel-Tower?). The turnout at tonight's show was pretty bad, but the touring band booked the whole tour themselves, which was cool, and that made it understandable. If they hadn't had two rooms full of equipment, I'd have given them some cred for booking the tour, but eh. Maybe I'm a snob, but to me, tons and tons of expensive equipment (including a full light show) doesn't generally count as DIY. The night was pretty cool, aside from a brief period of some unsavory business. I was pretty happy until I went to the gas station to spend my last $5 on gas and had to wait 20 minutes to get gas at all. It didn't help that it was freezing out tonight. Normally, I'd be stoked for that, but I'm PMSing, I was annoyed, it was windy, et cetera.
I'm still not sure how to feel about a few things, but I'm getting a little better, anxiety-wise. Maybe it's just because I was with friends today. Socializing always helps heh. I definitely need to find a way to make it happen more often. It's just hard when all of my friends are busy with jobs and shit, broke, or too far away. I feel like I'm kind of stuck in life, but I guess it's easier this way, at least financially. I'm not truly happy, but I doubt I ever will be, seeing as that's how life goes.
I think I just realized that I'm an emotional voyeur. I know no one really reads this, and I use it almost exlcusively like a private journal, but I like having it where everyone in the world can see it. If I've got a problem, I have no problem with talking about it to just about anyone, if they ask. I probably get annoying, but I find my openness a little refreshing, seeing as so many people I know tend to keep everything a secret, as if it really matters heh. I guess I just don't see a problem with being an open book.
I also don't know what I'm talking about.
SXR
I'm still not sure how to feel about a few things, but I'm getting a little better, anxiety-wise. Maybe it's just because I was with friends today. Socializing always helps heh. I definitely need to find a way to make it happen more often. It's just hard when all of my friends are busy with jobs and shit, broke, or too far away. I feel like I'm kind of stuck in life, but I guess it's easier this way, at least financially. I'm not truly happy, but I doubt I ever will be, seeing as that's how life goes.
I think I just realized that I'm an emotional voyeur. I know no one really reads this, and I use it almost exlcusively like a private journal, but I like having it where everyone in the world can see it. If I've got a problem, I have no problem with talking about it to just about anyone, if they ask. I probably get annoying, but I find my openness a little refreshing, seeing as so many people I know tend to keep everything a secret, as if it really matters heh. I guess I just don't see a problem with being an open book.
I also don't know what I'm talking about.
SXR
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Tired
I was going to go for a walk, but I decided against it since I knew everyone would want to join me. I'd rather walk alone for a while; it gives me time to zone out. So, here I am, writing yet another totally pointless blog.
I felt so much better today than I have in days. I kind of feel like shit now that I've had a Moon Pie even though I was trying to limit my sugar as much as possible today, but I still feel a bit better than I have in a while. It probably helped that we had lunch at Sweet Tomatoes, which I love to fucking death. It's hard to beat soup, salad, bread, and muffins. I really have become a salad person in the last few years. I won't eat iceberg lettuce unless I have to, but give me some red leaf lettuce, some spinach, some field greens, and a ton of delicious vegetables and I'm totally set. As a matter of fact, I could go for another salad now. Fuck my doctor's suggestion to lay off of vegetables; I'm a vegetarian and a salad-fiend, so I'll eat all the raw vegetables I want.
Sitting at home is really getting old. If the weather stays decent, I'll spend much more time walking, but it is July, so that can only last for so long. I need to either get really crafty, somehow land a job, or find a friend who will come to me or meet me halfway or something. Maybe I can start a new story that I'll never finish, or maybe even something that I might be able to finish and submit for publication. For someone who wants to make a career of writing, I'm not doing much with it. It doesn't help that it's extremely hard to get started, but I feel like I'm not even trying. I've submitted one short story to two publications; not very impressive. Maybe that can be my summer goal: finish a short story, edit the shit out of it until it's semi-good, and submit it to a few publications.
I'm still dying for a trip to somewhere cooler and more scenic. I'd love to go spend some time alone in the mountains, but I'd also be totally content with a few days in the East Bay, especially because I never get the chance to really explore when I'm there. There are so many places I've been meaning to check out, but I always run out of time. Next time I have the money, I'm going. Fuck responsibility heh; I need to have some fun.
I think I'm actually really looking forward to school. I'm sick of sitting around and feeling like I have no purpose or reason to wake up. Plus, my schedule's really not bad. I've got classes Monday, Wednesday, and a short day on Friday, which should be kind of nice.
That's all for now, I suppose. I may be back.
SXR
I felt so much better today than I have in days. I kind of feel like shit now that I've had a Moon Pie even though I was trying to limit my sugar as much as possible today, but I still feel a bit better than I have in a while. It probably helped that we had lunch at Sweet Tomatoes, which I love to fucking death. It's hard to beat soup, salad, bread, and muffins. I really have become a salad person in the last few years. I won't eat iceberg lettuce unless I have to, but give me some red leaf lettuce, some spinach, some field greens, and a ton of delicious vegetables and I'm totally set. As a matter of fact, I could go for another salad now. Fuck my doctor's suggestion to lay off of vegetables; I'm a vegetarian and a salad-fiend, so I'll eat all the raw vegetables I want.
Sitting at home is really getting old. If the weather stays decent, I'll spend much more time walking, but it is July, so that can only last for so long. I need to either get really crafty, somehow land a job, or find a friend who will come to me or meet me halfway or something. Maybe I can start a new story that I'll never finish, or maybe even something that I might be able to finish and submit for publication. For someone who wants to make a career of writing, I'm not doing much with it. It doesn't help that it's extremely hard to get started, but I feel like I'm not even trying. I've submitted one short story to two publications; not very impressive. Maybe that can be my summer goal: finish a short story, edit the shit out of it until it's semi-good, and submit it to a few publications.
I'm still dying for a trip to somewhere cooler and more scenic. I'd love to go spend some time alone in the mountains, but I'd also be totally content with a few days in the East Bay, especially because I never get the chance to really explore when I'm there. There are so many places I've been meaning to check out, but I always run out of time. Next time I have the money, I'm going. Fuck responsibility heh; I need to have some fun.
I think I'm actually really looking forward to school. I'm sick of sitting around and feeling like I have no purpose or reason to wake up. Plus, my schedule's really not bad. I've got classes Monday, Wednesday, and a short day on Friday, which should be kind of nice.
That's all for now, I suppose. I may be back.
SXR
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
4 Miles
I went to the doctor this morning. As I thought, nothing conclusive, but he wants me to do a certain dreaded test to rule out things like cancer and the myriad of other digestive disorders and diseases. We'll see how that goes. I'm still trying to figure out what makes my stomach worse and what makes it better. Today, I think I've concluded that sugar really does mess me up and I need to start cutting down. Kefir is okay, but the super-rich cake we had for Tami's birthday made me feel a bit sick heh. Overall, I feel better tonight than I did this morning.
After my appointment, I went for a four mile walk since it was still relatively cool out. I listened to Green Day the entire time and just kind of zoned out, as usual. I'm hoping that it'll cool down so I can take long walks more often, or that I can force myself to start waking up so I can take them. If I could walk four miles a day, I could definitely drop a few pounds heh. Speaking of which, I'm down ten pounds from when I had strep throat. I think that was a few months ago, but either way, any weight loss is good weight loss. If I could lose another 15, I'd be down to 200, which I can live with for now.
I got my pictures back from Walgreens. The double exposures worked, but my fingers got in the way every time, unfortunately. Oh, well. This was an experiment, so next time I find a super cheap disposable camera, I'll try to figure out a way to trigger the flash without curling my fingers up over the lens heh. Maybe I'll try to smack the camera on my knee or the back of my hand or something. Here are a few of my favorites.
Self-portrait with some double-exposure and no fingers.
Favorite. Incense burner, souvenir keychain, digital download card for Unfun, juice bottle, fingers.
Definitely another favorite for no good reason.
After my appointment, I went for a four mile walk since it was still relatively cool out. I listened to Green Day the entire time and just kind of zoned out, as usual. I'm hoping that it'll cool down so I can take long walks more often, or that I can force myself to start waking up so I can take them. If I could walk four miles a day, I could definitely drop a few pounds heh. Speaking of which, I'm down ten pounds from when I had strep throat. I think that was a few months ago, but either way, any weight loss is good weight loss. If I could lose another 15, I'd be down to 200, which I can live with for now.
I got my pictures back from Walgreens. The double exposures worked, but my fingers got in the way every time, unfortunately. Oh, well. This was an experiment, so next time I find a super cheap disposable camera, I'll try to figure out a way to trigger the flash without curling my fingers up over the lens heh. Maybe I'll try to smack the camera on my knee or the back of my hand or something. Here are a few of my favorites.
Self-portrait with some double-exposure and no fingers.
Favorite. Incense burner, souvenir keychain, digital download card for Unfun, juice bottle, fingers.
Definitely another favorite for no good reason.Blogger's giving me issues with pictures, so that's all. I may post more to flickr, and they're all on my Facebook and Google+ profiles.
SXR
SXR
Monday, July 11, 2011
More plans
I've got really bad aerophagia, which is a condition in which one swallows air in order to belch in hopes of relieving indigestion, heartburn, gas, pain, pressure, and all kinds of other shit. I've had this problem for a couple years and I still haven't really made a conscious effort to change it. There's no medication for it as far as I'm aware, so it requires something like cognitive behavioral therapy, and while I'm pretty decent at that, sometimes it's way too hard not to give in and just swallow a bit of air heh. I'm trying to get myself to stop doing that now because I'm sick of belching and feeling bloated all the time heh.
I'm also planning to go to the doctor soon, finally. I haven't had a physical in years and I'm probably due for some blood work, so I need to get that done. In addition to that, I'm planning to add some more herbs and supplements to my diet and try to see what works. I'd also like to do an elimination diet and focus on wheat products first. I want to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me heh.
Tonight's blog is short and not as angsty as usual. Damn.
SXR
I'm also planning to go to the doctor soon, finally. I haven't had a physical in years and I'm probably due for some blood work, so I need to get that done. In addition to that, I'm planning to add some more herbs and supplements to my diet and try to see what works. I'd also like to do an elimination diet and focus on wheat products first. I want to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me heh.
Tonight's blog is short and not as angsty as usual. Damn.
SXR
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